Feeling down (possible triggers)

[Three Roses]

Take a deep breath... okay, here goes.

This day I've been lost. I'm gone somewhere in my head, totally dissociated all day long. Tomorrow is an event's anniversary and I'm dreading the day.  I wish I could cry but the tears won't come.

I'm really looking forward to recovering. I am so very tired. I've been having headaches every day for quite a while now. I know it's because I'm stuffing my feelings but I'm afraid of what will happen if I let down my guard. In the past, being weak wasn't safe.

Anyone have insight?   

[LanaBanana]

Three Roses, that sounds awful, I'm sorry you're going through that 

I tend to stuff my feelings and get headaches as a result too. What I've found that works for me is to allow myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling when I dissociate and get headaches. Just taking a couple of minutes to myself with no distractions and focusing on how my body feels, as well as practicing breathing exercises, has helped my headaches be more manageable. It's hard though, especially since I am so used to numbing myself out and distracting myself from any uncomfortable feelings. I don't know if this will work for you though.

As for the anniversary tomorrow, my heart goes out to you!    These dates can be really hard on us and really triggering and depressing in general. I've found that practicing a self-care routine really helps, and taking time for yourself to do something that you love can fit into that. Whether it's big (like planning a fun activity that is out of the ordinary or going out and spending time with a trusted friend) or small (like coming home from work and cooking your favorite meal, watching a favorite movie, taking a relaxing bath or spending time with a pet), taking time during the day to plan activities for myself has greatly helped me to deal with triggering anniversaries. I think, above all, that treating yourself with compassion, even when you feel tired and run-down, is essential to get through the day. You deserve to treat yourself kindly tomorrow (and any other day, but especially tomorrow).

I hope this helps, sending you a big hug! 

[Three Roses]

Thanks, that's a great idea! I feel better already. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Event anniversaries are natural triggers. So feeling all this does not mean you are not recovering, or not recovering fast enough.
I relate to your sense of dread, it's so annoying to revisit hurtful experiences.

It might be a good idea to stay aware of the anniversary for a while, whenever it automatically pops up in your consciousness tomorrow. And realize that you are one year further now, or one year further than the last anniversary in case it's an event from longer past. Notice what you are doing now, when you think about the event.
If you want to cry and can't. Fine.
If you can. Fine.
Maybe you will smile at the thought the event has passed. Fine.

I'm not saying you should try to stay with the event the whole day, make an effort for it. On the contrary. But when you are reminded at various moments during the day, realize it's an anniversary, not 'the real thing'. You probably will also experience that your mind wanders of to other things than the event. If only for a few minutes, or perhaps for hours on end. Fine.

I guess that all sounds bit 'mindfulness'-like. But it works. Stay in the now, when naturally being triggered by memories of trauma. Anniversaries do this, it can't be helped. I have read that our 'biological clock' stores the memories, and we can even revisit past traumatic events at specific times of the day (or night) or a specific season triggers it.
It gets better over time, I promise.

My best wishes for you on this day, all day. 

[Three Roses]

Thanks for those kind words! I am feeling encouraged by the responses.