Today I feel ...... (Part 3)

[Kizzie]

Part 3 of the original thread "Today I feel ....."

[Three Roses]

My body hurts. I find myself in an armored full-body clench complete with clenched jaws.

[Sienna]

So appreciative to have one other care about what has been happening- what she observed of narc X and his new misses.
Triggered to anger...resarching my eye condition for benefits forms. All the things my parents blamed me for and that they thought was a personal fault of my own, are due to my vision problem, only i didnt know this until doing in depth research.
If I'm clumsy or dont do well in a crowd, its due to my vision problem- not me being ditzy, or clumsy.
I believe everything comes to you in life that should, to help you learn.

[Sienna]

Aw Three Roses, Im sorry to hear that. I really am.
I know what its like to have a sore body, as mine has been like this for months, and continues to be.
Sounds like your body needs some love and care, and healing.  Easier said than done i know.
I hope you can find some relief ...somehow. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Frightened .. The inner child is trembling ... And then I remember to tell her it's ok and I am taking care of her ...
Whatever happens around me I Am ok ....
I am so glad to know I can ancor to myself and not listen too much to the inner critic -
I do wish I wasn't where I am in my life but wishing it away is not grown up -
I grown now -- or am I ?

[Sienna]

Hey Boatsetsailrose
I'm right here with you.  I wish I could give you a hug. 
So great that you remembered to tell your inner child that you are here for her.

it sounds to me as though you are feeling her pain, her fear, and having to remind yourself and get, that you are safe on the preasent. It sounds like she doesn't feel safe. Are you able to sit with her and feel what she is feeling some more? Are you able to listen to what she may be trying to tell you?
I know it's frightening and I know it's hard.
Good for you for not listening to that inner critic of yours.

You may be grown up, but maybe not in the way most are -if you missed certain developmental milestones due to trauma.
It's ok to not feel grown up or capable at times or like an adult.  It sounds like you are feeling your inner child's feelings.
I wish I could offer  you and her comfort. (I know what it's like to feel like this).
I bet you have an inner fighter that can get you through even if you are not feeling her at the moment. I hope you can listen to her, scary I know, and cuddle her and just be with her.
I do hope you will be feeling ok soon. Big hugs to you both 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you sienna for your lovely reply ...
When I listen to her she is screaming .... In terror

[Sienna]

No worries Boatsrtsailrose.

They sounds awful/ hearing Abd feeling her screaming, I'm so sorry you are going through this trauma stuff - I'm so sorry that you are feeling so terrified.

I do t know what to say to make it better. I don't think I am the right person to know what will make her feel better. You might not know, but I think that eventually you will and I believe you are the best person for the job.

Can you work out what she is screaming about?
If it's too much- are you abke to self soothe if you haven't tried this yet? Or can got at least distract?
I say this because during these times I can't self soothe.
And sometimes it is overwhelming that you might need to distract (for now) the eventual aim is go feel.
I get frustrated listening up my inner child because she tells me stuff, about how she feels, what she is afraid of, and at the  moment, it feels that there is nothing I can do about it.
I do think that just listening to her is what is needed.
Feeling these feelings that have been trapped inside for so long, as that energy, thors feelings- they need somewhere to go. And feeling them up through your body, lets them out and we may have to feel the same thing over and over.

I just realised that you might not want advice, and I just went off on a tangent writing do I'm sorry about that,
Feel free to write out what is happening on here if you need to not be alone right now. And if you think it lift calm her as well as yourself.
You are doing amazingly to be dealing with her terror.
Here for you 

[Sienna]

Hey Boatsetsailrose,
How are you today? Did you manage to sleep at all? (it was night time in the UK when i messaged you)
Thinking of you 

[Sienna]

Boatsetsailrose,
Im so sorry if i tried to much to *fix* what was happening for you.
I had this huge desire to help you as i know what its like to be alone with this really difficult stuff.
So I'm sorry if you felt that I didnt meet you where you were at and accept that.
I hope you are alright.

[Sienna]

Worried, - know one can help me word my PiP form.
Shame and guilt, which makes me cry, when on the phone to some woman asking for help, when she asked me about my visual impairment, and if I'm registered blind.
There is so much shame and guilt surrounding this for me.
I want to shrivel up into myself and disappear, when asked questions about it, as i cant talk about this VI issue with anyone.
im so worried ill have to fill this in myself, and ive done it before and not gotten the right amount i should be on (Pip is for life), so if i fill it in myself, i might do it wrong again and i cant afford to because, as I'm not working, this is the only way i will be able to get my self a place to live.

[Three Roses]

Upset. Huge revelations today. It's good and bad so I'm conflicted.

[Sienna]

That sounds huge Three Roses and very hard.
I hope you are managing ok. Take care of yourself. 

[Sienna]

Angry. Realising the problems i have now are due to the parenting i received.
I need to listen to this and outlet it all, but i have no place to outlet.

[Sienna]

Confused, a little sad, and concerned.
Confused about another...sad and concerned that i responded wrongly today and that may have resulted in this dude feeling invalidated.
I didnt mean to invalidate, i just did the best i could at the time, but  i shouldnt assume that he feels how i would feel, or that he would want to hear eactlu what i would have wanted someone else to say.
I even gave it a lot of thought before i opened my mouth...
I don't know how to be validating- someitmes- but not all the time, as i never learned how!
I cant even think of what i would want someone to say to me in that situation...as maybe ive just never had the right, supportive responses to stuff that is happening in the present day- before i write on the forum or instead of- i mean, at the time that it happens.

this dude has been inconsistent with me so then why am i bothered?
And then i think...that that i cant ever let him know what I'm thinking, or how much i regret today, because i just cant show it. Its like I'm stone around everyone and they would never even guess at how i really feel.