Self sabotaging potential relationships :(

[samantha19]

Found myself talking to a boy who I quite liked and who really seemed to like me. As is becoming a pattern in my life, I stopped texting him back, because I was so ill with the anxiety I could barely even function or attend work. I wasn't washing or doing anything and my mental health has been severely bad this week. I kind of had to stop texting because I was getting so stressed out but it's making me sad

My last relationship was severely controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive. Also somewhat physically / sexually abusive. Now any male romantic interests could be a threat: anxiety reason number 1.
I have always had social anxiety, of course, and kind of hate myself and feel like an awkward weirdo a good deal of the time: anxiety reason number 2.
I get anxiety and depression about my anxiety and depressions effect on my life which creates an endless cycle of pain as I try to be normal and continue communication, but get basked in shame and retreat, it's an awful cycle: anxiety reason no 3.

I hate doing this to myself and I feel guilty for probably letting someone down who might think it's them that has done something wrong.
I don't want to be alone like this and it's sad when your life becomes a pattern of breaking your own * heart.
I'm being a tad dramatic I guess, like I didn't know this guy that well but I did quite like him
I wish it wasn't weird to just text someone days or a week later but I feel anxious and weird to do that. Is that a weird thing to do? I guess I'm scared of it becoming clear that Im not "normal". I feel like I don't know how to be "normal", as well as being physically unable to be at times as my body literally cannot handle the fear that I cannot control.

I may be more venting than looking for adivce. I just wish my life wasn't like this because I'm only 19, I should be enjoying life and talking to boys who I like when the opportunity arises but I self sabotage every time and it really * hurts

[samantha19]

Since writing this I had a good cry which was such a relief and broke me out of an intense emotional flashback.
I never realised how detached from my own body I had been, I felt like I was in the room for the first time, actually aware of my surroundings. Weird, I was obviously really dissociated.
I'm feeling healthier, more motivated and self-loving.
Connecting with myself, feeling my emotions and moving on is most important for me right now.
I'll get better at dealing with boys again.
Maybe I'll talk to him again, maybe I won't. That's not what matters really, right now.
I overwhelmed myself this week, moved too fast all at once and I wasn't allowing myself time to stop and / or feel pain. I wasn't allowing myself space to be mentally struggling, I wanted to just be "normal".
This was at work as well as with this guy and with everyone else. I was socialising a lot more at work but I was really stressing myself out with it, trying to keep it up, not allowing myself to give in to the flashback that came which wasn't very healthy yano. I also done a presentation in front of 12 people and my mind went blank twice during it so I had to apologise. I was widely praised for my talk but honestly I think all this pushing myself overwhelmed me and pushed me off the edge.
I need to accept myself more as I am, and take things much s l o w e r. I'm going to keep working on that.
And maybe get less attached to pretty boys who I share things in common with and who pay me attention. Cry cry.

[radical]

I've been there! 

You can still respond without it being a big deal..  You could text something like: Sorry I went offline for a while.  Not about you - I was ill.  And maybe some light comment.

[Chartery]

Hi Samantha19,

It's great that the good cry left you feeling more self loving.  From what I understand about this CPTSD stuff is that being self compassionate to what you do is crucial.  These things we do to cope with stuff are learned responses to protect ourselves from harm - and we learned them because we were harmed.

It's possible that your reluctance to further communication with the guy you were interested in is a self protecting mechanism you adopted to prevent anymore 'abandonment' down the road.  In simple terms, 'if you don't get involved, you won't be disappointed'....  If this is the case it's likely your subconscious (inner child) telling you that it doesn't want more trauma.

Just a thought - maybe way off and I apologize if that's the case.

[Contessa]

If not for Samantha19, it makes sense to me Chartery.

I'm sorry that this happened Samantha19. Been there too. If you do decide to contact him again as Radical suggests, let us know how you go! Not all is lost yet xo

[samantha19]

Thank you both for your replies.

Yeah there definitely is a relation to fear of abandonment. I'm terrified of saying or doing something that seems wrong or weird because I can't deal with being rejected, because it makes me feel I AM shameful and flawed, my IC is correct.
I don't  want to text back even now because they could be like nah and not reply to me, and that would make me feel like an idiot. I don't like making the first move in any communication incase I am not wanted / rejected.
It's really affecting my life now but I can't always fight it. I tried fighting through it this week but I literally had a mental breakdown, because my IC was so strong. Looking back I didn't say anything wrong and the conversation was going really good like ?? It's so sad to realise you've acted on thoughts that weren't true again to iscolate yourself.
This is my entire life. It's so crap
If anything I'm more motivated to get therapy, even though it's dear and difficult to get on the NHS. I clearly rather need it, this is affecting my life so, so much.

Thanks Contessa as well, I will do! :-)

[Contessa]

Oh Samantha19 I feel so sad for what you are feeling. You are in no way an idiot for making a move, but as you say if this is causing a breakdown then maybe you are right in thinking of heading down the therapy road. I finally recognised the need for therapy recently with a major breakdown, but have clearly needed it for a few years. It it is doing the world of good.

I look forward to hearing about your progress whatever you decide to do.

[Sienna]

Hey Contessa,
Im so glad you were able to have a good cry.

I never realised how detached from my own body I had been, I felt like I was in the room for the first time, actually aware of my surroundings. Weird, I was obviously really dissociated.
Um yes. I need to pay more attention to this.

I understand Contessa, how things can build up- stressors, flashbacks, and then you end up reacting strongly to something..which you might not have normally repsonsed to at all, ...or might have needed to, feeling about it inside at least but ignoring it.

I just wanted to let you know, that i understand totally what you are saying about sabotaging relationships.
I have never physically left a relationship - only once out of anger but then went back...
but i emotionally leave and push the other person away.
After the let downs ive had recently from others (so basically my entire life),i think that i would have to leave relationships before people leave me, or ..i would not get involved with friends or guys to begin with.

Its understandable, you wanting him so bad, but feeling frustrated and further depressed because you are denying yourself what you want. You are denying your self happiness.
I think its very painful. How do we know others will be good to us?
How do we trust ourselves, our intuition?
Should we take a chance cos it might work out?
Im wondering if being angry at others in the world who have hurt and abandoned us, we end up taking it out on ourselves? Or maybe we passive-aggressivley take it out on the person we are into, as well?

I am sorry to hear about your past relationships. I had the same as you describe too.
Its no wonder you are cautious. And the anxiety- oh yes.
Pretending to be normal. I have been left due to my struggles too and shamed for them. So i also fear being vulnerable and not being *normal*.
We have to learn who wont abuse us and how to get out if so. Sure, all relationships might not work.

It is sad when life becomes a pattern of breaking your own heart.
I'm being a tad dramatic I guess, like I didn't know this guy that well but I did quite like him
Not at all. I liked this guy (may still like him who knows)...but i think he likes someone else.
he is also emotionally unavailable. And like you, i sat and had this huge cry, because i didnt think he liked me and i was angry and frustrated and i had this huge want.
I felt so lonely. and i thought i was being over dramatic, but its how my inner child felt.
And i was miserable about the fact that i would never be able to open up to him anyway if we had a relationship, i was certain he would leave me as people always do..and i cried abut the fact that i just dont know how to have healthy relationships.
I cried about the fact that *i aways mess them up*...that could have been the inner critic at the time. I cried about the fact that others just use me and dump me when they've had enough and about the fact that know one ever actually wants me, so they always leave.
Guys i like, never like me back.

I think there is a reason why you feel how you feel.
Wanting things, and thinking you cant have them- must create a lot of inner conflict and turmoil.
It does in me.
Then i end up disassociating and not wanting for a while. It ebbs and flows and right now, i feel nothing for this guy.
Oh my gosh. i just realised, that its that thing- if my mother doesnt want me- then i dont want her. stuff her! i do this with everyone.
so maybe i am repeating patterns still.

I may be more venting than looking for adivce. I just wish my life wasn't like this because I'm only 19, I should be enjoying life and talking to boys who I like when the opportunity arises but I self sabotage every time and it really * hurts
Its ok. (venting).
I dont know yet how to fix this. And you are totally right, you are only 19 and should not have to be going through this. Its not your fault. You were very hurt by others and your response, its your self protective response for now.
If any guy does not appreciate or is not patient with that, then they are not worth it.

Huge hugs to you. 

[Contessa]

Hey Sienna, even though yours is a reply to Samantha19's post, It applies to me very much also. Its like you're writing down all of my thoughts.

[Sienna]

Omg Contessa!
Thats amazing, though it does sadden me. Its comforting that you can relate. Hugs: 

[samantha19]

Thank you Sienna. I completely get what you are saying and it's really nice and validating to hear all of that 

I am sorry you have been dealing with something so similar but I congratulate you on realising it and I wish you all the best in healing from this.

As for my progress: I text the guy back eventually. I lied that my phone has been broken, I am not usually one to tell lies and it is not something I plan to keep up but my friend who I opened up to advised me to say this and kept on at me to just send it because what does it matter if he's lost interest and at least I'll have tried and at least I'll know. She was telling me this in a supportive way though, she means well and is a good friend to have. She was encouraging me to beat my anxiety, and I guess I took her advised excuse because it was less stressful than picking my own 
Eventually, I did send it and my depression has lifted quite largely as I feel more in control of my own life again today. It's nice when life is free and unpredictable and not locked in, boxed in, because of this angry, scared thing inside your mind.
I'm glad I eventually done it because I dont think I had any other option. It was making me miserable as * not to, because I felt like I was sabotaging my own life over something so small, something so silly.
I'm not inner critic free over this, but when it comes I'm trying to challenge it sometimes or just let it pass in a mindful way.
I am having all my little worries like "maybe I never done enough to continue the conversation?" "Maybe Im a total weirdo" etc. Honestly the worries are limitless if I want to listen and give into them, but I ain't going down that road today.
I'm trying to feel my actual feelings more too, instead of obsessively avoiding them. I realise that external avoidant behaviours are also a way of avoiding feelings. But it doesn't work, does it? Because you just end up feeling all of them and more, anyway.
I am hoping to keep beating avoidance until it becomes less or null of an issue for me.
This week has also motivated me to take my online social anxiety therapy course more seriously again.
I want to beat this and I can and I will with continual practice.
I'm already getting there. I've made massive progress.

I am sad if this doesn't work in a way, because I so want to be in love, I get easily attached, can you tell? Maybe a slightly co dependent thing, or maybe just a side effect of being human.

I wish all of you the best in your healing journeys  we can do this!
Thank you all for your kindness and time, it really does help! :-)

[Contessa]

Yay! So proud of you Samantha19 

I hate lying too but in cases like this, they are fine in my book Your friend has good advice.

I know what you mean about it being sad if it doesn't work. With certain guys I get like that too. But no matter what happens it is a milestone overcome.

[Sienna]

Samantha19, im so glad that you feel validated.
I am sorry you have been dealing with something so similar but I congratulate you on realising it and I wish you all the best in healing from this.
Aw, thank you very much! Same goes to you too.

Well, i think its ok that you lied. In time, you may find your own ways of dealing with this.
He may very much be interested so this isn't me saying he isnt-
but-
say, If he wasnt interested to begin with, you have showed little interest by not texting back...but-
he may think you were interested, because you said to him that your phone broke, and truth is, is that you were / are interested in him.
So either way, you didnt look too eager, and you didnt seem too distant as you wrote, what could be a genuine reason for your lack of contact.

I am having all my little worries like "maybe I never done enough to continue the conversation?" "Maybe Im a total weirdo" etc. Honestly the worries are limitless if I want to listen and give into them, but I ain't going down that road today.
My god, i have this too! all these worries and thoughts!
If he is interested, he would want the conversation to carry on too, and he should continue it.
but problem is is when both of you are shy- if he is shy he might not.
Which is about him being nervous, not about that the doesnt like you.
Im not saying your shy..just a word i used for being unsure.
I think, that by you texting him back to say that your phone broke- that is doing something to continue the conversation. It is saying to him that you wanted to get in contact, but that you couldn't because of your broken phone
(and that resembles the truth, only its due to your worries and your Cptsd, do you mind me saying that? only you feel you can't tell him that at the moment)

I'm trying to feel my actual feelings more too, instead of obsessively avoiding them. I realise that external avoidant behaviours are also a way of avoiding feelings. But it doesn't work, does it? [/color
How do you mean by *external avoidant behaviours?* Do you mean being avoidant with others? Therefore avoiding in a way that is directed at the person in the outside world?

The course- that sounds great! I hope it helps you.
Do you mind if i ask you if you are seeing a therapist?

I am sad if this doesn't work in a way, because I so want to be in love, I get easily attached, can you tell? Maybe a slightly co dependent thing, or maybe just a side effect of being human.
Haha, you sound a lot like me. Avoidant. Wanting to be loved and to love another.
The holes left from childhood...they can leave vat of emptiness inside that we want filled.
I dont know if its co-dependant. It could be, .. you will have to see if you think co-dependancey fits with you.
I think i may swing from Co to counter dependant. but i think I'm more counter dependant

Thank you for your kindness Samanta19. I think you should be so proud of yourself for trying to tackle all these challenges you have