Holding Back On Reaching Out

[movementforthebetter]

Hi everyone. I'm new here.

I'm a 36 year-old woman and found this site through OOTF. I've had a lifetime of difficulties stemming from my FOO and have been in and out of therapy and on and off medication over the years. A couple years ago while searching deeper for some answer about what I was suffering besides depression I learned about NPD and it was the first of many lightbulb moments. I have a uPDM, a deceased alcoholic F, an EnSF, a recovering flea'd B & a severely flea'd or uPDSM. I have been in a relationship for almost a decade.

I've just started some preperatory CBT therapy to give me some coping skills so I can begin EMDR in a couple weeks. It is already painful and I have barely begun.

I woke anxious from a dream about my disordered eating. I had been doing better with self care but this is the first day I have had to continue my new practices while feeling shaky and weepy. I've cried more today than I have in months. And still I think I can get through the activities I know are good for me. I am lucky to be not be working currently; I can't yet manage job responsibilities and my increased care routine.

I have some friends but only a couple know the true extent of my distress. Only a couple people know I am in therapy. And my closest friends are both far away. Today especially I have wanted to talk to someone but I resist because I feel so weak, needy, and unworthy. I don't want to overwhelm others with my complex problems and I fear rejection even from my friends, or maybe especially from them. With no stable FOO I don't want to overuse good will or exhause it, especially since I haven't started the real hard part of therapy yet.

How do you reach out to your support group when you need it most without the off-putting neediness? I know everyone has their own challenges, and I want to be able to maintain the enjoyment of my friendships but still find support when I need it most. I suppose this is why I am here, and grateful this forum exists.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! This forum is a great place to be able to speak your truth, be heard & understood, and not be rejected or avoided because people may be uncomfortable talking about the abuse we've been through. You may be new here, but you're already accepted.

Dive in, the water's fine. 

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks for the warm welcome. I've been devouring forum posts over the past few weeks and I realize the experiences people share here feel very familiar to me. I hope to have my own insight to share in the future as I move through treatment.