C-PTSD, Years of Depression and Anxiety, possible triggers?

NinaSS · May 23, 2016, 08:57:05 PM

I think I might have C-PTSD. I know I have PTSD and depression, but looks like C-PTSD is the closest thing to anything like accurately describing my experience.

My basic Background: I experienced emotional abuse and some physical abuse as a child - my parents are both very, very mean people in secret to those who are less powerful (kids, pets, the elderly, etc.) while maintaining a "perfect facade" to the world. Needless to say, nobody ever believed me about my difficulties and I got the reputation as "overly dramatic" and "oversensitive". Also as the "bad" kid, even though I never got into trouble at all. Lots of gaslighting, invalidating and inappropriate boundary stuff too. I mean, if you break a chair over your kid's head, and the kid gets upset, that means THEY'RE oversensitive? Um, no. Yet I still think I am, of course. Oversensitive, that is.

I've been in a plane accident (engine caught fire) a few car accidents, had my house/apartment broken into 3x, been mugged at gunpoint 1x, been mugged at knifepoint 2x, been raped at gunpoint by a stranger once, was molested by my dad's best friend when I babysat for them, was date raped 3x (by people I knew well) and have been in one physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I also have a chronic illness that has derailed my career and financial situation. Grew up as a target for attack in my poor and bad neighborhood because I was very different from everyone else.

Anyway, I'm here now. Looking to learn how to better take care of myself. I am OK at taking care of my physical self (the basics at least) but very unskilled at taking care of myself emotionally. (I'm really accustomed to feeling like I am being overly dramatic, so if this post seems cold, or "just-the-facts-ma'am"-like, it is because I am trying to protect myself from criticism and stay within the guidelines of posting on this forum. ) In short, I need some tools.

Thanks for reading. I wish the very best healing to everyone.

Nina

mourningdove · May 23, 2016, 10:27:35 PM

Hi Nina!

The gaslighting, invalidating, and inappropriate boundaries really ring a bell with me, in terms of my own childhood. I was (and am) also called "over-sensitive" and "overly-dramatic" by my FOO. I guess that's just part of the gas-lighting and invalidation! So sorry you had a similar set-up as a child and also so many other horrible experiences.

I hope you find this site useful, and I'm glad you are here.

Welcome!

NinaSS · May 24, 2016, 03:49:39 PM

Thanks for the welcome, Mourningdove

I'm really sorry that you have that similar dynamic in your FOO. from one "overly sensitive person" to another, I think we're cool.

Nina

Kizzie · May 24, 2016, 04:53:33 PM

Hi Nina and a warm welcome to OOTS

My FOO looked quite good on the surface too. I didn't have chairs over the head or any of the overt abuse you suffered behind closed door, but the covert stuff was soul crushing nonetheless and here I am. I think we (supposedly overly sensitive people) are cool too!

Glad you found your way here and I hope you find some helpful information and support

SeventhFold · May 24, 2016, 06:06:33 PM

Heh, I can't tell you how many times I was told during my life that all of my pain was caused by being too sensitive! My siblings learned that they could explain away any kind of abuse by telling our mother that I was just being sensitive again. Decades later, after years of therapy, I was finally able to recognize that yes, I am unusually sensitive, and that's what gives me some of my best qualities.

I'm glad you're here, NinaSS. We sensitive people need to stick together!

NinaSS · May 25, 2016, 04:42:34 AM

Hi Kizzie!

thanks for saying hello! You know what? I feel like the covert kind of stuff is the worst. Soul crushing, like you said.

Like, believe it or not, when some of the really overt stuff happened, there was a part of me that felt relieved, like, "FINALLY my suffering is validated". Does that even make sense?

Nice to "meet" you! Its great to talk to "sensitivies"!

NinaSS · May 25, 2016, 04:47:13 AM

Hi SeventhFold,

Siblings can be the worst that way, can't they? I am seriously like the only one of my immediate and extended family who are "sensitive" and everyone else just loooooooves to use that to their gain. I get why, but at the same time I don't , if you know what I mean.

And you are right - being sensitive is an excellent quality! Glad we can stick together, like you said!

Kizzie · May 25, 2016, 05:28:57 PM

QuoteLike, believe it or not, when some of the really overt stuff happened, there was a part of me that felt relieved, like, "FINALLY my suffering is validated". Does that even make sense?

100%

When it's covert you're always wondering if you are imagining things but a chair over the head, now that's positive proof for saying "It isn't me, it is them." The covert stuff takes years to figure out which is why I love our sister site Out of the FOG - it really does capture all the behaviours of people with PDs and it's where I finally found all the pieces.

radical · May 25, 2016, 09:01:06 PM

Hi there,
I'm sensitive and have experienced many types of abuse. Like you, I am in the process of learning how to protect, value, and take care of myself.

You know what? - the world needs us. Otherwise the authoratative voices of the self-obsessed and the those of the less sensitive, who too often believe their plausible dribble would be almost the only voices that are heard.

These are difficult times and the world is becoming more unstable. The unshakeable confidence of narcissists becomes all the more alluring as a result. Intelligent, decent people, who should know better can too easily become entranced and follow them along the low road. Alternative perspectives are needed more than ever.

NinaSS · June 06, 2016, 04:42:45 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on May 25, 2016, 05:28:57 PM
QuoteLike, believe it or not, when some of the really overt stuff happened, there was a part of me that felt relieved, like, "FINALLY my suffering is validated". Does that even make sense?

100% When it's covert you're always wondering if you are imagining things but a chair over the head, now that's positive proof for saying "It isn't me, it is them." The covert stuff takes years to figure out which is why I love our sister site Out of the FOG - it really does capture all the behaviours of people with PDs and it's where I finally found all the pieces.

Thanks, Kizzie. I have not looked at the sister site yet.

NinaSS · June 06, 2016, 04:44:48 PM

Quote from: radical on May 25, 2016, 09:01:06 PM

You know what? - the world needs us. Otherwise the authoratative voices of the self-obsessed and the those of the less sensitive, who too often believe their plausible dribble would be almost the only voices that are heard.

These are difficult times and the world is becoming more unstable. The unshakeable confidence of narcissists becomes all the more alluring as a result. Intelligent, decent people, who should know better can too easily become entranced and follow them along the low road. Alternative perspectives are needed more than ever.

Waht a great perspective, Radical. I love this. thank you!