Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

[sanmagic7]

thank you for this.  i was able to give this list to my husband who has argued constantly when i tell him how i want to be spoken to, especially in public, or with others around.  he, of course, had no idea of what he had been doing, just following the way his dad interacted with his mom and defending that interaction.  he's quite new to anything personally insightful, so things like this, that he can see in black and white make a big difference with him.  it brings him to an 'aha!' moment.  this was also very validating for me for all those times i couldn't explain to him why it bothered me when he said certain things in certain ways.  and, validation is my medicine du jour nowadays.  this has been really appreciated.

[Vexed]

The one that stopped me dead is my tracts:

Trying to isolate you - "You are the only one who feels that way." "It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?"

Of all the things he does and says, this statement shuts me up the quickest. It's the exact wording too.
I remember going into a frinzied search on all things invalidating, to argue my case to him. Now that he understands it, for the most part, he corrects everyone else's invalidating habits as if he's a guru.

[Wife#2]

Oh, Vexed,

I'm so sorry that you've had such overwhelming invalidation like that!

Here's something for your inner child, that freezes when hearing Vexed is the  ONLY ONE who feels that way..... And that is GOOD ENOUGH! It doesn't matter if you are the only one, it matters that you feel that way, in the moment.

The sarcastic in me (which has been finding her way out a lot more lately) wants to shout - so if I'm the only one who feels like crying at your funeral, I should buck up and dry my tears? If your death didn't bother anybody else, I shouldn't let it bother me? Come on, my feeling about this situation is just as valid as that.

I hope that counter to such a horrible phrase will help you keep it in perspective.

[Vexed]

lol, I'll keep that in the back of my mind when he starts his crud 

[LaurelLeaves]

Thank you Three Roses.
My childhood abuse was all invalidation. 
I wound up trying to be a whole other person. 
But when you do that you have no self-esteem, because your "self" is not even there.

[sanmagic7]

after reading your other post, laurelleaves, you give another meaning to surviving emotional abuse. 

and, i do believe that your self-esteem is beginning to grow, as is your entire person.  you posted here, showed yourself, so we know that you exist, even it others want to deny that.   you are real and true.

[Three Roses]

Laurel - someone suggested this link, I forget who - "how traumatic boundary violations destroy the capacity for self care", http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911. Really great insights! Thanks to whoever this was from.

[LaurelLeaves]

Wow.  That's deep.  I've never thought about boundaries.  I'm making a list, as we speak, of things that are boundary-like.
Thanks Three Roses.

[Three Roses]

You're very welcome    glad you're here 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Thanks for sharing this list Three Roses.  So true...  I recognise these words so well. This is another form of emotional abuse and can really make you lose your sense of self, especially when already fragile (or fragmented) from other forms of abuse. Great site too! Am posting this quote which I found because I have experienced it too.

Judith Lewis-Herman, who first proposed Complex PTSD as a separate diagnosis, stated:
"Observers who have never experienced prolonged terror, and who have no understanding of coercive methods of control, often presume that they would show greater psychological resistance than the victim in similar circumstances. The survivor's difficulties are all too easily attributed to underlying character problems, even when the trauma is known. When the trauma is kept secret, as is frequently the case in sexual and domestic violence, the survivor's symptoms and behavior may appear quite baffling, not only to lay people but also to mental health professionals. The clinical picture of a person who has been reduced to elemental concerns of survival is still frequently mistaken for a portrait of the survivor's underlying character." [1]:388 Read more: http://traumadissociation.com/complexptsd.html

[Three Roses]

Wow!  Thanks for posting this.

[radical]

A couple of days ago, I started a boundary diary based on an article I read.
Boundaries sound so simple and yet they are at the core.  Just being able to experience my self in interactions and start thinking about being with people in a way in which I have rights and preferences is important.
Thanks for this article

[Fen Starshimmer]

Three Roses, so pleased you like my quote. 

Radical - it's funny that you mention a "boundary diary". What a good idea! My T recommended a book by Cyndi Dale about boundaries as it's something I need to work on, especially being so sensitive to the moods and energies of others. Maybe I'll post some bits and pieces about it when I get further into the book.

Fen

[writetolife]

Thank you for sharing, Three Roses.  That post was totally worth going into dissociation for (which of course is not even remotely your fault.  You even put a trigger warning in the subject.  I just chose to go there anyway).  I'm still living with my abusive person, and its still really hard to understand why what he does hurts me because I'm so used to the tactics being "acceptable."  I think I need to save this and journal about it or slip it away somewhere so I can pull it out when I need it, so I can be like "I'm not over reacting.  He did THIS and it's abusive. "  This post was totally worth going into dissociation for. 

Now excuse me while I go do some Sudoku to see if I can get my brain back again.  Sigh...dissociation is kinda stupid. 

[Three Roses]