I know I'm spending too much time online

[Flutterbye]

I don't know how I used to spend my time before I had the internet at home. I'm finding that I'm almost compulsively checking my email and updates and this just happened and that just happened. A lot of the incoming information I find irritating, whether it's spammy advertising, something I've signed up for like pinterest (not imo actually interesting to me at all) or just getting the opposite kind of reply that I wanted (e.g. asked a 3d friend for a favour and get a 5,000 word essay reply that says in a very roundabout, ambiguous way 'no, I don't want to help you with that favour.') As far as online society goes, at various times, I participate on different support forums [just to clarify & avoid being cryptic, I'm not referring to OOTS, this OOTS forum is one of the few places I actually feel heard & understood, thank goodness  ], for example, such as a local mental health forum that has peer support and also trained mh moderator staff. it gets to the point where I can't remember why I joined, it's more like a kind of addiction. Like, I'm too scared to go onto for example facebook and share my thoughts or news there, so instead I share my news/thoughts on my local mental health forum because I'm pretty darn sure I'm doing something anxious/depressed & I'd rather keep it private/anonymous but I do want to share it somewhere because I'm pretty lonely & want to tell someone.

I guess it's nothing new that I'm very lonely. And there is no reason why participating in safe, online 'life' should not be a sensible way for me to have some kind of 'connection', or at least just pass the time (I have a lot of time on my hands, especially when I feel anxious). For some reason - the reason is my personality - I get very irritated by it all. I get online to try to find something soothing or neutral or maybe a little uplifting. and after a little research or trying to listen to a guided meditation, I generally find myself running back to my inbox & just feeling very irritated and annoyed once I'm there. As far as addictive behaviour goes, hey, it's better than drinking. But sometimes my reactions are so triggery I do want to drink!

I just can't recall how I used to cope with these feelings of anxiety & loneliness pre-internet, they are nothing new but I don't know how I used to pass the evenings - I had no pc, let alone internet for years & years living by myself.

I try the strategies of doing some alternative thing that is productive, like housework or craft or exercise if it's daytime. Thing is I have a lot of difficulty concentrating and focusing due to dissociation. I work really hard on my recovery, it's not like I'm passive & a victim about managing my dissociation and anxiety, I know what they are (can identify what I'm feelings & why I keep getting online) and I've put a lot of work into managing these 'symptoms' and a lot of work into my recovery every day.. but it's just so frustrating that after all this work I'm kinda still this awful, highly reactionary personality. I'm working (really hard!) on my social isolation, social skills & loneliness and I'm making some very small, slow progress with persistent work.. it just seems there is gazillions of hours to fill each day, I have all this time on my hands and as soon as loud noise outside or other trigger sets me off I get very anxious and go online.

If I don't like what I find in my inbox why do I keep checking it so often hoping to find some amazingly nice surprise there? If I don't like how I feel participating on my local mental health forum why do I keep returning to it like a moth to a flame, hoping I'm miraculously going to feel a different reaction than I've been feeling all this time? If I keep getting very irritated why do I keep going back for more? one thing I find highly irritating is condescending, unwarranted advice - I'm c-ptsd not a totally lazy idiot, they are different things!

I know back when I used to have 3d friends, yeas ago, I used to bug them with phone calls and text messages. I just wanted to talk. They got so fed up with it they would finally turn around and say, "You are so lonely, get a life." and cut me lose. So now that I've recently found the courage to try to make some 3d friends I think it's important for me to have some kind of ways of interacting elsewhere so I don't return to that behaviour, it's important to give people space & respect their boundaries (that's what I expect from people, I like to have my boundaries respected).

None of this really sounds very productive. I know the obvious solution is to simply get offline already Flutterbye. Stop going online!! It's hard to do. Just feel really frustrated.

Also, I really don't like that I'm such an irritable person, get so annoyed all the time. I think it's a classic ptsd symptom, not sure if it's also shared by most c-ptsd folk. in any case, it feels like this terrible dirty secret that I'm irritable, short-tempered. why am I the only one getting so annoyed and irate about it all?

[Three Roses]

Oh boy, this could've been written by me. i used to spend hours and hours reading and playing solitaire, when i had downtime to spend. i used to think of it differently but now i see it as a way of freezing, disconnecting from the world and going into my own little world as an avoidance technique. (I'm not saying that's what you're doing.) and believe me, you're not the only one getting annoyed and irate!

i thought you were very brave to admit that you're lonely. that helped me look at my own loneliness & tendency to isolate. thanks for your post!

[radical]

Me too.

I have noticed that i compulsively hit 'receive' on my email when I feel a compelling "need" for some kind of external validation.  It's a vicious circle.  Email is very seldom genuinely validating or connecting, often the opposite, which somehow fuels the compulsion.

[Flutterbye]

thanks 3roses & radical. I feel better for sharing this.

I managed to go for a jog (walk/jog) and felt better for it, at least one day feeling better is better than nothing!

Previously I've tried to break this online 'habit' of mine by spending 30 days off a particular site. The first few days are very difficult but it helps, even if I don't make it the full 30 days it's still a helpful method for me. I think I'll try to give it a go. It's a matter of making a real effort to push myself out the front door and do something in 3d each day.. its' all too easy to get glued to my pc at home, especially if there is (always!) laundry, dishes, cookery or vacuuming to do because I tell myself I can't go out before I complete all those things lest they pile up.. and then spend too long online to get much of that stuff done.

anyways thanks for listening.