Going outside.

[km_watts]

A lot of the time, going outside is a struggle for me. I feel vulnerable and exposed.  When I do go outside, I feel like my body is here on earth, but my mind is off in some other realm. This also happens when I'm around people.

[Wanishin]

I am not sure if it's the same feeling. But, I shut down a lot when I am exposed to a lot of stressors and often fight against my anxieties to go and do activities outside (which involves being around other people). I can sympathize with you when you write down that your body is on earth, but your mind is on another realm.

What gets me is how people don't realize how much work you put in to do these "outside activities" -- it can be tiresome afterwards; like you just want to shell or bubble for a bit.

[LanaBanana]

Km_watts, I feel exactly the same way. I get anxiety and sometimes have panic attacks from going outside and being around people. Noise is also particularly triggering for me. I also feel very much vulnerable and exposed when I'm out of my apartment, itcan get quite exhausting.
I'm so sorry you're going through this though, it's really not easy to deal with 

[arpy1]

i think it was Pete Walker who said that for people like us, what is called agoraphobia is often 'people-phobia', and i so know what he means.  i definitely relate to the feelings of vulnerability and exposure and avoid going out as much as possible. to take a walk is a major victory. to go to the shops is most often a difficult necessity.  i like walking (on my own) and wish i was strong enough to face the issue and do it more.  we're not alone in this it seems; baby steps i guess.

[movementforthebetter]

I think I feel similarly to you, km_watts. I struggle with lateness or sometimes not leaving home at all due to major anxiety over repeatedly placing myself in vunerable situations. I often fight panic attacks before parties. I didn't think too much about it but your post has made me do so. Thank you. I hadn't fully realised how impacted my life had become. I've developed some coping techniques but not all are good.

I try to sit in less vunerable positions with a barrier at my back or a good view of my surroundings. I can't take transit at rush hours unless I have noise-cancelling headphones or big ones that convey I'm anti-social. I frequently wear mirrored sunglasses even if it's not that bright out. If I don't do those things I have to fight not to seethe against the sea of humanity. Even with glasses I tend to close my eyes and try to meditate or  enter a kind of music-induced trance. I feel disoriented when I have to "wake up" and get off the bus or train so I wonder if I'm not also dissociating under a guise of mindfulness. I'm starting to drive which I find helpful because it requires active focus. I also have my own space in a car.

Even normal things like going for a walk can take a lot of time to work up to, and I always try to avoid overly-busy routes. I'd rather a long detour than too much immersion with others. This means I spend a lot of time and energy on the journey and often feel depleted by the time I reach the destination unless conditions were favorable.

Sometimes I throw myself into going outside quickly before my anxieties have a chance to build and I try to have faith that any vague fears will remain nothing more than that.

[Sesame]

I thought this was just me being socially anxious and afraid of bumping into people. Never had any idea it was to do with C-PTSD. I can go out fairly easily now, but I remember very well the days where I'd stare at the door and make an excuse to myself to go check something. How I would keep delaying, delaying, delaying because I was scared to go outside.

[Sienna]

K_mWatts,
i can relate to you.  Some days, it is as if I'm thinking too much- up in my head.
And my inner experience does not show on the outside so its separate. Things are compartmentalised my T said to me. Home life and work life, and friends..they are all compartmentalised-split off from each other. Each one does not relate to any of the others.
Dissociation in front of others does not feel safe for me. Neither does anxiety. I dont feel in control. And know one would understand even if they saw. I feel helpless, like a child who cant do even basic things for myself as i dont feel in control. my body tired, my mind blank...just not functioning or energised.

Have you managed to figure out why this is for you? I think its the body and mind not being connected , its dissociation.

[The Moon Hare]

I love to be out, though not all the time. My H works long hours so I spend too much time on my own.  The complex where we live is on a steep hill and I am unable to walk up it as my knees aren't that great.  So I feel trapped here, especially when my husband doesn't want to take me out.

Thank goodness for my dogs as they are great company. I find it hard though walking them as they can bark , though that's all they do, but it draws attention to me which I don't like.

I am a private person and though friendly I don't open up much though I do more here as I know people will understand.

[Contessa]

I tend go go through phases which is confusing. I love being out and about and being with people, exploring... that is my stress release. However, when the anxiety kicks in its the opposite story, and its really difficult to get back out there. I suppose it comes down to the safety of the company.

[Sienna]

Sesame (i just love your username by the way!)

Your experience sounds like mine, trying to make myself leave my room (when I'm staying with other people).

umm, can't remember what i was going to say.

[Sienna]

Ah yes! that was it.
Contessa, Pete Walker talks about us swinging from the inner critic to the outer critic.
maybe not everyone does this..i dont know.
i read that;
during times you are more sociable and want to be with people, the inner critic can be present.
Then you have enough and the outer critic comes up, helping you feel justified in your reasons for isolation,  - there is something wrong the the outside world and the people in it- not me.

lana Banana, something i forgot to say when i wrote before, was that yes, like you, i feel exposed. like everyone is looking at me and judging me. It is exhausting.
Walking down the street, people coming towards me, cars comming down the street, i feel everyone is looking at me.
Even if i dont think these thoughts, i feel them to a degree but i think ive gotten used to blocking them out so that i dont feel them so intensely every day, such as (everyones looking at me, what i state i look, i look like a freak, I'm worthless etc.)
Can you relate Lanna Banana?
Noise too, yes. Always made me jump and i was scared of loud noises as a child.
Sometimes the anxiety is stronger than normal, I'm hypervigelant and jumpy more than normal.

Im sorry you guys have this too. Its not easy and is wearing on mind and body.

[Contessa]

Aw Thank you Sienna. I didn't expect a reply to that comment.
So thankful to have found this forum, still slowly working my way through learning the different aspects of what's happening - haven't  made it near understanding the inner and outer critic yet. There's always someone here to point you in the right direction.

On a side note, and this is a bit mushy but, after all the loneliness on this journey, I feel so lucky to have found you all. xo

[Sienna]

Aww, Contessa. 
I don't think that's too mushy at all!
I feel exactly the same way, and I'm glad you are here!
I feel lonely too and thus is a great place.

Yes. There is a lot to learn. I hope it was ok that I wrote what I did- you might just have wanted to be heard.
I did hear you., though I may not have con aged that.
Sorry if so.

I believe that being here helps but also that the info will come when you are ready to learn. As they say- the teacher showed up when  student t is ready. Xo

[Contessa]

Sorry Sienna, of course it is okay to comment any time on anything. Its lovely to be heard.

Its funny that you mentioned the teacher showing up when the student is ready. I used to be a teacher and so think that may have been written with the old teacher hat on as a passing comment to the students hopefully as supportive encouragement. I am definitely one of the students learning lots from my classmates

[Sienna]

Sorry Sienna, -no need to be sorry!
of course it is okay to comment any time on anything. Its lovely to be heard.
:thumb:
It is great to be heard isnt it! (so I'm glad if i helped with that)

Haha, yes, it was written with support in mind. Its something i just strongly believe.
People could join the forum simply to vent, to be heard, to relate, but maybe those that join, do want to learn, because they joined a forum unknowingly, in which learning was possible.
Maybe its sub consciously attracting what you want and need.
Its great that you were a teacher...