I am ChairmanMeow's Journal =(^o_._o^) =

[chairmanmeow]

I stumbled here a few years ago, I wasent ready then. I have been stumbling and sorting the physical ailments of this anxiety disorder breaking patterns of dysfunctional coping. Im past that phase and starting to really pick at and understand my core issues.
Im 31 and this is a specter that has shaped who I am, and affected my decisions my entire life, conscious or not of it.
I am the stepchild of a man who was so threatened by my existence he effectively severed my emotional connection to my mother my self my life. I shut down and spent the years untill I turned 18 and moved out in a sort of dissociative fog. Run by a deep anxiety disorder I withdrew I could not handle the bully at home at school, I wandered in a sort of auto pilot thru most of my life.
Even moving out with no support life is just a struggle I cant handle cycles of depression of falling apart of running from this thing that knaws at my insides..
That was my normal about 5 years ago things came to a head, my ex left me and a series of events left me homeless one November in Chicago shattered... my hands were shaking I felt physically Ill, adrenaline constantly flow from my veins, I didnt sleep, going forward was a wall I could not describe, the world is not kind to this.
I spent 3 weeks in a ward trying to get help, they gave me Paxil which numbed me further then I already was suffering and tried to sell me CBT when im plenty cognitive allready and emotions follow their own rules in the brain. Someone tried to sell me spiritual bypassing... the system as a whole is inadequate and disgusts me, if I kept following the path they would set for me Id be stuck in a victim mindset getting worst.
With it in my awareness I had to become knowledgeable as to how things work in my own body and where things connect I educated myself... I learned to stand up and see myself for what I was and stopped trying to live up to unreasonable expectations ignored those who ignorance invalidate my catastrophic amounts of damage.
My ex came back around I took her back I understood her damage greater then myself she did not act in malice and I showed er compassion because I loved her. We had a kid or more accurately I used to have a family, her family the situation Ill leave it at the cards get stacked against you to a point that can be ridiculous..and what ever I had going for me that was healthy was cruelly manipulated and stolen from me.... and I am alone again just another crushing layer of trauma. 

[LanaBanana]

That sounds horrible Chairmanmeow, I am so sorry you had to go through this . 
Educating yourself and looking back at your situation and trying to heal takes a lot of courage! I think you're in the right place, and I hope you find the resources and help that you're looking for to heal from C-PTSD.   

[chairmanmeow]

Iv been edgy this month.
I took off work its slow and 4 days in your head a week is too many days, nowhere to go. The creeping agony the romantic disappointments the overwhelming sense of stagnation and the attention from friends who want to be closer and know me better while I tremor inside and feel Im allready falling apart has been a bit much.
I live on a sailboat, I took a job delivering a sailboat to just get out for a few weeks, the city saw fit to impound peoples dinghys before tropical storm collin decimated the anchorage an those watching my home could not prevent it from destroying a city dock.
Its as sweet as it is sad.. I didnt want to go back in a way and the boat is my biggest stressor.
I am so thoroughly falling apart this catastrophe is just a small bleep in he background of these feelings recently coming to the surface in ways I feel I am starting to deal with. Perhaps its madness, I dont really feel like I can do the things I need to do without falling to pieces so I embrace when my world outside matches my world inside. My plans havent changed I deliver this boat north I meet up and work with the rest of the crew, I can get another boat..do I want another boat.. I am drifting and I dont care to find the ground right now, organize, all the while this hurt is just under my skin and a greater threat to my continuing. The next few weeks will be interesting, I get lost in the work I do for periods its the only thing tangible, money has lost its meaning as a motivator. Im so undone I really dont feel up to the tasks at hand, even so it seems to be working out on its own. Is this self abandonment is this all I have left to preserver?

[chairmanmeow]

More research - neurology
The core system in your brain in charge of flight or fight anxiety is the sympathetic nervous system.
The biology of how painful and disabling this really is becomes clear when you grasp that that system is also directly tied to all the organs in your lower abdominal, kidneys liver stomach bladder heart and eyeballs...
Beating up and overloading that system leads to that dull sort of agony wen something is wrong with a kidney or you have a UTI, pretty much lighting up everything in your guts. Eyes diallate, go figure- also an explanation for my light sensitivity ) aside from having green eyes I go snow blind rather easy lately, fry my corneas without sunglasses. This system is seen to misfire while someone is actually having a heart attack or stroke, that tight pain in your chest and stabbing in your heart.. yep..
And thats not ven going into the longer effects of adrenaline endoline the fact that your sweat glands are wired to it and those run the entire surface of your body.. or the gearshifts in your brain as higher function access gets turned down for more primal lower functions (dont believe me? hows your spelling lately, short term memory?)
And when I consider that developmental trauma leaves a person with a shorter parasympathetic nerve system, responsible for checking the other half, and these structures are deep, so deep that even considering the nuroplastisty of the mind arnt likely to change the damage to my biology can be considered permanent.
I have this to look forward to the REST of my life. And Im extra pissed that I was manufactured to be this way by other people my entire life. Walking on eggshells in a haze of disassociation the first half and isolated and extorted with every shredd of stability pillaged over and over again thru my adult years. I am literally sick from people putting their egos, looting everything thats good like animals my entire life.
The future, MY future is not looking very sustainable and this condition just adds an extra tax to everything I have to do...

[chairmanmeow]

Im guilty of being a hair nihilistic its often the only thing that makes sense. Take all those dead roman guys or those lazy greek philosophers, dead and gone, kings and queens, in our hands often we find what they left behind for us, but what good is it doing them now, eh? And what dose that mean for us..
Achievements are meaningless to a life of meaning. They dont really count or matter they are no "Raison D'être " at least for me, the ego is no way to live.
Sometimes in a few rare moments I find enough of what must be the experience of less damaged people. A concrete sense of belonging to this world is on the other side of a great emotional ravine, to be human is to be an emotional experience making contact with everything in some sense. Oh to take that for granted to nudge into that kind of receptivity such depth only dredges up a special kind of agony except for a few moments recently I knew peace saw the world thru those eyes before it burst like a bubble. Its one thing to go thru life not remembering not really understanding and experiencing life like that. Its a cruel difference when its tangible actualized and forever out of reach. 
To live is to feel, to fell is to live with meaning, to be real.
Iv found a trail that way, but I doubt I can really be that person on my own, or sustain it without suffering, frozen in logic wading in a shallow depth of emotion is no way to live, still more life then phycotropicly induced depression from SSRI's, they are not a proper treatment. And the higher the anxiety the more closed off from my emotional brain I become, the more crushing the weight of a body turning on itself, until ultimately I go numb in a dissociative haze all the paths close survival brain remains- life becomes meaningless again as  go thru the motions waiting to thaw again, reach out pain shut down...
I do better when I have close attachments a rare thing in my life, but people say they are up for a lot of things they never really understand. I am alone with this, fundamentally I suppose I can say Im getting better, I know now how to be open in a way only the poet Rumi describes in half his poems.. 

"Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free."

Just to allow for pain, for something alive to shape my life rather then be lifeless and numb, I can finally open imperative nothing left to loose, nothing to take left. But this is mine alone, I cant talk about it.. I cant share, I cant open to others, not because Im unwilling its tricky and hard in to start and that just earns me more callous statements more lashes beat out by the whip of human ignorance. Most are too dangerously un self aware, It seems any talk on such a level just triggers others..

My only reason, the prime motivation I have left to continue is plain curiosity. Sad when I compare others, they live for things like connections to family, Fear of dieing, an odd sense of entitlement often paired with a sense of invincibility, Where you find nourishment you'll find a will to live, a thirst. I am indifferent, I didnt allways be this way small periods I dared hang on, attached to the world and the thought of those stirs hurt in me I dare not feel.

I clearly have nothing left in common with most people, the experience of the world they take for granted their wholeness and my lobotomized experience littered with painful glimpses of what should have been for me, leave me odd and too far away from the common experience, from feeling human. I am either hurting across all the levels of my being or I am some shallow feeling or I am numb, always just a nudge from breaking, thats not living. I dont see much a way out either, more stock of what has been robbed from me and no one can appreciate who hasent had such things craved from their brains who this difference in experience has been made conscious..