Unhelpful help

[Three Roses]

I have a friend, I'll call her "W". I know W means well. She's been in recovery from codependency for 30+ years and thinks it's the answer for everything from personality disorders to bunions. Ay caramba. Anyway, today's email reads, "Never mind about the past, it's gone." 

I can't make W understand that for me, it's not in the past. It's very much in the present - when something as innocuous as counting and hearing myself say "fourteen" out loud sent me into a dissociative spiral. It's like telling someone not to mind the bullets whizzing past their ears, "it's all in the past."

I grieve for a childhood I never had; and I grieve that it's taken me this long to discover just how badly I was treated. How different my life would have been! I don't mean that in a "poor me" kind of way - but a self compassionate way of accepting myself the way that I am. In order to make change, you must acknowledge the problem.

Glad this forum is here so i could get that out of my system. Thanks, I feel better.

[The Moon Hare]

I so understand where you are coming from, my husband says I shouldn't be in the past, but as you say its often in the NOW. I have tried often to tell him how it is .....

I miss my life as I am now 60, don't feel it, I checked out completely from my abuse till late 40's then when I realised had a complete breakdown. Even now I can check out for long periods and not really know that I wasn't out but it was my Kids taking over. If my dad was alive...... think you have an idea.

I have done my grieving for what I lost, I wanted children so badly, I never did have Children, but have been blessed having children around me. I wish you all the best on your journey of healing Three Roses.

[Three Roses]

Thank you. Just knowing someone else gets it is helpful. 

[CP66]

I was diagnosed with PTSD at 17 because of an abusive step-father and was told then that this was something I would likely be dealing with in some way my whole life. I'm 50 now, been in a good relationship for 20 years, have great kids that got to have the childhood I never had - I never passed it on or became what I hate. But, yep! It still is something I often have to deal with. It still comes back and a lot of the time I don't even see it coming. I just spent a couple of years trying to help my mother and unleashed a whole new round of it. And I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Aren't you over that by now?  Let it go." Let's just say that I've heard it enough, I seldom talk about it. Only being with my mother and having so many triggers the last couple of years, and realizing that maybe it wasn't just my step-father I had to with, where I'm back to the whole sleeplessness vs. nightmares cycle, anxiety, crying fits, etc. has me talking about it at all. But what I've come to tell those people who do know and so clearly don't understand and seem to think this is something people just get over is: "You don't understand - and you should thank God you don't and pray you never do. If you can't help or at least empathize, then at the very least, don't cause more hurt with your callousness. I tried to trust you enough to be honest - my mistake. It won't happen again."

[woodsgnome]

This thread touches on that glibbest of all glib cliches, all of which say in one way or another..."just get over it". And, as acknowledged here, it isn't that easy and even the most well-meaning haven't traveled this lonely path.

So it takes courage...but that's so tiring, and seems like yet another meaningless cliche. It all comes down to what Three Roses said in starting this thread, by reminding that there's "a self compassionate way of accepting myself the way that I am. In order to make change, you must acknowledge the problem." There--that simple but eloquent statement--that's the courage, right there. It points to those 'promises to keep' the poets spoke about; promises of peace so elusive, yet so near...if we can allow the self-compassion to flower from within.

Thank you, Three Roses, for a vital reminder. This has been one of those tough days for me, and your reminder was the boost I needed to settle the day's anxiety.

[Three Roses]

Thanks, all, for your kind word and understanding! It means a lot.

[Dutch Uncle]

I stumbled on this quote this morning, and it seems so fitting for this thread:

"I wanted to forget the past, but it refused to forget me; it waited for sleep, then cornered me."
Margaret Atwood

The audacity of these people like "W" to think we actually want to dwell in the past...  :thumb down:
In a bit of devilish anger I'd like to say to people like "W" when they bring up a nice memory: "Oh well, never mind the past." I bet that will not sit very well with them. 

[Flutterbye]

I grieve that it's taken me this long to discover just how badly I was treated.

hear you Three Roses. Sometimes this re-realisation helps me to cut myself some slack & appreciate how good a job I am doing given how horrifically damaged I am, sometimes it makes me feel sad about how horrifically damaged I am.

Frankly, some 'helpful friends' I just want to punch. I know their comments are well-intended but ignorant, like they just don't get it. Not at all. It can be so frustrating. Like if I don't get a peer who for example has DID (as I don't have DID) I just say something like, "you're doing awesome,' rather than dispensing with ignorant (i.e. most likely drastically damaging, invalidating, infuriating) advice because I know that on any given day in my recovery that's what I want to hear. Doesn't matter if someone doesn't understand the details, I just need some encouragement for the hard recovery work I'm doing. While back I did some research into how to cope with uninvited/unwarranted advice - I find it so deeply invalidating and annoying - and was going to share my findings on a thread.. think I found it too annoying to focus on long enough to write & had to just put it out of my mind!

like you, I so value being able to come here & be understood. developmental emotional damage in childhood is so far reaching, just because it doesn't show up on x-rays does not mean it does not leave a vast & complex amounts of damage to recover from. 

[Three Roses]

DU and flutterbye ... thanks for your thoughtful insight. It really helps! I woke up thinking about her comment, and also wondering why it's bothering me. I may take Dutch's idea and write W a letter. But first, coffee. 

[Three Roses]

ok, i sent her this:

thank you for your words! i do agree, being a housecat would complicate being an author, as it would be difficult to hold a pen, or type on a keyboard. and meowing into word recognition programs wouldnt work.... hmmmm...

"nm all that past stuff
it's gone"   would that it were so simple! unfortunately, a lot of my struggle has naught to do with past, but very much present issues... including but not limited to somatic memory, dissociation, and emotional flashbacks.

the al-anon stuff helps the stuff it can help. it does not help the stuff it cannot help.

would you like me to send you some links on information concerning complex PTSD? <3

oh dear what have i done lol

[Three Roses]

Update: she emailed back that, yes, she'd be interested in info on ptsd so I sent her a link. My response was a bit terse so I told her I was a bit cranky and to please excuse.

Her answer brought tears to my eyes - that she knew I wasn't cranky but hurt, and that the info had helped her. She was overwhelmingly positive and validating.

I'm kinda proud of myself. I stuck up for my feelings and didn't hide, for once.

[Flutterbye]

So glad to hear this went well. Yay you 

Maybe your instincts were right on target?

Sometimes my first instincts are right but I'm scared to act on them due to self-doubt, then (not always but an important %age of the time) when I act on them I'm pleasantly surprised & relieved.

[Dutch Uncle]

I'm kinda proud of myself. I stuck up for my feelings and didn't hide, for once.

  Well done.