TRIGGER WARNING: My Upbringing & Infidelity

[movementforthebetter]

This is a sensitive, sordid topic I haven't seen adressed here. I am concerned if I am the only one to experience something like this that it may be indicative of me leaning into PD territory or perhaps bipolar. I haven't read about anyone else here being the one to cheat. It is also highly personal and I feel broken in some way that I can't parse. I will provide background to try to give context for my actions but not to justify them. Sorry in advance for the length. I have so much to unpack and I need help. I have brought this up with my T but we are only working on coping skills currently and this is still bugging me. I plan to adress aspects of it when I start EMDR soon.

At age 5 I found my F's stash of fetish porn in the basement. I didn't comprehend what I was looking at. I was made to feel shame and guilt for finding it. Around the same time is when I started sexually charged play with a boy my age. It was innocent exploration - how could it be anything else at that age? It was mutual. This kind of play continued throughout my childhood with other friends and I was caught once by my father. More shame. Around age 7 I was molested by a female babysitter (sister of a friend) who was 12-15 yrs old. She said we were playing and to keep it a secret, and I chalked it up as another exploration until I was an adult and realised I had actually been molested. I still have confusion surrounding this experience. I guess that was more of an awakening and I took a heightened interest in sex from around age 8-9 on.

I have almost always been in a relationship since my teenage years. I started being pressured by boys for sex from age 13 on but managed to not lose my virginity until 17 with my first serious boyfriend. I actually had a boyfriend before him that I would have done this with but he was not ready, I made him uncomfortable, and we broke up. This is when I think I started developing an unhealthy pattern of jumping from one relationship to the next.

From the boyfriend I lost my virginity to in '97 up until the present I have only been single for 3 years. Almost all my relationships have been one right after the other. Generally I would meet someone new and become infatuated, feel sick from disloyalty, and end the current relationship so I could cleanly persue things with the new interest.

My choices in men became progressively worse for me. I spent 4 years in a relationship with a man and I was caregiver for the last 2 after he was diagnosed with a degenerative disease. I think now that I was enabling him. He cheated on me twice in those first 2 yrs and I forgave him. I had my first go at therapy during this relationship. I finally left him and was single for 2 yrs but still dated during that time.

There was nothing serious from any of the guys' perspectives. One turned out to be incredibly charming but a liar and unfaithful, probably an N (told me things like all his friends had a purpose). But I fell completely in love with that one before I caught him holding hands with another woman in a mall. I was devastated. And after we messily broke up he kept contacting me and I couldn't move on, thinking somehow there was hope.

I dated a couple others to try and erase him. I got off to a tumultuous start with a guy who was leaving town, setting myself up for more heartbreak. I couldn't handle it, and decided to move across the country a few months later to be with him. We had only been together 6 months before & I was still partially trying to shake the ghost of my exN who still kept contacting me. I told him I was leaving town and that put a stop to his interest.

Things right off the bat weren't great in this new relationship, but I tried to make it work and overlook things that upset me. He was emotionally unavailable & non-communicative & stubborn. We fought as I tried to get my needs met. And slowly I started giving up on my needs and settled into quiet, lonely co-existence. 5 yrs later exN contacted me and was charming as ever. After months of online affair I met up with him and I cheated. It eventually ended with me telling him to never contact me again. I tried to break up with BF but had no courage of conviction and failed twice. Again I settled back into my unhappy relationship. I kept thinking that if I could just make him happy enough, help him enough, he would blossom and treat me the way I needed to be treated. I subsumed myself to him, helping make his dreams come true while I masochisticly suffered for my sin working jobs I hated and remained emotionally unfulfilled.

Fast forward to now. We've been together 9 years & he's tried to be supportive in his way but never the ways I need.  I started binge eating. I had a serious health scare. I am not working after being laid off. I have been too depressed to care for myself. I realised I need therapy an
& planned to start after I took time to go back home for the first time in 4 yrs and reconnect with friends plus see my uPDM and recovering flea'd B. I had clarity that I want to move home and get my life together. It will take me time to get out of my relationship and move back.

And while I was there this time a different ex contacted me.  He was a nice one, a few yrs younger, we'd dated briefly & at the time we decided we wanted different things so we split. We went for a drink and bared our truths to each other. I left knowing there was chemistry. And then he contacted me again, and came to see me again, and I cheated again. I am now in a distance affair.

I plan to leave my relationship and move home. I am in therapy. But I had planned to do it while single. Now I have this affair clouding my view of my future even though we both say we want to be single for a while as we both have baggage. We found comfort in each other and we communicate in the same way, with many things in common. After years without that, I was starving for it.

I wonder what kind of person I really am. I feel like I have no integrity or self respect. It was hard for me to write this but I feel a little better not bottling it up. I'd appreciate an outsider's perspective. Thank you.

[Three Roses]

I behaved much the same in my younger years. I've thought about it quite a lot and have come to see how my own overly sexual behavior was created by my FOO's unhealthy support of my acting out (which all children do) and by subsequent sexual abuse.

My behavior created such shame in me that I was eventually able to change, marry and remain faithful; altho this marriage was highly dysfunctional, it fulfilled the need in me to focus on external circumstances as the perceived source of my unhappiness and kept me from looking within for my answers - altho I went to see counselors I always stopped going before having any kind of breakthrough. I still sought relief from my deep unhappiness through fantasizing about escaping my marriage into the arms of a new lover who would fulfill my every need, which kept me from looking to myself to fulfill my own needs first and then participate in a healthy relationship second.

I am now almost 60 and am just beginning to realize all this. It would have been better if I'd had the courage to see the truth earlier.

[movementforthebetter]

I behaved much the same in my younger years. I've thought about it quite a lot and have come to see how my own overly sexual behavior was created by my FOO's unhealthy support of my acting out (which all children do) and by subsequent sexual abuse.

My behavior created such shame in me that I was eventually able to change, marry and remain faithful; altho this marriage was highly dysfunctional, it fulfilled the need in me to focus on external circumstances as the perceived source of my unhappiness and kept me from looking within for my answers - altho I went to see counselors I always stopped going before having any kind of breakthrough. I still sought relief from my deep unhappiness through fantasizing about escaping my marriage into the arms of a new lover who would fulfill my every need, which kept me from looking to myself to fulfill my own needs first and then participate in a healthy relationship second.

I am now almost 60 and am just beginning to realize all this. It would have been better if I'd had the courage to see the truth earlier.

Three Roses, thank you for your reply. It brought me to tears. I relate strongly to what you said. When I told my BF I need therapy and that I specifically wanted to see a cptsd therapist his response was "Why?" even though he knows my FOO history. While I can't really say I've been abused by him, years of invalidation by both him AND myself have done so much damage. I had to insist I needed therapy. I feel like I was deadening myself to avoid making the changes I needed that would allow me to stand on my own because I am so ashamed and scared to discover who I really am. I'm trying to avoid reading into my BF's motives any more. I have been in distress my entire life and only I can make it better now. One of my many therapy goals is to learn to be content and healthy alone.

As for the affair, I think it's a quirk of timing and plays into the pattern I'm trying to break. This man I can communicate with so easily that it's almost cruel he would appear now. I feel like Molly Grue when The Last Unicorn finally appears to her... "How dare you come to me now, when I am this." (and now I know what my avatar will be) He says I'm different and rare and wants to be in my life no matter what form it is in. (Don't they all? In my case, not that I've felt this close to believing.) I find it so hard to trust him or myself that I can access such kindness and such a close bond with a man without it returning to sex.

I need to step away from all romantic relationships to heal, and that will take more courage and conviction than I have ever had before. And that's where I'm prone to self-sabotage, because my coping skills are missing.

Thanks again for your reply.

[Monriss]

I am having very similar issues. I'm only 21, about to get divorced, staying at another guy's apartment. I just diagnosed myself with C-PTSD after a lot of research because I have almost every symptom. I feel better knowing whats happening to me, but I'm really scared, and I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I am in therapy twice a week right now. Please talk to me if you see this reply. I need someone to relate to. I feel hollow like a fake person or something.

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Monriss,

Discovering cptsd was both one of the biggest reliefs and one of the most overwhelming things I have ever experienced. You are definitely not alone.

I have delved into my situation quite a bit more in my recovery journal (through the looking glass to trigger town). As the name implies, quite a bit there might be triggering but I do label my posts to ease you in. Through intensive therapy and reading everything here I could stomach, I have had several breakthroughs about why I cheated and how it links to my past traumas.

If you're like me you'll want to race through things to get back on track. Unfortunately recovery will be slower than you want but the progress you can make by just slowing down and trusting yourself is huge. I found it all very scary at first. It still is but now it's more manageable. I found that naturally I progress into new territory when I am ready to. My body has done a good job protecting me from pain I wasn't yet strong enough to confront. I have also committed to me being my main priority and that has allowed me to learn about myself in ways I never could when I was focused on others.

You will be ok. Make sure you spend some time setting up some kind of care routine as that will be the main thing that helps you through your recovery work. There's a wealth of great perspective in this community. Glad you found it.

[Three Roses]

If you're like me you'll want to race through things to get back on track. Unfortunately recovery will be slower than you want but the progress you can make by just slowing down and trusting yourself is huge. I found it all very scary at first.

That thing about feeling hollow and fake happens to me. Usually when I'm stressed. If I slow down, breathe, and practice mindfulness it helps.

[Monriss]

Hi Monriss,

Discovering cptsd was both one of the biggest reliefs and one of the most overwhelming things I have ever experienced. You are definitely not alone.

I have delved into my situation quite a bit more in my recovery journal (through the looking glass to trigger town). As the name implies, quite a bit there might be triggering but I do label my posts to ease you in. Through intensive therapy and reading everything here I could stomach, I have had several breakthroughs about why I cheated and how it links to my past traumas.

If you're like me you'll want to race through things to get back on track. Unfortunately recovery will be slower than you want but the progress you can make by just slowing down and trusting yourself is huge. I found it all very scary at first. It still is but now it's more manageable. I found that naturally I progress into new territory when I am ready to. My body has done a good job protecting me from pain I wasn't yet strong enough to confront. I have also committed to me being my main priority and that has allowed me to learn about myself in ways I never could when I was focused on others.

You will be ok. Make sure you spend some time setting up some kind of care routine as that will be the main thing that helps you through your recovery work. There's a wealth of great perspective in this community. Glad you found it.

Thank you

[theaquarist]

Hi Movement + Monriss,
I'm 24 with the cptsd and it took me until this summer to realize what I've been doing when I've cheated. I have struggled knowing what it means, how it hurts me and others, and how it has fueled a lot of my negative feelings about myself.
Monriss I relate to what you have shared with feeling "hollow" and not knowing what to do. These last 6 months have been the longest amount of time I have not cheated in some way or form. It has been taking a lot of mindfulness and honesty with myself but I'm trying very hard to not judge myself, which means scaring myself out of confronting the truth.
Thank you for this thread, Movement. Reading your experience helped me feel much more compassionate to myself and more apt to move forward than I was before. It is so hard to feel like there's no one to talk to or that maybe no one would accept me if they knew.
HUGS!!! Many, many, many hugs.