healingjourney journal

[healingjourney]

I'm having a good day. I have been working out like crazy lately and enjoying nature. It's calming being away from stress. I grew up in a family with a uNPD father who abused drugs and a bipolar mom who slept all day. Both are deceased. I was raised to be the golden child; that has been a lot of stress. I have accomplished a lot in my life, but the stress has not subsided. I just went LC three weeks ago with my only sibling, a NPD sister, who is doing her best to hoover me. Her husband just sent me nasty messages as her errand boy and I hardly know the guy. I have to be involved with her a little bit for reasons I won't get into and she already is trying to control the dynamics of those exchanges. I finally see the light. There is no winning that can come from being in her life- she will take and take and take. It is amazing how many people she finds herself who will let her take from them. I have cPTSD and OCD and often times my OCD can suck me into a spiral that my CPTSD just exascerbates. If I can stay away from stress I can really understand how much I have to be grateful for and look for those relationships where there is an even give and take. I recently bought a book about boundaries and I'm enjoying reading about how to be a healthier, more honest person. I hope that by practicing a healthier lifestyle, I will attract the sort of peers, friends, business associates, and loved ones I deserve to be around.

[Chartery]

fully relate healingjourney.  Even though it took me to first to realize my wife was NPD and then my mother, it took many more years for me to see the toxicity of some of my closest relationships including siblings.  Happy for you having a good day - much deserved.

[Three Roses]

Good days are awesome! So happy you're having one.

Just a thought: if your sis can have an errand boy, why can't you have a stand in? I am NC with my sibling and there's no way I would change that. My sanity and peace of mind are hard enough to maintain! 

[healingjourney]

fully relate healingjourney.  Even though it took me to first to realize my wife was NPD and then my mother, it took many more years for me to see the toxicity of some of my closest relationships including siblings.  Happy for you having a good day - much deserved.

Thanks for your recognition, Chartery. It does feel like no matter how much you give it's never enough. And the second the faucet turns off briefly you're chastised. God forbid you ask to have any of your needs met. Game over, haha. I think I'll enjoy the time away from sis.

[healingjourney]

Good days are awesome! So happy you're having one.

Just a thought: if your sis can have an errand boy, why can't you have a stand in? I am NC with my sibling and there's no way I would change that. My sanity and peace of mind are hard enough to maintain! 

Thanks Three Roses. Haha, I can have a stand in. I  know I'm damaged, but I honestly can't think of one think she could say to me that would make me revisit having a relationship with her again. I see through her soul now and there isn't a lot that's pretty.

[healingjourney]

I had another productive day out in nature today, I've worked out 5 days this week. I'm doing everything I can for my mental health and still it seems like something is missing in me. I don't know how to get respect in relationships with others. My ex sent me a message that really irked me. I try to be the most loving person and still people can misconstrue your words in the most negative way imaginable. I am working on this boundary thing and I told her that I'm not going to tolerate her treating me this way. I'd rather have close friends than 10 fake friends and hostile people in my life. I am like a sponge for negative people and want to win them over. Lately relationships have been so confusing to me. I'm assessing whether I'm being manipulated in each relationship I'm involved in. It's super weird to do this and a little much. It's maybe a little unfair to change your expectations in your relationships overnight but I am working towards healthier balanced relationships. It is helping that I am building my own self esteem and this insulates me from feelings of loneliness that I might otherwise have suffered unbearably as my former self. I can stand up for myself in my relationships and let the cards lie where they must. Still- I am admittedly hurt at my ex being openly mean to me when I've always tried to be good towards her and still cared about her as a friend. Friends no more...maybe it's better this way. I like to know where I stand and by standing up for myself I just avoided any further drama I guess.

[Three Roses]

Bravo! 

When we stand for ourselves, we are re teaching ourselves what we should tolerate in terms of treatment. You are standing tall and not backing down (insert Tom Petty song here), creating new ways of thinking and believing what you do and do not deserve.

To return meanness to a person who has only tried to be good to you... well, that's just unacceptable.

[healingjourney]

Today I quit therapy. I was tired of being blamed for everything. I felt like I was becoming a depressed, torn down victim. My friends didn't recognize me any more. My self esteem was being shredded and when I asked for it to stop I just got constant push back from the therapist. It's a little scary to go down this road alone but I have survived tougher things. Maybe I will reconsider another therapist.

[Three Roses]

Pete Walker has some info on his website regarding something he calls "co-counseling";

http://pete-walker.com/coCounseling.htm

There's also a link to "Finding a therapist" (far left, towards the bottom).

I've been listening to a book on YouTube, "The Body Keeps The Score", and I recommend it. So validating, so much useful information.

https://youtu.be/Q9Nlrtq4mi4

Hang in there! 

[healingjourney]

Three Roses- thanks for your always insightful messages

[healingjourney]

5 positive affirmations from yesterday
I am extremely practical
I don't give in to peer pressure/am independent
I am reliable
I give people hope
I am fit

[healingjourney]

I have been spending time around people a lot more than usual lately and I'm finding the experience very triggering for me. I noticed that I get uncomfortable in groups larger than 5 where there is a lot of different conversations going on and people start to make group decisions for others. I noticed that a lot of bullying takes place in these situations. Everyone thinks that making fun of others is the way to pass time. I noticed that I have never liked this form of hanging out but that it is classic behavior among groups of social people. For me, time spent with groups of 1-3 people is much more desirable. As much as I'm trying to get used to socializing again, I just honestly value more intimate relationships with close friends who understand me and my particular uniqueness. I'm sure some people would argue this makes me anti-social, but I just don't feel very trusting around people who present surface level friendship. I also noticed that some people will really cross boundaries quickly. These people seem like the ones who will friend you when it's convenient for them and disappear just as quickly. I hope that my work on boundary setting comes in handy in these situations. I already carry an attitude in my affairs much like "this is not your business it's mine." When you can hold tight to your principles and hold that attitude unemotionally I think it is very hard to erode one's defenses. People may look at you strangely but they will know that no means no. I find it so hard to go along with group think on things. When I feel like someone is trying to make me go along I resist even harder. I'm sure it's a trigger of some sort for me.

[Danaus plexippus]

I agree there. When the conversation devolves to bad mouthing others it occurs to me "What the * do they say about me when I'm not there?" and I split. My best conversations are with small groups of people that have a few things in common. We don't have to agree on everything, but a bit of common ground at least gives you a comfortable space to stand. Large groups get on my nerves especially if they are bigoted, ignorant, insulting, loudmouth, gossips. I just leave. My Sister-in-law calls me a hermit. I see people every day, I just don't hang with the in-laws every day.     

[healingjourney]

D.P.,

I find it almost automatic that a group of 5 or more will devolve into loudmouthed, ignorant and gossipy folks. The worst is when group-think comes into play. I'm sorry the American population is reduced to idiotic zombies as soon as an opinionated bully presents his case. It's like adults haven't graduated past high school level of juvenile social behavior. It's pathetic.

[healingjourney]

5 positive affirmations:
I'm incredibly patient
I'm very articulate
I made some good jokes today
I'm helpful-charitable
I possess incredible perseverance