Betrayed trust?

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Wanishin

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Betrayed trust?
« on: June 13, 2016, 02:47:16 PM »
edit by moderator: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum and the topic being of a specific personal nature. Feel free to start your own thread on a related topic or join a thread of a similar nature.

My partner and I have a very difficult relationship. I have given my partner chances after chances to try to regain a lot of the lost trust.

But this latest one is making me feel sick: my partner (according to my partner via many, many texts and a voice mail) contacted my psychologist and is taking my partner's side of the views of my PTSD and depression (in other words, it's my fault for everything). I have taken to the "flight" response when having to deal with my partner: often shutting down (tried to use the "not personal approach" to try to detach from the constant texting to give me a break -- didn't work), and physically removing myself from my partner's presence from the constant verbal abuse (my partner no longer physically hits me since being arrested).

My partner did this once before too, and contacted my case manager with the veterans to complain about me, stating I was extremely aggressive (I am not, like I said, I shut down or ask for room to bring down my anxieties) and was afraid I was going to be physically harmful towards my partner (my partner then spread that around through mutual friends).

I just wonder what other people have done when their partner crossed that line so many times... I still struggle with maintaining boundaries (I just learned about them and started applying healthy boundaries -- all which my partner crushed and broke; unfortunately, I didn't really fulfill my consequences  :'( ).

It just feels like I had a few great steps and now I tumbled down the hill again and I have to start over.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2016, 11:59:34 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2016, 04:29:27 PM »
hope this helps at least a little. https://youtu.be/KhW4g9urdXQ

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2016, 04:52:27 PM »
By going behind your back to your T your partner is triangulating against you. https://youtu.be/6354-2hoJh0

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Wanishin

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2016, 01:00:04 AM »
Thank you for the links. I watched them and they are helpful.

I had my appointment with my psychologist today (thankfully). And was able to discuss some of these worries. Turns out my partner accused me of hitting her (not the first time I get accused of this). :(

One of the boundaries I was working with was to no longer have false accusations. I confronted my partner via text about it and my partner denies it all and made me to believe the psychologist was lying to me! My partner completely manipulated the conversation (making it seem like I'm not committed to our relationship, escaping answering directly to questions, and shifting blame or guilting me for not wanting to come home because of what she said -- I mean, is it not safer to stay away if I am constantly being accused of a violent temper?) and now I am getting completely different sides (one version: my psychologist/ the other version: my partners).

For the first time in a long time too, I cried to the point of not being able to speak. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard.

Any other suggestions and videos would help. I plan to go to the library and pick up books on PTSD to try to understand it better too.

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radical

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2016, 03:25:19 AM »
I have ptsd too.
Can you leave?
It's hard to hear what you are experiencing in the hope of things improving.  My experience tells me things will get worse, that you are vulnerable and don't deserve this.
I so much hope your experience is different, that you won't find yourself months or years down the track more broken and feeling there was no point in trying, and that this was meaningless suffering leading only to more meaningless suffering.
Do you have reason to believe things will improve?

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2016, 06:37:58 AM »
I think it's important to know that your cPTSD is not causing your feelings of being betrayed, lied to and lack of trust, but it's the betrayal, the lies and the boundary busting that makes your partner not to be trusted.
It's not you, it's your partner.
I'm not a psychologists, but quite possibly that has contributed at least to your cPTSD.
Trust has to be earned. There is nothing wrong in not trusting a proven liar.

She has no business contacting your psychologists, and she has no business telling you what your psychologists has told her.
my partner (according to my partner via many, many texts and a voice mail) contacted my psychologist and is taking my partner's side of the views of my PTSD and depression.
Have you checked this with your psychologist?
It is very unlikely your psychologist has said any of this.
Again, I'm not a mental health care professional, just a guy with cPTSD and experiences like this, and I think your partner is getting upset you are setting and keeping your boundaries, your therapy is working for you, and thus a threat to her: she's not getting away with her abusive behavior anymore. It is all in her interest in messing up your bond with your trusted (and trustworthy) therapist by trying to make you believe the therapist is on her side, not yours.
Divide and conquer.

If the accusations of you being violent to your partner keep coming, get out. It seems it's a pattern for your partner. Domestic Violence is hard to prove, and as long as she keeps slinging this mud of false accusations to you, some of it will stick. Whether it's true or not. So unfair.

You already have a psychologist to help you, but possible this article still holds some valid points to discuss with your present T. It's not too clear from your post, but I get the impression it's your partner who is being violent physically abusive ("my partner no longer physically hits me since being arrested"). How to Find a Good Therapist If You Are Involved with an Abusive Woman.
There are some more articles on that site on how false accusations of Domestic Violence can really screw up your 'fortunes' when it's actually the women who is perpetrating the DV, and accuses her partner of it.

Take care, and just know: you don't have to put up with any form of abuse.
Easier said than done, I know, I put with it for decades. And am, like you, in the process of learning this.

 :hug:
« Last Edit: June 14, 2016, 06:40:51 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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Wanishin

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2016, 11:39:46 AM »
Can you leave?

Yes, I was kicked out of the house a few weeks ago because of my PTSD. I found a small apartment, but now I get a lot of guilt for not coming over to visit or stay over. According to my psychologist, I am considered vulnerable.

Dutch Uncle: thank you for the article, I will take a read. And yes, I believe my partner is a form of trigger (so to speak): I get elevated anxieties when I must interact with her or be around her.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2016, 12:18:44 PM »
Yes, I was kicked out of the house a few weeks ago because of my PTSD. I found a small apartment, but now I get a lot of guilt for not coming over to visit or stay over. According to my psychologist, I am considered vulnerable.
Does "to get a lot of guild" means she is guilt-tripping you? Like: "I kick you out, but I expect you to come visit me and stay over"?
Or are you guilting yourself?

Either way: you were kicked out, so stay out. I don't know on what kind of arrangement you were living together, but make sure you get what is rightfully and/or legally yours.

What does your psychologist means by you being "considered vulnerable"? Yeah, of course you are vulnerable. Anybody who is forced out of their home is vulnerable.  Anybody who is in an abusive relationship is vulnerable: because they are in contact with an (un)predictable abuser!

Sorry, but I'm getting angry on your behalf. I might be wrong.

Let me tell you this: you are less vulnerable than you may think, or they may make you want to believe. You found your own apartment and are now holding your own ground. Yes, your abusive partner is a threat to your wellbeing. Both physical and emotional and psychological. But you're out now, you can bolt and lock your door and if she tries anything crazy you can call the cops. The vulnerability is not something inherent in you, it's because of an external threat.
This psych should have your back. You should probably ask tell her you want him/her to cut all contact with your girlfriend/wife. The two of you are separated at the moment. It's not like the two of  you are in counseling together, are you? Or am I getting this wrong?
(S)He's your counselor, and yours only. I think you need to claim her for yourself. You have every right to do so.

Take good care of you, as you already do.  :thumbup:

 :hug:
« Last Edit: June 14, 2016, 12:31:48 PM by Dutch Uncle »

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Wanishin

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2016, 03:31:49 PM »
I feel more like my partner attempts to guilt me. I do battle my own guilt, even when I know I didn't do anything wrong -- sometimes I just feel guilty because I'm doing something for me instead.

I did grab most of my stuff. I honestly didn't have much. My partner took over the house with her all of her belongings and all of mine were stored. When I asked for a small area to workout, I was shamed for asking a place where *her* computer had to go. In the end, while we were still living together, and I was still in service, and in a method to get rid of paying excessive amounts of extras (such as storage units -- yes plural... I was paying for storage units for her belongings). I donated my stuff to an abused women's shelter. I don't regret doing that, to be honest with anyone reading this. And the apartment I am in, I was very fortunate that the landlady was able to furnish me a bed and small table.

What I meant by considered vulnerable is he put it down in his assessment. I am currently suffering from PTSD in conjunction with Major Depression and he wrote down that this makes me a vulnerable person.

Thank you very much for your kind support. I didn't mean to get you upset on my behalf. I am on the baby steps of recovery after years of damage. It's like a small light just appeared and I am realize after all this time, oh wait... I've been hurt for so long, but it doesn't have to continue.

I must say, this time around, I am holding my ground to not come over to visit my partner (for a first). It's difficult, because I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't (and it brings me to tears and that gets me upset!). But, deep inside of me, I know this is the right path to take.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2016, 05:35:51 PM »
I didn't mean to get you upset on my behalf.
Me being upset is OK. I just wanted you to know I react(ed) emotionally to your post, and my reaction reflects it.
If you feel different about it than I do, then that's what matters. I do not want to tread on your experiences.

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I feel more like my partner attempts to guilt me. I do battle my own guilt, even when I know I didn't do anything wrong -- sometimes I just feel guilty because I'm doing something for me instead.
Yeah, I can relate.
Any guilt-tripping on the part of your partner you may let slide, IMHO. Feeling guilt over you doing something for yourself is part of the recovery process in my experience. You don't have to feel guilty about that, but I know the feeling all to well.
Quote
I must say, this time around, I am holding my ground to not come over to visit my partner (for a first). It's difficult, because I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't (and it brings me to tears and that gets me upset!). But, deep inside of me, I know this is the right path to take.
:thumbup:

Quote
What I meant by considered vulnerable is he put it down in his assessment. I am currently suffering from PTSD in conjunction with Major Depression and he wrote down that this makes me a vulnerable person.
I see. Take care, as you already do.  :hug:

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2016, 07:13:18 PM »
Heed The Warnings of Taking a Narcissist Back
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B58Twc6i_0M

Stop Seeking Nurture from the Betrayal Source
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyZ5a4zAxps

Pain After No Contact
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kj4eHyyicGc

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radical

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2016, 09:00:43 PM »
'Vulnerable' and 'weak' are two different things.  A vulnerable person can be very strong.  'Vulnerable' is about factors external to character.

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Wanishin

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2016, 11:53:38 PM »
I am not sure if part of my assessment, the following was meant by vulnerable:

A vulnerable adult is unable, rather than unwilling, to properly learn or properly maintain these skills, and is usually completely without, and unable to obtain, any family, friends, acquaintances or other assistive persons in their lives to offer education or assistance in these areas (see: abandonment). To be classed as vulnerable, the adult's circumstances must be unable to be altered or improved by the adult's own individual actions without direct assistance from a more typical adult. The vulnerable adult must also be shown to be, on some significant level, a risk to him or her self if assistance is not provided.

I agree there is a difference between weakness and vulnerable. Mind you, I will admit I have my moments of weakness.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2016, 06:27:37 AM »
A vulnerable adult is unable, rather than unwilling, to properly learn or properly maintain these skills, and is usually completely without, and unable to obtain, any family, friends, acquaintances or other assistive persons in their lives to offer education or assistance in these areas (see: abandonment). To be classed as vulnerable, the adult's circumstances must be unable to be altered or improved by the adult's own individual actions without direct assistance from a more typical adult. The vulnerable adult must also be shown to be, on some significant level, a risk to him or her self if assistance is not provided.
That's a nice definition of vulnerable.  :thumbup:
« Last Edit: June 15, 2016, 07:29:25 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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radical

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #14 on: June 15, 2016, 07:18:35 AM »
It's nothing like the dictionary definition.

Is this some kind of criteria in the armed services or public service in the US, a bit like how the word "special" has taken on a different meaning in eduation in my country?

More importantly, I'm so glad you are out of there.  Abuse on top of trauma is so damaging and retraumatising.  The abuser can also use the fact that you have ptsd against you when you try to stand up for yourself, which is even more vicious.

I know how tough it is.  Somehow being safe can allow the pain to rise to the surface and it can feel like things are getting worse rather than better.  You are not alone.  Be really kind to yourself.  Warm wishes coming to you from across the Pacific Ocean!