Today I feel ...... (Part 3)

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so rough! I wish I could do something tangible for you but here's a cyber hug.

I'm thinking of you (and everyone here) throughout my day. Sending positive thoughts your way!

[Wife#2]

Sad and angry and frustrated.

Sad that I got drawn into the FOO drama again and that it's a month later and I'm not free yet.

Angry that they (siblings) know why I drew away from Mom yet insist that I ought to be willing to be drawn back in, just because it's Mom.

Frustrated that I've slid back into some behaviors I thought I'd moved on from (fawning around Mom & Sis, JADE).

Angry at myself for allowing the hoover. Angry that I didn't defend myself when my sister completely disrespected me. Angry that I've taken this long to really realize that my sister, in whom I have confided lately, is really a flying monkey for both parents. Angry that they think they (siblings, mostly sis) can expect ANYTHING from me after all Mom has put me through.

[mourningdove]

That's the hardest.
I wish I could sit with you, if you wanted company.  It wouldn't take it away, I know, but you could say it out loud and be heard.

Thank you, radical. That means a lot

Wishing a feeling of peace to everyone who is struggling.

[Jdog]

Sanmagic7-

[Sienna]

  Sanmagic. I don't know what to say that might help. So ill say nothing, but just let you know that i understand and that i am with you, in thought.

[sanmagic7]

thank you all.  in main part because of you my spirit has gotten stronger and today i feel a bit more in control.  i've tried this stuff the doctors' ways, and my system just can't tolerate their meds anymore while my mind can't tolerate their incompetence.  moving forward . . .

[Sienna]

Angry. Why would someone just assume that because I'm *young*- because of my age, that ive never thought about death.
*Oh, your too young to have thought about death*
And i know its them- not me..its their thinking.
Maybe they cant read me.
It just shows that my outside persona and keeping others at a distance via not sharing anything personal is working.
I wonder if anyone has ever stopped and thought, *humm...you know..i don't actually know ANYTHING about her*.
They don't know about my past and the secrets that never get to see the light of say. The things i struggle with.  i just don't think they would believe me as my outside self is so different from all th stuff i hide. from the real me. and they might hurt what they see.
Know one can see me. Its frustrating, because there's so much more about me than what others see on the outside.
But who cares? My X narcissist is starting to turn others against me, so maybe its just a matter of time until these people are all out of my life.
Things always come to and end anyway.
Thanks for listening.

[Sienna]

This isn't a big problem in comparison at all.
I think it just has to do with the rage I'm surpassing, not through my own choice, just, there is know where where i can outlet it all.
Due to weight loss (unintentional, due to social anxiety, so not eating, stress, and maybe adrenal problems..)
i wanted to buy a new pair of jeans as al my jeans are hanging off me.
They fitted great and i was so excited i had finally found a pair.
Due to having no money, i didnt buy a purse -after loosing my purse and everything else in it.
Ordered a new bank card but accidnetly stood on my bag, leaving a crack in my bank card.
It worked fine- until today, so - i couldnt pay for the jeans. Had no cash.
And i was so angry.
I think my rage is to do with more than just this incident. Im just so over the money issue, - which has lead to other problems and not buying a purse to protect my card, and over the not eating thing, which has caused me to loose tones of weight leading to me needing new clothes that i cant afford.
Hopefully i can take money out from the bank tomorrow and order another card.
I wish i had someone to rant to sometimes, even if its only about the small things.

[radical]

You have us, Sienna.
I know it's not the same as having people in person.
Rage is tough.  It burns, and it always feels there is never going to be any outlet so it will just keep burning us up.  And life can feel like one humiliation after another, which doesn't exactly help.
I hope you have a better day or night.  (The different time zones with us being all over the world can be confusing. It's 8.05 am where I am).

[Sienna]

aw, thank you so much radical.
Having you and you guys means a lot.
Rage does burn us up- your right there. And is very damaging to the body.
I hope you have a good day/night too, and thank you so much.
I hope your hanging in there ok too. 

[Sienna]

Anxious and generally....bad.
I feel like a bad person. Worthless. Scapegoat comes to mind, even if everything's all my fault.
Outcast. Like the dirt on someones shoe. i want to  yet it looks like I'm creating my own isolation which has just happened, its not what i want.
I cant please everyone, and know one knows whats happening in my FOO that has meant i cant go back there, and has lead to me making a snap decision about who to spend xmas with, meaning that it took me ages to let this person know...and thats the option i would have rather gone for, rather than the other, in which the choice was also, made for me...
I cant say no, i can't be honest...i feel overly responsible for everyone...
and I'm sure I'm repeating patterns with this guy who I'm spending it with, who is kind of like my father.. My dad may not be physically with me, but he appears in others.

[mourningdove]

Today I feel like there is no hope for me. And it's not just about C-PTSD. It's also about the grim reality of being a poor person in the USA.

[radical]

I want to validate the reality  of the external vulnerabilities and hardships that this condition often inflicts on sufferers, and how they interact with the internal vulnerability, suffering and conflict of cPTSD, and intensify each other.

Poverty is real and frightening.  A huge challenge for any person to live with. I read a report in 'Psychology Today' that showed that most people living in severe poverty, studied by US researchers, met the criteria for PTSD as a result of their everyday experiences of living in poverty; violence, threat of violence, insufficiency, insecurity etc.  I think close to 100 percent suffered clinical depression.  Mental illness often condemns people to poverty and the relationships that can cushion and support are usually family relationships, in our case, usually the very people that caused our condition in the first place.

I don't mean to make you feel more hopeless.  I want to validate that these aspects of the condition are real, and can be a big factor in whether we are able to find relationships that heal and support, or find and further abuse and increased isolation.  That has been true of my experience.  It is part of the picture that many overlook or airbrush out.

This is a harsh world in which to be injured and alone.  It's a fact and it makes me weep.  I can only offer you my solidarity and validation.  I think it does need to be acknowledged and respected.  You never deserved abuse and you certainly don't deserve to live in hardship. I'm really sorry.

[mourningdove]

Thank you so much, radical. 

[mourningdove]

...so scared.