K Journal

[K92]

Anyone ever feel like lighting one of those lanterns that float up into the sky? I kind of want to light one of those and kind of let little me be free. Or maybe the sadness. I don't know, I just feel like ritualizing the healing might make it more real, I guess. Kind of forcing my emotional self to participate in the physical world.

I think I'm probably going to spare most of the details of my life in favor of using this as a place to communicate with and hopefully support others on the same journey. This is hard. Ive been formally diagnosed with PTSD for about eight years but have only now really accepted that diagnosis as a reality that severely affects my quality of life. Drawing inside myself is not normal. Shaking and throwing up at 2 am is not normal. Being scared of success, comfort, peace, and having nice things is not normal. And I deserve to be "normal". When I was little they'd tell us we could be anything we wanted and all I've ever wanted is to have a beautifully regular life. A little house with a little garden, giggling children, books, flowers, and no yelling. And lots of dogs

I feel so relieved and heartened knowing there are people out there like me. It's such a comfort to know I'm not actually an alien on this earth, this is indeed part of the human experience, and I am not "broken". I'm sad, and I'm hurt, but I'm not defective. I'm in defense mode. And I should be! We can't be expected to let everything in life roll off our backs without taking any emotional hits.
It's 3 am and it's raining and my dog is on my belly and Ive just found this cyber microcosm in which humans help each other to heal from emotional trauma and I am feeling so immensely thankful. It's such a beautiful world we live in and all I want is to be able to truly know and feel that every day.

[arpy1]

hey K92. sending you a 

and yes, for me, little rituals do help. it is powerful somehow to do a small action that i have invested with my own partic meaning. 

nice to meet you here. 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome K92! I'm kinda newish here too, I remember feeling like I'd finally found somewhere I didn't feel like such a freak! I could say what I've been thru (altho I haven't yet ) and no one would try to shut me up because they're uncomfortable! I don't have to take care of anyone's feelings but my own.

I'm sorry you've been getting sick. We are not broken, we are not defective. This is not an unbeatable illness or something we were born with - it was inflicted on us.

Welcome! So glad to have met you