Bouts of feeling as if you've wasted your life

[Sesame]

Does anyone else ever feel this way and what do you do to make it go away?

I can be doing really well in life in general and feel like I've made huge steps in recovering, but sometimes I get these bouts of feeling very down. Mainly it has to do with feelings such as, due to C-PTSD, there was so much I missed out on in life. There were so many things I wish I could go back and change and my life would be infinitely better, but I can't. I didn't get excellent grades despite my record because a part of my life that contributed to C-PTSD blew up right before exams. And now I feel like it's too late to correct anything. Now I'm too old and I'm too busy and not doing what I love because I can never find the time. There are always other obligations, such as work, taking care of my health or having some semblance of a social life. Then I feel like I will never follow my dream and take steps towards making it come true.

[arpy1]

i really know what you mean, Sesame, it's a horrible feeling to have, and nothing will change the past, no matter how much we wish. BUT...
i guess for me one thing that helps is to have a small project on the go, something that makes me feel creative or that gives me satisfaction. without any time limits for completion, or obligation to finish at all if i don't want.  i guess just making or learning or doing something nice makes the present moment a bit better, and somehow makes me feel more hopeful for the next moment and future moments.  my thing at the moment is to learn to make a willow basket. sounds daft but it helps. maybe my dream (to be a potter) is not going to happen this year or maybe ever (no money, no premises, and anyway, my mind is too poorly), but i can do something small with the resources i do have, this week.

the other thing is to try and remind myself that there was a lot in the my past life that was worthwhile, even if it wasn't as it should have been. what happened to me was wrong and unjust and terrible. but...
  i got two honest and beautiful kids, who love me, out of it, i learnt how to love and how to endure without sacrificing my moral integrity or becoming like the people who were abusing me.  no matter the bad stuff, and how awful it all ended up, those things were valuable, i have them inside me, and they formed me in some way. am i making sense?  i guess i just mean i am trying to keep myself from throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  black and white thinking are a weakness of mine (i wonder if they are symptomatic of cptsd too?) and i have to remind myself that life is many shades of colour.
maybe it's not so much about what i achieve but who i am?

[Three Roses]

Sesame, it sounds like you are describing an emotional flashback. There are things you can do to combat these when they occur - have you read Pete Walker's book on complex PTSD? Or perhaps you could go to the Resources link here and dig around to find what's helpful to you.

Emotional flashbacks are a huge part of CPTSD, so much so that they even have an abbreviation!  . (EF)

I know that feeling of having wasted one's time, I'm almost 60 and just beginning to acknowledge the impact this has had on my life. But I'm not gonna give up, I'm here and worth the effort. And so are you! 

[Three Roses]

There is a thread titled Information about Emotional Flashbacks started by Kizzie on 9/25/2015 that you may find helpful. Here's part of it:

How do I know I am in a Flashback? by Pete Walker

We can often find ourselves in a flashback without ever having seen the "flash". There are a variety of clues that we can learn to identify as signs that we are caught in a flashback. This is essential to recovery, as naming our experience "flashback" (step#1 in flashback management) often immediately brings some relief, and more importantly point us in the direction of working the other 12 steps of flashback management (listed on the flashback management page of this website).

One common clue that we are in a flashback occurs when we notice that we feel small, helpless, hopeless and so ashamed that we are loath to go out or show our face anywhere.

Another common clue that we are flashing back is an increase in the virulence of the inner or outer critic. This typically looks like increased drasticizing and catastrophizing, as well as excessive self-criticism or judgementalness of others. A very common example of this is lapsing into extremely polarized, all-or-none thinking – and most especially into only noticing what is wrong with yourself and/or others. On a personal level, I have learned over the years that when I am feeling especially critical of others, it usually means that I am feeling bad and have flashed back to being around my mother who hated any dip in my mood or energy level lest I be less useful and entertaining to her. During such flashbacks then, I am self-protectively over-noticing other's faults so I can justify avoiding them and the danger and shame of being seen in a state of not being shiny enough. See my articles on "Shrinking the Critic" for more info on how to recognize the various critic attacks that accompany as well as initiate flashbacks.

Another clue about flashbacks is seen in increased activation of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses (see my article on "A Trauma Typology"). Here are some examples of this. Many childhood trauma survivors learned early in life to manage and self-medicate the painful feelings of flashbacks with distracting activities and self-medicating substances - flight and freeze responses, respectively. Over time flight and freeze responses can become habitual. Flight types can devolve into distracting process addictions, and freeze types into "tuning out" substance addictions. The former can morph into workaholism, busyholism, consumerism, or sex &love addiction, and the latter into drinking, drugging, TV entrancement and compulsive eating (especially mood-altering junk foods that contain high quantities of salt, sugar and fat). Addiction for many survivors is a matter of degree, and an especially strong urge to use more substance or process than normal is a powerful clue that one is in a flashback. With practice, mindfully noticing a sudden upsurge in craving can be interpreted as the need to invoke the 13 steps of healthy flashback management.

Another clue that we are in a flashback occurs when we notice that our emotional reactions are out of proportion to what has triggered them, e.g., when a minor, present time upset feels like an emergency or when a minor unfairness feels like a travesty of justice; e.g., a spilled glass of water triggers an incessant diatribe of self-hate, or someone else's relatively harmless, un-signaled lane change triggers us into rage. If we are not mindful at such times, we can either inappropriately act these feelings out against the relatively innocent other, or we can let them morph into shame and act them in against ourselves in self-disgust or self-hatred. If on the other hand we mindfully recognize them as flashbacks to the way we felt about the real emergencies and injustices of parental abuse and abandonment, we can be empowered not only to invoke healthy flashback management techniques, but also to harvest the experience as an opportunity to validate the awfulness of our childhood plight. When we do the latter, we can assign and direct our anger into a self-protective protest about the unfair past, and our tears into self-compassionate crying for the plight of the child we were. Finally, it cannot be stressed enough that it takes a great deal of practicing both of these responses to heal the developmental arrest of being blocked from our all important instincts of self-protection and self-compassion. 

Adandonment Depression and EFs - http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html (Note - Scroll down)

[Contessa]

Oh wow! I am still at the beginning stages of researching and understanding what is happening, and your description, Three Roses, has helped immensely. Its only been in the last couple of weeks that my mind has returned to Earth so I guess slow and steady will do it. Gradually working my way through the different sections of this forum! Really need Pete Walker's book.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I've found grieving what wasn't has been an important part of my recovery ...
Acceptance has then freed the way to what is possible starting from this day ...
Coming from trauma does limit our lives and what is possible due to our concept of self and lack of support
At times lately I ask myself 'am I having a spiritual awakening or a mid life crisis ? Maybe it's both
I can really relate to 'finding time'
I find that others seem to be able to cram more in / multi task
But I am me and I know what I can manage right now and keep some stability
I really like arpy s suggestion of 'having a small project on the go something creative '
I've found this too but I can be very black and white and not allow anything because I'm trying so hard to be in control of my life and spend vast amounts of time worrying
I've found when I do have a little creative project on the go makes all the difference -
Those mindful colouring books I find great

[Sesame]

Thank you so much everyone for the responses.

Arpy1, what you wrote makes perfect sense. While what I've lived through may have been horrific, I may not have been the same person had I not lived through them. I do have a job which is partially creative and I feel it helps, but I have conflicting emotions about it because the job also takes time away from pursuing my dreams. I'm very happy with it, but I don't want all my time absorbed by it, if that makes sense...

Three Roses, thank you for the huge amount of information. I am really surprised because I have experienced emotional flashbacks before, but it is usually an in-the-moment severe reaction. e.g. I feel put on the spot and humiliated, almost burst into tears in public and have to run away and cry for ages. Can an EF occur on a longer timescale as well? For example, this feeling I describe can last for weeks. It definitely sounds possible it could be the same thing, but I never thought about it until after reading your message.

Boatsetsailrose, I am glad to know I am not alone.

[arpy1]

Can an EF occur on a longer timescale as well? For example, this feeling I describe can last for weeks.

my personal experience would suggest that yes, Sesame, definitely. an emotional flashback is a bit different from a visual or auditory type flashback.  i think of it more a s a feeling state where i am living in the emotional turmoil of the traumatic times even tho i am not in them at the moment. i may or may not be able to identify the trigger. sometimes it's an event, often it could be a dream, or even just something i watch or read - it can vary. it is horrible, i have to admit.  i guess, having spent so many decades in a hyperaroused emotional state, i just havent managed to learn how to turn the volume down! 

i find that repeating to myself that 'nothing bad is happening to me at this moment. i am ok at this moment' and things like that, help to get me through the worst moments of fear and anxiety. a sort of 'on the go' adaptation of Pete Walker's EF management techniques. when i can get it together i do try and sit down and go through these, but i find one of two of them a bit triggering, partic around thought control, so i am not too good at them, tbh.

i think for myself that learning how to turn down the volume and regulate my emotional state is the key to being able to move on into some kind of life. it's not easy, i know.

don't know if this is any use to you, Sesame. just thought i'd share 

[Dutch Uncle]

What made me realize I should look for help concerning my alcoholism was that one one night I walked around town thinking: "My whole life is a lie. It's all a charade. It's always been a lie. All I have ever done is pretending." Thankfully I almost immediately realized: "Nah, no way. Your life is not a lie, Dutch. It's all to real. And you deserve credit for it, not rebuke. Whatever it is, it's been anything but a lie."

In hindsight, I guess it's the first time I gave my Inner Critic an uppercut so hard it knocked him/her K.O.

[Danaus plexippus]

My life didn't turn out anything like I had planned, hoped or dreamed it would. I have no children and my husband is dead. I was not able to earn a living as an artist, costume designer, yoga instructor, gardener, writer or YouTube video creator. I work full time at a job that uses none of my skills, talents or creativity. It leaves me feeling frustrated, fatigued and unmotivated. I know better than to be ungrateful for my paycheck. Before this steady job, I lived in a condemned building with no power, ate out of garbage cans, got my close from Good Will and my furniture from the curb. I spent a lot of time crying and acting out appositionally. I continue to catch myself reacting out of proportion to the circumstance. Group therapy and meds help, but through the haze I know I can be so much more. https://youtu.be/9AgCr2tTvng 

[Sesame]

arpy1, reading others' stories is always helpful for me. Thank you for sharing. It sounds highly likely it's what I am going through now. In fact, today I had an awkward encounter and felt so much worse about myself than usual, as well as a lot more nervous that I know I should be. I will definitely check out Pete Walker's book.

Dutch Uncle, it seems I have a good sense of when I'm hearing from the inner critic, but the bad feelings are more difficult for me to do anything about.

Danaus plexippus, that is awful. I'm so sorry. If you have survived through all that, I am sure you have the potential. Even if everything that contributed to my C-PTSD is awful, I do have to admit it gives me the knowledge I have amazing strength and resilience. It's just translating that into a course of action towards what I want that's difficult. The problem is how do we become our better selves from here?

[arpy1]

It's just translating that into a course of action towards what I want that's difficult. The problem is how do we become our better selves from here?

i guess maybe we have to be content to move forward ultra slowly. i know for myself i seem to have used up all my resilience just surviving.. i know it sounds melodramatic but  i am amazed at how weary is still am and how fragile, even after a few years out of the situations that got me like this. i feel sort of broken at a very deep level and i am not sure i can put all the bits back together into something workable. maybe i i will never be what i could have been, or should have been. but maybe i can make the best of what i am now, and try to be proud that i survived at all. is that awfully fatalistic, or is it me being realistic?

[Contessa]

i seem to have used up all my reslience just surviving.

Couldn't agree more arpy1. Using all of your energy to keep your head above water, while others appear to be swimming to their destination with ease. Maybe with a pair of flippers. Later, they're sipping a cocktail on the shore while you get caught in a rip tide... pardon me, got carried away with the metaphor.

[woodsgnome]

One thing for sure with me--the bouts of thinking that life is wasted seem fewer, but they always sneak up on me regardless. They're part of the waves in life, up/down/gone/back again. So this reflection refers to those down/back again times. Who said life is consistent, eh?

My earliest memories stem from abuse, so it started a sense that life is a problem. Only as an adult have I begun to realize it could be anything else.  But the futile feeling is what I always cycled back to. I hesitate to use the word 'feeling' though, as I withdrew from feelings quite early to avoid the world crashing  in on me.


In relative terms, it seems like I'm getting better, whatever that really means.  Or am I just understanding more of the rotten core and only practicing more comfy avoidance techniques to salve the senseless mental pain and anguish that refuses to leave? Real peace is all I ever really wanted...I guess I can toss that into the graveyard of lost illusions, too.

I recently re-started therapy with a very savvy therapist, so I have a smidgen of hope for at least a sympathetic ear, but inside I fear I'm beyond hope, that I don't deserve it anyway. I can analyze that to death, too; yet another way of just stewing my way towards the end. At least with little hope, there's less inclination to search so desperately. Which might be a good thing? No false expectations, for starters.

So you know those goal-oriented questions on the start-up forms for doing therapy? My answer was..."my only goal is to somehow find out that life is not just one huge disappointment." Life may not be a waste, it just seems that way. Finding any truth in that notion is just wishful thinking (shut up, inner critic!).....