Betrayed trust?

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Wanishin

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #15 on: June 15, 2016, 08:43:21 PM »
I want to say how grateful I am for all the replies and the youtube video links.

My partner is now saying it is "our fault" and even though I have expressed limited contact, my partner now comes up with the idea of limiting contact so that my partner can take time to heal from all this hurt. When I didn't respond, my partner finally added "and to be a better wife".

I still haven't responded. This is where I feel the most guilt. I get that feeling where my partner is trying and is going to be loving; but, then I fearful of the unpredictable nature afterwards. Fortunately, seeing some of these videos helped me -- help me confirm something I have been telling myself already: why go back when it will just be worse.

But it's tough. I'll admit to it right here and now. Easy to say I'm not doing it, but difficult to stay true (which I am!).

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Wanishin

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #16 on: June 22, 2016, 08:37:41 PM »
Well... I finally broke it off with my partner. After so much, I couldn't find it in me to come back to her.

I am pretty sad. As I expressed to my psychologist, I had fantasized what it should have been (maybe that was unfair of me -- but I dreamed of happiness and caring, each able to do what we wanted, and to grow together as one).

The hot and cold temperament of my partner was too much (hates me, loves me, hates me, loves me).

And, the worst was my partner's reply: "I am so relieved," when I told my partner I could not see how our relationship could amend.

I am sorry, but I am using this as a way to write down my feelings. I don't have many friends and I feel guilty putting this kind of burden on them.

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radical

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #17 on: June 22, 2016, 09:09:03 PM »
 :hug:

So sorry you are feeling such pain.

We are here for you

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #18 on: June 22, 2016, 09:58:06 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss, Wanishin. Breaking up is always so hard and painful. It is saying goodbye to something, and somebody you wanted.

A big  :hug:  to you.
Dutch.

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Three Roses

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #19 on: June 23, 2016, 01:20:46 AM »
Ugh, breaking up is hard. We are here for you!  :hug:

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #20 on: June 23, 2016, 12:22:49 PM »
Be kind to yourself as you go through this period of mourning a relationship that never really was. Go outside, get some air, walk around, listen to music that makes you feel good. If you are able to travel, go somewhere or visit some long lost relative. I really want to go hike my favorite part of the Appalachian Trail again, maybe take off my shoes and dangle my feet in the Delaware and let the small fry tickle my toes. There's a glacial pond high up along the trail that has craw-daddies the color of the most brilliant blue sky. I don't know how anyone could kill and eat something so beautiful, but then I'm a vegetarian. It's all my mother's fault. She's the one who took me to see Bambi. She also took me to the county fair where I saw little baby chicks hatch out of eggs. How could she imagine I would ever eat eggs again after that? https://youtu.be/syR_NinJ2B0 https://youtu.be/i33ufGKY3pg https://youtu.be/HLrVRrDFjNQ 

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #21 on: June 23, 2016, 01:32:54 PM »
She also took me to the county fair where I saw little baby chicks hatch out of eggs. How could she imagine I would ever eat eggs again after that?
The eggs you eat are not fertilized, Danaus. They will not hatch chicks. They will just go bad.

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #22 on: June 23, 2016, 02:46:40 PM »
I was only three years old at the time and my mother decided she was not going to explain about the birds and the bees to a three year old. As time passed I decided I didn't even like eggs anyway and then there's PETA, traumatizing the * out of anybody willing to watch their videos.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #23 on: June 23, 2016, 04:40:32 PM »
I was only three years old at the time and my mother decided she was not going to explain about the birds and the bees to a three year old. As time passed I decided I didn't even like eggs anyway and then there's PETA, traumatizing the * out of anybody willing to watch their videos.
I'm sorry your mom treated you as bad as she did.
And yeah, PETA do their very best on traumatizing people. While I care for animal wellbeing in the food industry, and a lot can still be improved on it, I don't like the 'traumatizing' part of their quest.
But to each their own.

NB: in the Dutch parliament there is actually a "Party for the Animals" who, you guessed it, has as one of their major objectives standing up for animal rights. They are always one of my options to vote for. Yet I'm a 'swing-voter'. I decide every election anew which party gets my vote.

With that I'll leave the thread back to topic.

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #24 on: June 23, 2016, 05:51:07 PM »
Wow! A political party for the animals. God, we here in the US are such a backward country!

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Wanishin

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #25 on: June 24, 2016, 01:10:22 PM »
Thank you for the links, and the many of you showing me great support.

I am feeling a bit better; even though, my partner went from relieve to now displacing this separation as entirely my fault and claiming I am being mean by minimizing my contact and decided she will not quit the relationship because she doesn't believe in that.  :blink: I find I am emotionally drained: going from relieved to claiming I live for drama and seek out negative attention because it's all I grew up in.

Some days, I wish I could show these texts to other people to just make sure I'm not losing it -- I find my partner has an excellent way to have me doubt if I am being mean or being harsh, and often I start to think that way and then feel extremely guilty for wanting something better; not just for me, but if she really believes this is how I am, for her too. How can someone love another person if they keep berating them? Or claim that I am violent and have an extreme temper? Or say to others she is fearful of me because of my PTSD and that I could snap at any time?

I just don't get it.

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #26 on: June 24, 2016, 02:02:41 PM »
She's done this before and she knows your predictable guilt reaction to her BS. The next time she maligns you say "That's right I'm NOT good enough for you, You deserve better. I hereby set you free. Go, achieve all the happiness you rightfully deserve. That's all I've ever wanted for you." She will be momentarily speechless, (enjoy the nanosecond of peace and quiet) but will fire back with denials of every argument she just made against you. Stand firm, do not be deceived into false hope. Insist "No, you were right the first time. You deserve way better than me. Go, Be free! I insist."  Smile when you say it. Stand tall, shoulder back, chest out, head held high. This is your declaration of independence.

Don't worry about your attraction to drama. You are a self aware human being. You have the power to stop blindly rushing down that path. Try volunteering at a veterans center or a homeless shelter to fill your need for drama and make the world a better place in which to live at the same time.   

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Three Roses

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #27 on: June 24, 2016, 03:22:05 PM »
I find my partner has an excellent way to have me doubt if I am being mean or being harsh, and often I start to think that way and then feel extremely guilty for wanting something better....

Sounds like gaslighting to me! I just watched that old movie not long ago, with Ingrid Bergman. Good stuff. That tactic has been around for a while, your partner didn't invent it ;)

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Wanishin

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #28 on: June 24, 2016, 05:49:42 PM »
Oh, I have always been quiet. When she blames me for drama, I believe it is a way to blame me for all the wrongdoings.

As example, before I met my partner, I knew my neighbours (in military housing) respectfully by name only. When my partner moved in, she quickly befriended a number of them (and nothing wrong with that!), but suddenly was always in a dispute against one or the other. I found I had become a peacemaker. One fallout was so bad, it lead my partner to numerous calls to military police against everything that they did that was perceived wrong. I kept insisting to drop the matter and let them be; a friend wouldn't do that, and if my partner felt the need to call the military police, then they are not her friends. She wouldn't drop the issue. Eventually, it led to a severe confrontation in the common yard and I quickly step between my partner and the neighbour and brought my partner home. (I suffered for doing that the next day, my partner claiming I had slept with the neighbour and that was why I was "protecting" her.)

Anyway, on one call to the military police against the neighbour, the neighbour must have had enough and told military police that my partner often punched my in a drunken state. Well... I told the military police nothing happened when they asked me, but my partner flipped out. She forced me to call the military police and give them heck for asking such a question (I remember this well, because my partner was right beside me, coaching me and threaten to leave if I didn't take this stand).

During one of my partner's more aggressive outbursts, I left for a few days. Actually drove to my parents house (had no where else I could really go) -- about 350 miles away. That's when I (eventually) learned my partner called the military police and claimed I was beating her.

When I got back, everything was fine. But the military police were insisting on talking to me. I told my partner I would go and talk to them. When I went, they the military police told me not to worry about it. A few days later, I was arrested in my own home for domestic violence. I was already suffering from PTSD then. That same night, the military police let me go and arrested my partner.

I had an excellent doc while in service. I wasn't one to cause drama -- I did stand up for the rights of my soldiers though, even through the Chain of Command -- because I believe that hard work and perseverance should always be rewarded.

I do volunteer my time and I *try* to go do all my physical activities. I say try because a lot of times I get too much anxiety and decide to forget it. Sometimes I plan not to do something in the future today! Which isn't great, I know.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Betrayed trust?
« Reply #29 on: June 24, 2016, 09:49:09 PM »
 :hug:  to you, Wanishin...

I am feeling a bit better; even though, my partner went from relieve to now displacing this separation as entirely my fault and claiming I am being mean by minimizing my contact and decided she will not quit the relationship because she doesn't believe in that.  :blink: I find I am emotionally drained: going from relieved to claiming I live for drama and seek out negative attention because it's all I grew up in.
Oh dear... it's only since I myself am starting to see these patterns (in my own life), but if I may summaries what you have posted in this thread:
- she kicked you out of the house.
- after a while you (rightfully) thought: "Well, that's it. I'm done."
- She then says: "Thank heavens you're done."
- The day after she says: "I don't belief in break-ups."

She's the loony here, Wanishin, not you.

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Some days, I wish I could show these texts to other people to just make sure I'm not losing it -- I find my partner has an excellent way to have me doubt if I am being mean or being harsh, and often I start to think that way and then feel extremely guilty for wanting something better; not just for me, but if she really believes this is how I am, for her too. How can someone love another person if they keep berating them? Or claim that I am violent and have an extreme temper? Or say to others she is fearful of me because of my PTSD and that I could snap at any time?

I just don't get it.
She's nuts. There's no other way to say it. There's nothing 'to get', she flip-flops just for the flip-flopping itself. It's a tool, however deranged it is. You are not loosing it, she is. She has lost it long ago probably. You are the one who's NOT loosing it.
She doesn't love you, sorry.
This is not your cPTSD, this is what one gets cPTSD from.

Hang in there. We'll be here for you.
And do read this thread again sometimes. You have written it down. For anybody, including you, to see.
Again and again.

A really BIG  :hug:  to you.