Can't stop thinking about the douche

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Contessa

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Can't stop thinking about the douche
« on: June 25, 2016, 12:06:41 PM »
Hi all.

It seems to be the place for venting here so I think I might too. Just a bit worked up right now, and I know what I am going to say is entirely irrational. I'm not upset with myself, but upset that i'm torturing myself.

Went out with some mates last night and had a fantastic time. In the course of the evening, I found out that the absolute douche (I hope this isn't considered swearing... I'm Australian so its almost a term of endearment here), that I was seeing a couple of months ago has broken it off with the girl he started to see essentially while were... well you know... hallmark narcy stuff.

Now I am very conscious about not putting myself down or blaming myself, but why can I not stop thinking about him? Why?? He was an absolute *many, many expletives deleted*. So why am I thinking about him? Why am I even entertaining the idea of contacting him?? Nothing good will come out of anything to do with him, so why am I doing this to myself?

Any thoughts/pearls of wisdom welcome  :'(

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Contessa

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2016, 12:09:11 PM »
Oh and let me know if I need to edit the spelling his understated 'pseudonym'

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Sienna

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2016, 04:37:13 PM »
Hey Contessa,

Im so sorry you are so frustrated.
I want you to know that its definitely not your fault and what you are saying is not at all irrational.
Vent away! This place is a great way to do it, with others who understand what you are going through.
Abusive relationships do this to people. They keep us addicted to the perpetrator.

I have experience with this, so i might be able to help.
Have you found that your emotional numbness towards him, and/or, your anger towards him, has disappeared or gone down in intensity?

I found that with the narc lady (wanted her to be my mum, she resembled my narc mother)...
when she left, i felt nothing. I was very disassociated for a long time.
As time went on...i wasnt mad with her anymore. I felt sad and wanted her back and wondered about connecting her. I was still numb and had not dealt with or expressed any feelings i had about her, anger etc.
I never grieved. And i still havent.
But i think that within time, because i never allowed myself to feel angry with her and what she did, my mind settled back into thinking all about *her*, and *how she must feel*, and that she must be a good person really.
She is...as we all are deep down, and benefit our trauma stuff that may make us act out in horrible ways that hurt others.
Only i realised after sometime, that even thought that may be true, i would not be able to access that side of her. The real her.
It was too late, and if she didnt want fixing or helping...thats it. i dont know how to fix her. Only a therapist and she would never go to see one.
Im just wondering if your experience has been at all similar.

What is sort of helping me..is realising, that i was always emotionally and sometimes physically, alone when i was with my narc. (x)
Just the fact that he is not physically around anymore feels like a huge abandonment. But i know i can do this alone (i hope), because i have been alone my entire life anyway.

Reasons we are still addicted to the narc:
.if we are used to relationships like this (with parents/caregivers etc.)...our brains think that that is normal.
.our bodies get used to pumping out stress hormones, so to still be producing hormones even after the stress has gone...our body doesn't know it is over. And our bodies produce stress hormones because it cant stop. - because it has always done that since being little. Just like trying to not blink or scratch your nose- you cant not.
.And also, with out the abuse...life can feel boring. We are so used to it.And maybe with out it, and with out another person to focus on, we would have to focus on ourselves, and that can be scary, and lonely.
For some, its like, yeah, I'm in an abusive relationships, but as long as i have tiny scraps of love, ill take them, as its better than nothing, and your still trying to fix a pattern of trying to get love. The chase, the work it takes, that is what love is to us- that is our template for love from an early age.
.Also, the memory of the narc in the beginning, can make us want them back, thinking that was the real them. (it was most likely an act)
.You may wish you were this new girl of his . If he dumped her, maybe you wish and hope that he wants you back, or maybe you wish that you could fix him so that he would regret using her like he used you. Maybe you want to stop him injuring others in the future?

Im still unsure about this myself, and it takes me a long time to get the addiction back to the narcs. Think i disassociated from her too much after she left. But with narc X who left, i just hate him and dont want to see him ever again.
Sometimes the anger is suppressed, so i wonder if i will ever feel addicted to him in the future as i work through this loss.

Heres a website link for you...if you dont mind googling..google might be able to explain it better than I can..theres losts of websites..this is just the first one:
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-it-means-to-be-addicted-to-a-narcissist-and-how-to-break-free-from-it/

ah , this one is great and what i was trying to explain about stress:
https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2015/04/27/your-brain-on-love-and-the-narcissist-the-addiction-to-bonding-with-our-abusers/

You have really got me thinking. Maybe i should just have given you the website links.

I reckon that a big part of it, is letting yourself feel that *want* you have inside for him, because maybe its a projection of the want your inner child had for your parents or caregivers- someone in your past.
Any feelings that come up, they most likely need to be felt and have been stuffed down for years.
I know this work is difficult. Im finding it difficult, but i can sit with some of the feelings.
I hope you know what i mean.

We are here for you  :bighug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2016, 04:40:18 PM »
Sometimes the boobytrap we're familiar with is better than the minefield we're not.

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Sienna

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2016, 05:06:27 PM »
Oh my gosh, absolutely Three Roses! I forgot about that!!

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Kizzie

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2016, 05:58:11 PM »
Keyword in "boobytrap" is "booby" (= douche).  It's a trap that then becomes a minefield because they don't change and we become caught in the N dance all over again, not knowing where to put a foot down until nowhere is safe. 

Somewhere a member posted about the neurobiology of getting caught up with N's, that relationships with them become a physical addiction of sorts. I know when I first started going LC with my FOO I was relieved but oddly bored too. I realized I missed the crisis, the excitement of all the gameplaying and emotion.  Crazy stuff but it was what I was used to and calm, stable and healthy were just not in my world view back then.

I don't know if that's part of what you may be feeling but just thought I'd share my thoughts and you can add them to what Sienna and Three Roses have said - hopefully some of it resonates  :hug:

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Contessa

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2016, 03:57:03 AM »
That is a lot of food for thought Kizzie, Three Roses and Sienna. Thank you. The information you have given is going to take a little while to ponder and process. The ideas that resonated immediately were:

Sienna
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Have you found that your emotional numbness towards him, and/or, your anger towards him, has disappeared or gone down in intensity?
Yes, it has reduced in intensity but still pops up occasionally. It is not unexpected with time going by, but I do have it in mind that with this reduction there is the possibility of 'forgetting' the abusiveness (for want of a better word), and remembering their 'good' points. For him there really weren't many. I was very angry with him during and after it ended. I cried a lot. When I think about him I do remember, and feel angry toward him now.

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I found that with the narc lady (wanted her to be my mum, she resembled my narc mother)...
when she left, i felt nothing. I was very disassociated for a long time.
As time went on...i wasnt mad with her anymore. I felt sad and wanted her back and wondered about connecting her. I was still numb and had not dealt with or expressed any feelings i had about her, anger etc.
I never grieved. And i still havent.
But i think that within time, because i never allowed myself to feel angry with her and what she did, my mind settled back into thinking all about *her*, and *how she must feel*, and that she must be a good person really.
She is...as we all are deep down, and benefit our trauma stuff that may make us act out in horrible ways that hurt others.
Only i realised after sometime, that even thought that may be true, i would not be able to access that side of her. The real her.
It was too late, and if she didnt want fixing or helping...thats it. i dont know how to fix her. Only a therapist and she would never go to see one.
Im just wondering if your experience has been at all similar.
This is what will require some thought. At first glance, not really. But maybe yes. Right now I do realise my thoughts and feelings toward 'loved ones' are not aligned. I know what abuse is, it is unacceptable in any form, and do speak up about it... but beyond here is where it gets all muddled.

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if we are used to relationships like this (with parents/caregivers etc.)...our brains think that that is normal
Yes. Absolutely true. My brain did think that way until I started a teaching degree after finishing school, and became that caregiver myself for the next decade or so. My brain has not thought of that as normal for a very long time. I suppose in a way it has made things more distressing; instead of working with the 'norm' I get more distressed by what I now know is not.

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And also, with out the abuse...life can feel boring
Absolutely not, but I think this links with what Kizzie posted later, and i'll give a bigger response there.

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Also, the memory of the narc in the beginning, can make us want them back, thinking that was the real them
To some extent yes, and no. Yes, in the beginning I did very much like him, connected with what he portrayed. It does not happen often, It was nice. There really are things that we did in common, more so than others. This was not part of the portrayal, they were real. There were other things that I reserved judgement on (things guys say trying to impress the girl), a couple of red flags that were noted... then the change was swift when I needed to assert myself. That was horrid. He is not a good person. At all. And plenty of people can see it. I was cast aside for someone else, how can I willingly go back to someone who thinks its okay to treat people like that? These are things that I would never put up with from anyone else.

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I'm in an abusive relationships, but as long as i have tiny scraps of love, ill take them, as its better than nothing, and your still trying to fix a pattern of trying to get love
Maybe I fell into that trap a little trying to nip things in the bud. Stop the abuse before it really started, but by doing that I triggered a torrent of abuse. I think it is because I do not believe in throwing things away, I do believe in working on things. There will always be miscommunication and learning curves in any relationship, but its only worth working on if all parties are willing. He wasn't. There comes a point where it has to stop.

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You may wish you were this new girl of his . If he dumped her, maybe you wish and hope that he wants you back, or maybe you wish that you could fix him so that he would regret using her like he used you. Maybe you want to stop him injuring others in the future?
In all honesty, no, no, no, no.
I want to be me, not the new girl. He had me, and he buggered up.
I don't want him to want me back because it didn't work with her.
I don't want to manipulate people's emotions.
I just wish he wasn't so wrapped up in his own inflated, deluded, grossly egocentric persona. Because he missed, nay, screwed up an opportunity to have something that could have been really genuinely lovely. But he made his choices and did what he did. It cannot be undone.

We all know what friends say when relationships break down when ego is involved... "his loss". Well it wasn't just his. Mine too.

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But with narc X who left, i just hate him and dont want to see him ever again.
Sometimes the anger is suppressed, so i wonder if i will ever feel addicted to him in the future as i work through this loss.
I think that sums up the above.

Thanks Sienna, when I clear my head a bit, will definitely look at those websites you have posted. Did a lot of research and reading, and thought i'd managed to find it all. But not these links. Look forward to reading them.

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Any feelings that come up, they most likely need to be felt and have been stuffed down for years.
Yes. They seem to come up in one big rush when something in the present triggers them don't they? Its never one thing at a time.

Three Roses
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Sometimes the boobytrap we're familiar with is better than the minefield we're not.
I have not heard that one before, but do know it well. Will remember that one.

Kizzie
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I know when I first started going LC with my FOO I was relieved but oddly bored too. I realized I missed the crisis, the excitement of all the gameplaying and emotion.  Crazy stuff but it was what I was used to and calm, stable and healthy were just not in my world view back then.
Yes I do understand the not being used to calm, stable and healthy indeed Kizzie. I remember when I first moved out of the family home I could not deal with the quiet healthy calm. Now I enjoy it, though not entirely :) I do like the excitement and energy of discussion and activity, but not the crisis.


My head is in big fuzz now. Reading over think there could be some unsurprising contradictions in my written thoughts and feelings. Somethings I think need complete re-answering. But its too much to think on!


Some thoughts I has at first reading of your replies:
Is it really about him? Am I placing all of my anger on him for everything i've experienced before. Is it because I had a little period of happiness with him that gave me hope of moving forward from the nastiness of past relationships?

 

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Contessa

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2016, 04:44:28 AM »
Oh thank you too Artemis23.
I appreciate the link and am eager to read that article. Just need a cleansing, head clearing bath... tea... movie... whatever first, haha.

Will check back in with all of these articles later. I hope you're making good headway with your predicament too.

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Smoke

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2016, 02:35:56 PM »
I am missing a douche myself right now.
We had some good times and that can't be ignored, it's just that he was a Douche and that is a dealbreaker and it sucks.
Life is hard when you are trying to stay true to yourself :(

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Contessa

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2016, 09:51:57 AM »
Yeah Smoke. If only they weren't douches.
Indeed. Sorry to hear you're going through it too. Slowly moving further away from him.

Something I try to keep in mind, "There's no point loving someone who doesn't love you back." Easier said than done but it helps.


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Smoke

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2016, 05:43:46 PM »
So true.
I find that distracting myself can help a bit so I am literally cleaning out my closet right now :)

Also I smoke too much.. hence my nick.

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Contessa

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2016, 05:26:48 AM »
I hear you.

I don't smoke, but after a particularly distressing day involving him, chain smoking and a nip of whiskey was all that would calm me down. Felt so ill.

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Sienna

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2016, 02:46:36 PM »
Yes, Contessa, I agree:
"There's no point loving someone who doesn't love you back."
Its a good thing to think of. Its hard, because we have if we want to recover and not stuff feelings-
we have to feel feelings.
Maybe the hard part is feeling that want and that need for that person, that wish that they would love us.

When narc X- when he was my boyfriend , he always made it so that it was on and off. All his choice for it to be that way.
I was living at my dads at one point and i remember thinking the exact same thing to myself, which was, why on earth am i stuck here, missing him, when is is not where he is ,missing me!
But i did disassociate and put those feelings i had for him under the rug.
God. just writing this- no wonder i could never feel love for him, and i thought there was something wrong with me. Each time he finished it with me, i put my feelings for him away, and of course they never came back- because i must of been aware on some level that he might dump me again.

How are you doing with all this Contessa?


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Sienna

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2016, 02:48:03 PM »
I hear you Contessa.
I don't smoke, but after a particularly distressing day involving him, chain smoking and a nip of whiskey was all that would calm me down. Felt so ill.
I have been there too. Hugs.  :hug:

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Sienna

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Re: Can't stop thinking about the douche
« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2016, 03:44:45 PM »
Hey Contessa, and anyone else who struggles with this.
Did you know that there are people who do youtube videos on narcissists ...such as Annabell Lee?
She did a video in which she talks about how to stop thinking about the narcissist.
I can send you a link..no i cant...if you dont mind, ill just put it in right now because its hard to copy and paste on my phone...and i might not be able to find it again.

i didnt want to *thow advice, resources and help onto you*. here it is if you wish to check it out.
i do thin however, that therapy is the best source of help.

if you scroll down- it is on there.
https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com/category/annabel-lee/