Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

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Three Roses

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Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« on: June 20, 2016, 08:53:41 PM »
since i read this, it's been nagging me in the head, wanting to be shared.

Emotional abuse through invalidation

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. When we invalidate a person's feelings, the implied messages are - i know what you should feel more than you know about yourself - you must be weird for not feeling what i feel - I don't approve of what you feel - Don't be yourself. Be what I expect you to be.

Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality. It is like telling water to not be wet. There are many forms of invalidation. Most of them are so insidious that we don't even know what is happening.

Ordering you to feel differently - "Get over it." "Don't be so sensitive."
Ordering you to look differently - "Don't look so serious." "Don't look so proud of yourself."
Denying your perception, defending - "You've got it all wrong." "But of course I respect you."
Trying to make you feel guilty while invalidating you - "I tried to help you." "At least I ____." "You are making everyone else miserable."
Trying to isolate you - "You are the only one who feels that way." "It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?"
Minimizing your feelings - "You must be kidding." "It can't be that bad."
Using reason - "There is no reason to get upset." "Let's stick to the facts." "Maybe it is because ______."
Judging and labeling you - "You have a problem." "You are too sensitive." "You are hopeless."
Telling you how you "should" feel or act - "You should be excited." "You shouldn't let it bother you."

source:  http://traumadissociation.com

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LanaBanana

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2016, 09:30:48 PM »
Thank you for the resource! Really helpful!  :thumbup:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2016, 10:02:34 PM »
Yeah, so true...
Thanks for sharing.

Any particular reason why you have put this n the "Friends" section?
I'm tempted to move it to the "Causes of cPTSD" board.  :Idunno:

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mourningdove

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2016, 10:31:27 PM »
Yes   :'(

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Three Roses

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2016, 10:35:31 PM »
Dutch - feel free to move it anywhere you want :D

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Flutterbye

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2016, 01:12:03 AM »
thanks for sharing 3 roses  :hug: some of my worst adult experiences of this have been in 3d support groups and in poor therapy, very damaging to my recovery at the time. It's so great to find validation here.

Dutch, invalidation is a significant cause of cPTSD from my past but these kinds of experiences mainly effect me in the present as I repeat them in my social interactions today. Apols, I'm not too familiar with all the boards yet, is there some place for developing healthy social skills, social interactions & boundaries? Idk, just my 2c worth.

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Contessa

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2016, 05:13:44 AM »
Agreed.

All that was ever wanted was some awareness from those I thought meant the most. They're not expected to understand, just listen. Not offer advice, they can't. All that is wanted is a simple "That really sucks. Lets go have a beer and talk some sh**."

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2016, 05:18:03 PM »
My inner critic does the “Judging and Labeling” thing. This gives a whole new meaning to self-abuse. Wow! My former shrink judged and labeled me too. My T said I should have called him out on it. I didn't know what it was when it happened. What's in it for me to aggravate myself if I don't have to.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2016, 05:26:34 PM by Danaus plexippus »

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2016, 08:17:29 AM »
Apols, I'm not too familiar with all the boards yet, is there some place for developing healthy social skills, social interactions & boundaries? Idk, just my 2c worth.
Not as specific as you mention, but the Recovery from cPTSD-board is a place where things like that are shared. Particularly in the "Ideas/tools for recovery" and the "Successes, Progress?" child-boards there. The "General Discussion" might also be a place to look and/or share your own thoughts and/or experiences.

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Wife#2

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2016, 06:39:50 PM »
Please forgive me, my son. My darling boy. These phrases were such a part of my growing up that I didn't even realize the damage they do. I've hurt you and only begun to recognized how deeply.

These phrases do hurt, I should know, I received them often also. It's time for me to grow my 'Mama Bear' claws and protect my DS8 from myself AND his father and sister and brother who do say these things exactly as well as similar things to this sweet boy.

He is a sensitive person and it is NOT RIGHT to hurt or chastise him because of it. Who gets to define 'too sensitive' anyway? Do I have a right? NO! Just because his emotional outburst is not conveniently timed gives me NO right to lash out at him with such unkind words and judgments.

I have a lot of apologizing and making it up to this good boy God gave me. I may never convince the rest to do this, but at least he will know he has one champion in his life. I can love him enough to see that this type of thing stops. Now. Forever. Not in my house, not to my son. Or to me anymore, for both our sakes. If I refuse to tolerate it and teach him how to defend HIMself, then we both may come out of this stronger.

That is such an insidious evil, I must force it out of my own mouth as well as the mouths of others around me and DS8.

Thank you more than I can ever, ever say for making this point, Three Roses. You have placed a mirror in front of me and I needed to see what was there. Now, I can act on this knowledge. I hope it isn't too late to reduce the lasting damage. Again ~ Thank you!

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #10 on: July 15, 2016, 07:29:29 PM »
You have chosen to be the change you wish to see in your family. Habits ingrained in us from youth take constant vigilance to eradicate. If we don't get enough sleep, if we are overworked, stressed or in physical pain the most regrettable things can come shooting out of our mouths like emotional shrapnel. First thing, stop beating yourself up. My grandmother used to say the bling can't lead the blind. Fill your mind with loving thoughts so that loving words should come out of your mouth. As hard as it is for many of us to smile, Mother Theresa said our smiles are a gift of love.

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Three Roses

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2016, 07:34:24 PM »
I agree with Danaus. While it's important to recognize areas in our lives that need improvement, it's also important to not beat ourselves up ("When you know better, you do better.")

And quite possibly, your son will learn the most precious gift of all  - how to improve oneself in the face of opposition.

I say, good for you!

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Wife#2

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2016, 08:30:51 PM »
I'm not beating myself up. I'm recognizing where I have been wrong, addressing it head on, thanking a friend for making me aware that there WAS a problem and moving forward with as much integrity as I can muster.

The reason I even posted about having a mirror up is that it's so easy to say - Yeah, my husband does that to our son, just like our Mom's did to us. But, that wouldn't be the whole picture and would have made it appear that I was some innocent trying to make my mean husband stop. Well, the fact is, we both do this. And since I can't change my husband, I wrote the post about my own awakening awareness. And what I can and will do to change what I CAN change.

I do especially love the idea of putting only love thoughts about my son when I think of him, am around him, talk with him. This will help me to pull these invalidating phrases out of my 'handy phrase book'. It's helped me to reduce and almost completely eliminate cussing at all, but especially around my son. DS8 knows that I will try, I may fail, but I don't give up. Not when it comes to him.

I had already recognized a couple of these phrases as damaging, but not all - so I am thankful for the list as it is presented. I can also work on my tone - so that exasperation is not the primary emotion DS8 hears from me. Another work-in-progress!

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felloutofthesky

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #13 on: July 19, 2016, 07:54:34 PM »
Wow, this is really helpful. I just made a post about struggling with an enabler - who has said many of these things when defending her role in the abuse. Thank you for sharing  :)

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macandrui

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Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2016, 05:45:14 AM »
Thank you three roses for the link