Dealing with my mother...

[artemis23]

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[Three Roses]

I really feel for you, you're in a difficult situation. And I'd be super angry too so I totally understand. She really sounds like she's very invalidating toward you, and minimizes what you've been thru and her part in it all.

I'm sorry that I don't have any ideas for you.    to you

Here's a thread on invalidation. http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4156.0

[LanaBanana]

Artemis23, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's a really tough situation to deal with. 
Thank you for writing about this. Your mother sounds a lot like mine, whom I suspect is either a covert narcissist or a really co-dependent person. It's a really tricky situation to deal with, especially since you depend on her for financial support.

I don't know if I can help you, but I'll try and write what worked for me in my case. With my mother, I had to grieve the parent I always wanted and needed. For a long time, I had seen my father as the sole abuser of the family (he was narcissistic and violent), and I cast my mother in the role of the victim that I had to protect. Much like what you say about your mother, mine didn't protect me from my father and abandoned me over and over again, and used me as a shield against her own husband. It took me a long time to see that (my father's abuse was more overt than hers). But for some time, I had been trying to get her to change. I thought that if I could explain to her how she treated me and get her to see things from my perspective, she'd be able to see me for who I really am and be the mother that I never got to have. However, much like for you, she kept repeating the same patterns, or forgot the conversations I had with her, and kept re-traumatizing me (I think unintentionally). I had to grieve and let go of my desire to have a mother who can respect my needs and in a way, take care of me emotionally. My mother it seems cannot be that person, and can barely take care of her own needs too.  The only solution I have found for now is to distance myself emotionally from her and enforce my boundaries in some ways. I am also somewhat financially dependent on her still, and my C-PTSD prevents me from getting a job for now, so enforcing and maintaining these boundaries can be a bit tricky at times.

I don't really know your situation, but my advice would be to take care of yourself first and foremost and try and avoid re-traumatization (is that even a word?). As hard as it may seem, your mother doesn't know what's best for you, and you alone know what you need to keep yourself safe and heal from all of the damage that years of trauma have caused. You deserve to cut yourself some slack and treat yourself kindly through this, even though you're with someone who does not. From what you've described, your mother, even though she might appear to, does not seem to have your best interest at heart. I'd suggest creating and maintaining a certain emotional distance from her and setting boundaries for yourself. I'd also suggest looking for other options to be able to be more independent financially, but I'd like to stress the importance of taking it slow and taking care of yourself above all. Even though you might want to leave or get a job to be more financially independent, I'd advise you not to rush into it straight away.

For now, I'd suggest to maybe work on setting boundaries with your mother (something you could work on with your therapist), and maintain your close friendships with people you trust (who support and validate your needs). Take care of yourself through this and be kind to yourself, you've been through so much already. And only when you're ready, maybe you can start exploring different options as to gain more independence financially speaking. I don't know if this helps at all. I can imagine that this is a really difficult situation, and it's really awful to have to be with someone who invalidates you, especially after all the traumas you've been through. Setting boundaries and practicing self-care are hard things to do, especially in such a re-traumatizing environment.  Thank you for writing this, I appreciate your strength through all of this.
I'm sending you a big hug!   

I hope this helps a little, you are not alone in this, we're here to support you!

[LanaBanana]

I am so happy you seem to have a strong support system, it definitely helps! 
And that opportunity you got for work is great! I hope it turns out to be a good environment for you!
It still can be hard to deal with new challenges though, so be sure to practice good self-care and try not to take on too much responsibility. 

The idea that you had about mirroring is actually really great, I think I might use that with my mother too. It seems like a great way to put some emotional distance between you and your mother (and sister too). It's still really sad that your mother invalidates your experiences, and I know what you mean about realizing how messed up your whole family is, mine is very similar, it's sad and infuriating at the same time (or so I find). I am happy though that you are taking the initiative to break free from that toxic pattern, it takes a lot of courage and hard painful work. Congrats! 

Finding a healthy support network who can see you for who you truly are and respect your needs and boundaries is so great though, I am really happy for you!  You deserve to be with people who don't invalidate your experiences and who recognize the strong and awesome person you are. No matter what your mother or sister (or anyone who is abusive in your life) tells you, you are a wonderful person and you deserve all the time and patience you need in order to heal. 

I hope that posting on this forum allows you to make sense of your pain and brings you the support you need!