How do you adult when your brain and body won't cooperate?

[Tewaz]

Hello all!
This is one of the main reasons I started looking for information on C-PTSD, which led me to this site.
This is going to be long. I apologize in advance.

I was a straight A evolutionary biology/speech, language, and hearing science double major when I started experiencing nervous depletion in my senior year. Turns out, when you have untreated C-PTSD, your entire nervous system starts shutting down. It took 20 years for it to start, but once it did, it only took about 6 months for me to completely shut down. Digestion becomes a problem, sleep cycles break down, language centers stop working your brain, social systems stop working.
I had just completed my research for a very exclusive undergrad research program (only 2 people were accepted each year), the University had sent me to Puerto Rico to present my work, and I was preparing to publish.

I was very nearly unresponsive for about two years. I couldn't process the world around me. My family and friends all disappeared, claiming they thought I "needed space."
The only reason I didn't end up homeless and unable to even communicate at all was my wonderful partner of 14 years. He didn't encourage me, or pick me up and brush me off, or offer sympathy, nothing. But he stayed, and he supported me financially. He didn't let me fall, he never complained. He just quietly stayed by my side.

Now that I'm becoming more able to interact with the world, I can get out my front door with only a relatively little anxiety. I started a new job in January. They love me there. It's a smoke shop, entry level position, minimum wage, just three days a week. I'm great with the customers. I make their days better, get their brains producing oxytocin. That makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something again. I'm not answering any pressing scientific questions about the world. I'm not unlocking the secret of coevolving communication between humans and domestic canines. I'm not building complex mathematical models of animal migration in response to climate change.
But I'm changing people's day, bringing light, and maybe changing the way they see the world and themselves just a little bit.

My boss is very encouraging. She says I'm the best employee she's ever had, that she and everyone else adores me.
Strangely, here's where the problem lies. Every day feels a bit like Russian Roulette. Each person that comes in the store represents the possibility for a negative interaction that will start my heart racing, my hands shaking, my gut churning,  and a fog moves into my brain. Not just a just woke up and haven't had coffee fog, but a full on terror, I can't form coherent thoughts kind of fog, and it will last until I can stop everything, turn my focus inward, and spend a good 20-30 minutes just focusing on breathing. I don't usually get that opportunity at work. This is when I make mistakes. I ring someone up wrong, make change wrong, sell the wrong product, have to ask someone to repeat themselves over and over again.
My boss is trying so hard to help me, but she doesn't understand it at all. She tells me to just take a deep breath and slow down, that I don't have to rush no matter how many people are there or how much of a hurry they're in. What's important is that I serve them well, not quickly.
But, she says, we do have to find a solution to the mistakes I'm making.
How lucky I am to have a boss who is so encouraging and willing to work with me.
But I'm in constant terror that if I can't fix this, her patience will eventually run out.

I think maybe I've taken on too much, too soon. I can't go back to parasitizing my partner, can't go back to staring at a wall all day. I have to find a way to be a responsible adult again.
I feel trapped and I don't know what to do. I should be able to do this job in my sleep.
I'm getting nothing done on the house or yard, because the four days I'm not working I shut off completely, and if I try to do anything on those days, my anxiety skyrockets and virtually guarantees a very painful day at work, with mistakes and fog and me near tears.
How do I be an adult right now, when my body and brain feel like a child taking on way more than I know how to deal with?

[The Moon Hare]

"How do I be an adult right now, when my body and brain feel like a child taking on way more than I know how to deal with?"

I understand all too well when one feels like a child. Is it worth it telling your boss that sometimes you don't feel so great without revealing the problem

Do you talk with your inner kids, I do often and I find it helps  as sometimes I can find out what they are thinking and feeling. Not sure if this will help you but it helps me. I so love communication as one can learn so much from another. It sounds like your kids are overwhelmed and that can make for unhappy times, not just for them but for you too.  I get overwhelmed on a regular basis and I am trying to teach my kids some simple boundaries.

In my head we all live in a BIG house where everyone has a room where they can be on their own if they wish. I have a large room in the middle of the  house that is mine and I am teaching them, albeit slowly that when my door is shut that means I want/need peace and quiet. If they really need me they may ask if they can come see me.

I wish you all the best, i know it's not easy.

[Tewaz]

Thank you so much Moon Hare!
I have worked on that some as a part of my treatments. Primarily learning to have compassion for myself, learning the functional roles of various aspects of myself, the hurt child, the protector, the all too misunderstood anxiety/excitement, etc...
I'm finding that, as I learn to really look at why I've developed these aspects, that each one of them is trying to protect, heal, help, even if it seems like they're causing me harm, it definitely brings relief!

[Three Roses]

I don't want to adult, please don't make me adult! 

After reading walker's book on cptsd, I came up with a little mantra for when my heart starts skipping like a stone and my breath gets jagged... I may have even stolen it from Mr pete... I repeat this to myself until I'm calm, either silently or out loud -

"I am safe, no one here wants to hurt me, I am accepted for who I am." If I need to, I imagine being able to take that scared little child onto my lap and quietly comforting her.

Hang in there 

[The Moon Hare]

Compassion is a great thing to have and I am learning to take care of myself and LOVE myself, the whole of me.

I can get very anxious and depressed at times but I use natural supplements that have helped more then anything from any Dr.  I don't like see like seeing Dr's as I hate feeling invaded .....  I also practice gratefulness as it can be too easy to forget the good things in life and that can help me a lot too.

Our kids took what we couldn't , so yes I believe they take care of me as I do them.

Sometimes they get pesky as they don't understand my husband very well, he is ASD, so him and my kids can have blow ups, but I know  that they are looking after me as I do them

The more in touch I get with them more I learn from them.

[The Moon Hare]

Three Roses I often give my kids hugs, I see them sitting on my lap and I wrap my arms around me  and I tell them how much I love them. It helps me and them as love is a wonderful giving thing 

I never had children as the abuse affected me badly, making me believe that I would do bad things to any child of mine.....

[Contessa]

Tewaz, what an amazing story. Sounds like you have a wonderful partner and boss, makes those difficult things just a little bit easier.
Right now i'm not adulting either. Had to pull out of my masters (again) recently. Such a hit, and like you alluded to, when you're a hard working high performer as well.

Really hoping to return to uni next year, but it scares me that I will never be able to cope.

[Tewaz]

Thanks Contessa!

I totally understand that fear. I definitely won't be back by next year. I've been undergoing treatment for two years so far. Progress is so slow. I'm afraid my credits will expire before I'm able to go back.
Hang in there! We'll make it through!

[Contessa]

Thats a bumma Tewaz, but I like the positive enthusiasm. Yeah we will get there.