Dumping self absorbed, uncaring friends.

[Contessa]

Sienna

Like you, i dont want to be alone either. I do think that to survive in this world, you have go be cold. maybe thats incorrect and thats a damaged part of me talking.

Yes. Did that for just a little while. And yes it was because of the damage. Looking back, strangely, it was good. I could not feel hurt. I was hurting others with my coldness. I could make decisions without the agony of overthought, or worry about who else was involved. I just served myself. It was not revenge, it was a coping mechanism. It was good. But I was a cold hearted b*%ch, the complete opposite of the old (or the 'dead' me). If something/someone annoyed me, instead of getting upset and hurt, or stewing over what was said or done, I would openly and immediately respond with what was on my mind. And it was said without care, intelligence, or censure. There, over and done with in less than a minute. On to the next thing. It was great. For me. For my head.

There was no crying. No time for anger to boil up. I guess it was an extreme insight into how some others I know function. I ruffled the feathers. I dropped people. I told them what I really thought of them. And I didn't care what they thought of me. It was fantastic.

Thanks heaven's that's out of my system, but learned some good things from it

[Sienna]

Hey Radical

I think that if i want to, if it comes to that, i will make a transition when I'm ready.
I cant do the friendship thing. maybe with one. but the others are a lot older.
And one i am friends with, it may just me me, but I'm not sure she really cares.
And i tell everyone I'm fine all the time, as i thin thats what they want to hear.

I do have a place who can help me find places. went there before but had no luck as the companies- i might as well look for and connect myself - all the other place did was find places for me and i can do that myself. thanks for the suggestion.
I'm too anxious to do that.
One time, i couldnt even attend the appointment. I was overcome with anxiety and shame and the inner critic.
i thought they'd think of me in the same way that my mother does and i couldnt make myself leave the house.
I like the idea of gradually leaving to make it easier.

I feel that the only way I'm being harmed is by my own anxiety and fear of X.
If i can get past that, it might be ok. his comments may stop but my attempts to make them stop are me hiding in rooms / toilet and avoiding him.

i would never be alone in a room with him.
he wont physically hurt me I'm sure.
i guess i feel that it is my own anxiety, so it would be me  making me leave if i left.
i really appreciate your support and caring .

[Sienna]

Contessa, by cold, i meant, not hurting others, though it is tempting.
i have just never cared for others in the way that i think most do.
i dont have connections with them, but i havent had proper friends ever who see me etc. they are self absorbed so i cant connect anyway. My T says that that makes sense because of my own inability to be authentic, and due to people in my life being...self absorbed etc.
i just mean, cold so that i dont feel i need others. i know this is unreasonable but i dont know any other way for the time being as i am alone.

I understand what you are saying. and it makes sense. it probably  was a coping mechanism.
I wouldn't want to hurt others, but sometimes i couldn't care less out of anger.

[Contessa]

Gosh I see I gave an impression of being overly destructive. I never set out to hurt anyone, and have never been tempted to do it. Just probably did sometimes. By my standards. I didn't give to people, and didn't give in to them. I did things for me, and not them. I took where it was offered. It was all about me. Became outspoken by saying exactly what I thought. It would have been a hit in the face of others. I became a bit d*cky and people would tell me so. (Oh and yes, stayed well away from school at this time!). In short, went from from Yin to Yang.

I understand your meaning of 'cold'; but we would probably enact it differently. I think my behaviour was an overt expression of showing that I didn't need others. I was highly traumatised at the time; the old me would have been appalled at any thought of that.

I suppose, it could have been this. I used to change my behaviour and ignore what I was feeling to avoid an argument. But ultimately I was the one who suffered. So instead I didn't avoid the argument. Thought, "rightio I'm saying my point of view and if tempers flare, i'm not backing down". This was usually with the extremely self absorbed people so tempers often flared, ha. Just thinking out loud. Got that out of my system though, quickly. Sigh. Definitely an unhealthy coping mechanism. But a good learning curve. Good grief. Still have to figure out the final meaning of this. There was nothing good about it at all! Hmmm... sounds very destructive actually.

I know I said it was fantastic, and the detachment was at the time. Glad that's behind me. Time to move on from this nasty topic... back to you Sienna, got to stop hijacking your threads with my waffle

[Contessa]

Maybe its best not to read too much into the above post, I think a can of worms has been opened there.

Sienna... I think you're saving me money on therapy!

[Sienna]

Hey Contessa, I'm sorry if my message seemed a little abrupt.
i did not mean at all that you sound like a terrible person!
And if I'm digging to much or anything like that, just let me know- you said about not needing therapy cos of me...

I know you never set out to hurt anyone. I meant, that sometimes, i couldn't care if i hurt others.
And i never cared about my narc X's feelings sometimes- i guess i was struggling with my own and sometimes was swamped and os angry. I would go cold on him and be silent. He said i was giving him the silent treatment, which is probably correct.
at times i just hated him and wanted nothing to do with him.

It sounds like you maybe were trying to be there for yourself? I have heard that with boundaries, when some start getting them, they can swing from one extreme to the other- from having none to being overly boundaried until there is a balance.

. I became a bit d*cky and people would tell me so. (Oh and yes, stayed well away from school at this time!). In short, went from from Yin to Yang.

I understand your meaning of 'cold'; but we would probably enact it differently. I think my behaviour was an overt expression of showing that I didn't need others. I was highly traumatised at the time; the old me would have been appalled at any thought of that.
Yes, i understand this. I think that i would only say what i think to others etc. in anger and wouldn't be able to keep it up.
I think i would isolate even with people around, like a lone island.

Oh man. How i wish i could say what i want to those self absorbed others.
I worry ill feel powerless and that id have to back down, because they'd win. or that id look like the crazy one for getting angry. I think id rage and loose it.
Yes, I'm glad you got it out of your system too. I want to do the anger thing - i bought a punch bag not long ago.

Ah, no need to worry about hijacking my threads! i like your input a lot.

[Contessa]

And I like yours a lot too Sienna

Anything that gets the brain whirring again. You've helped me get a few steps closer to figuring out what was happining in myself... you'll save me a few dollars at the psychologists office

Yeah. I don't want to weigh in any more because its a ramble at the moment. I should write all of this down in my journal. Its good stuff.

You're right. I was trying to be there for me after my boundaries were repeatedly breached. Good idea about the punching bag, perhaps I should have gone for that option. But I will admit, one punching bag was not enough for the anger I had.

Might go silent for a bit to let this consolidate. You're awesome Sienna xo

Is the punching bag working?

[Sienna]

Hey Contessa,

haha, i might not be right. But if it resonates, maybe. If not the full piece of the puzzle (which it might be!), maybe its half.
Did you write in your journal? If so, was it helpful?

I agree. My punching bag is not enough for the anger i have. I like to smash things and throw things. I have never let my anger out when i have felt it - the rage. But the times i tried and the times it happened accidentally and i just blew around my X, I just disassociated.
I do feel that the rage is just so huge that it would kill me, and that it would destroy everything around me.

If i get my own place to live, i dont know what to do abut smashing china. What if i mess the place up and i cant fix it? i dont know how to out let anger.

I dont have the punching bag at the moment. Im in a refuge and the bag is at my X's still.
I hope to get it back.
ps. it did help when i used it. I am one of those people who have to scream etc.- be verbal- to out let anger. Hitting stuff isn't enough, so that along with punching helped, the rare times i could express what i felt.

Hope you are ok Contessa 

[Contessa]

Was going to ask you about screaming and then I saw you wrote it. Screaming seems like a good outlet... possibly into a pillow so as not to wake the neighbours, ha! Punching the pillow also will save money on crockery, perfect.

But seriously, anger is such a beast, its a horrible feeling and needs release. There also needs to be a way to prevent it building up so much, it only brings destruction.

No I didn't get around to writing in the journal. Possibly because I already wrote it all here. Worth documenting though.

Thanks Sienna, i'm going well at the moment, thanks for asking. You've had a rough few days, are things starting to settle down?

[Sienna]

Hey Contessa, your here!

There also needs to be a way to prevent it building up so much, it only brings destruction.
Absolutely!

Maybe, if you felt like it, you could copy and paste, or print a copy of what you wrote on here, if you are able to do that, into your journal? I dont know if your journal is more for creative, spur or the moment / in the moment, expression however.

Im glad you are doing well.
Aw. Thanks for asking, you seem like such a caring person.
Things have been ok since Monday. Yesterday was stressful. I wrote about it on another thread of mine...I think in reply to you. It was a bit of a big rant.    There is no outlet for any of this stuff. I think that i was derealised yesterday and feel a bit tired and foggy today.
I hope that this weekend is more peaceful and less stressful. Im just tense and stressed all the time, and i cant wait till the day it lets up and i can start relaxing the best i can again. I really appreciate you remembering and asking.
Hugs to you Contessa 

[Contessa]

Thanks for the suggestion Sienna. Have done just that, printed out a copy of my posts. Will be handy to look back on later as time progresses. At the moment I just write in it, but who knows what it can evolve into. Whatever needs to be expressed at the time. Right now I'm going to write a letter in it.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend as well Sienna. Thank you for the compliment, its a good trait for the right people.
Take care and check in later! 

[Sienna]

No worries Contessa...oh thats so cool!
I like the forum because, like how others do recovery journals, for me, if it doesnt seem too self obsessed or anything that other people might think...it does hep me to look back and to remmed er.
I have a huge problem with remembering and there are many chunks of my life i do not remember.
I think that maybe, getting a large A4 size book and printing out all the stuff i wrote..it can be like a bible of recovery - or evidence.
Dowt know about you...but after the feelings and stress have passed, and my memory of how it felt and what happened during a certain time is blurry - i invalidate what happened, i think that it wasnt that serious, that it wasnt that bad-
but recording things somehow, verify to me later on, how things really are and i can remember more of what it was actually like.

What compliment did i give you? Whats a good trait? Whatever i said- you are welcome!
Thanks a lot. I hope you have a peaceful weekend too.
Take care too Contessa 

[Danaus plexippus]

Writing things down helps me stay no contact, because I tend to put bad thoughts out of my mind. This makes life sweeter for the most part, but leaves me vulnerable to hoovering. That's where journaling comes in handy. Journaling frees us from ruminating on the pain of the past or at least, it should.

[Contessa]

You hit the nail on the head Danaus. Its a good self preservation measure and a good memory jog for what really happened.

Sienna, great idea. There are no rules to journaling, it is whatever and whenever needed just for you. And it is definitely important to validate. I sometimes invalidate myself but looking back on my feelings -they are real and they were felt for a very good reason. Must listen to it. Let me know how it goes!

The compliment was being a caring person. I have been a caring person for a long time, so its nice to see it coming back. Hopefully with some good boundaries too.

[Contessa]

Oops, I meant "haven't" been a caring person... apologies