(TW weight) How to prevent ourselves from vulnerability to future abuse?

[Sesame]

I think having a trauma-filled past that caused C-PTSD makes me a lot more vulnerable to future abuse. I have a uNMIL who covertly abuses me. I thought after all I've been through and how strong I've become, I wouldn't become a victim again.

TW: potential trigger in mentioning weight below ----------






I know I am by no means overweight, so although she made it her mission in life to convince me of that, I always logically knew that I was fine. Still, one day I realised it HAD affected me in a negative way. I was walking by a large, reflective surface (which barely registered as such at the time) and saw another woman. I thought, `Wow, she's really thin. Much thinner than me.' A few seconds later, I realised it was me. So despite logically knowing what uNMIL said was untrue, I subconsciously began to visualise my own body as being larger than it is in reality! I was shocked and deeply saddened by this discovery. That I was so easily manipulated down the path towards hating myself again.

What can we do to strengthen ourselves against further abuse? How can we make ourselves more aware of when our own perception has been manipulated by malignant people? Recognising my uNMIL as someone who does not have my best interest at heart did not protect me. Neither did mentally acknowledging that reality does not match her words. What can we do to protect ourselves in the event we encounter people who want to harm us or take advantage of us?

[Smoke]

I think it's hard to not be affected at all by other people unless you turn in to a stone with no feelings.
I guess that's why NC is always the best advice if we want to remain healthy but still sensitive and open for connection with others.

[Danaus plexippus]

  I went no contact with my bat $hi+ crazy in-laws and only wish I'd done it sooner.

[Sesame]

Problem is my H still has a good relationship with them, but fully acknowledges his mum is toxic and will never accept me. For now, the best I can hope for is almost no contact. A few phone calls a year and seeing her 1-2 times a year. Still get messed up every time a visit is up-and-coming, though. Not long now before she's here. Wonder if that has to do with the back-to-back EFs I've been having?

[Danaus plexippus]

Will your doctor give you a very short script for Valium, just enough for the duration of the visit? It's so unfair when it's her that needs to take a pill not you. If you can't arainge  to go off and do some visiting of your own till she's gone, see if you can get overtime at work. If you are between jobs, schedule a load interviews and training for the time of her visit. If you do not already volunteer, find a group in your neighborhood that needs you. Help register voters, anything to get you out of the house. Your already on her S list. Let your husband have some mommy and me time.

[Sesame]

I don't really have a doctor because I live in a country where it works very differently. A lot of drugs you can get easily in my home country are completely illegal here, as well.

Luckily, she is not staying in our home, but will most likely be there every day when I come home from work. I have seriously been thinking of doing some overtime and there may be some things going on then anyway. Thanks for the suggestions.

Funny that H has actually seen her a LOT more than he normally would because several business trips have taken him near enough he could visit, yet now she suddenly keeps wanting to spend more time with me. Probably to try to knock me down again or harass me for a grandchild.

[sanmagic7]

have you explained to your hub just how negatively his mother affects you?  is there a possibility that the 2 of you can come up with a plan whereby he keeps her out of your way (take her to dinner, a show, an event, etc.) while she's around, and you don't join them?  do you really have to have contact with her via phone?  she may throw a fit, your hub may not like it, but when you ask how to take care of ourselves, protect ourselves against such people, staying away from them as much as possible seems, to me, to be our best alternative.

my best friend has a narc mom who abuses her constantly.  the last time i visited, i told my friend that i will not visit with her mom anymore when i come to town.  this is in an area of the country (southern u.s.) where not visiting when in town is looked on as something extremely rude, akin to a snubbing.  i told my friend that, no matter what her mom might say to the contrary, she and i don't like each other, and i see no reason to put two people who don't like each other in the same room, making chitchat, for 2 or 3 hours.  besides, i said that i didn't know what might come out of my mouth if i was in that woman's presence and she said something neg. to or about my friend.

i realize everyone is not at the same place in their recovery, and maybe you're not quite ready to take such steps.  you may want to explain to your hub that when she's around, you may be going to your room a lot, feigning illness or something, had a hard day at work.  she'll probably talk about you behind your back, but that's something that you can know/realize beforehand and let it be.  another thought that just came to mind is not to talk about her with your hub.  if he wants to have a relationship with her, that's up to him, but you don't have to be involved with that at all, even by listening to him talk about her.  yes, it would probably be better if you told him about that beforehand, and why.  these e.f.'s you're going through are no fun, and whatever you can do to minimize or eliminate some of them would probably save you some suffering.  just my thoughts, for what they're worth.  best to you with all this.  it's a sticky situation at best, and i hate to think of you having to go through more suffering because of it.  you've been through so much already.

[SweetFreedom]

some great ideas in this thread. I do think that sometimes our social obligations can maintain an 'abusive system' around us, even when we might otherwise have the ability to take a bit more space from toxic personalities we have to deal with.

Some more thoughts on protecting yourself....

Just in case it's not been clear in your learning about trauma, the 'bottom of the barrel' of abuse is a kind of 'toxic shame' that has been put on us early in life, There are many ways this can happen, but however it happens, the "key" to all abuse is shame-- that sense that we are somehow 'not enough' or 'broken' or 'wrong'.

The interesting thing about shame is that IT'S NOT YOURS. It's a belief system that was projected onto you, that you accepted and internalized as a child. That's what the inner & outer critic are-- our own internalization of this toxic shame we were taught to accept. It's our caregivers' toxic agenda, or our culture's toxic agenda masquerading as our own voice in our head. Pretty twisted stuff.

According to Pia Mellody & John Bradshaw, you know if the shame is actually yours if it does not upset you, and if it feels more like a humility or a humble awareness of your shortcomings than it does a painful trigger. Any time you are experiencing a painful trigger, it's because the belief is NOT originally coming from you, or from your deepest values.

So I think step #1 would be to become more aware of who's shame it is! If it's a painful trigger, then SEND IT BACK TO WHO IT BELONGS TO. I usually do this in my own head, by becoming super, super clear that if it hurts, then it's not mine. It's their shame that they are unwilling to own and deal with. Say "NO!" inside your head, and refuse to accept it! Often times, verbally giving it back to the person will obviously result in conflict. Abusers like to use social pressure as a way to hurt us, so by being clear about the shame that is not yours, you neutralize their ability to wound you with social conditioning & pressure. So I usually 'give it back' by just never taking ownership of an idea about me that is not mine.

Step #2 is related to step #1, and that's to keep working on your sense of Boundaries. Make sure that you're clear that other people's thoughts, feelings, and opinions, do not exist in your body, but in theirs.  Strengthen that sense of "ME" until you are very clear about it. When boundaries are strong, people can say all they want without it really cutting us to the core. Strong boundaries also mean that we are willing to assert ourselves if necessary, remind people of when they are over the line, and what is actually theirs so that they know that you see what's going on.

my little trick to know where the boundaries are is this: If it's them trying to have a say about ME or control me in any way, then that's them crossing my boundaries. And that goes both ways People get to control themselves, not each other. The codependent controls the other to feel okay in themselves. In a healthy relationship, when we have the courage to be ourselves, we say things like "I feel..." or "I would like...." rather than trying to control the other. So if I'm trying to control somebody, it's clear as soon as I start talking about them instead of my own experience. And vice versa. I will often remind people that their feelings are theirs, their opinions are theirs, etc, and by doing so, make it clear that my feelings are my own.

Step #3 would be to educate yourself about the tactics that narcissists employ: Gaslighting, Love Bombing, Push-pull communication, back-handed compliments, making the conversation appear like either one of you is 'one up' on the other, etc. There's tons of Youtube videos on the "red flags" of narcissist communication, so I'd start there.

Likewise, I'd also learn about logical fallacies in arguments, which are great for understanding clear thinking in debates and arguments. I'd also learn about Cognitive Biases so that you know more about the "blind spots" in the human mind, and how they can be exploited by the personality types that do this sort of thing. I know that sounds like a lot of learning, and it is! But, it'll keep you empowered and much more able to spot the toxic 'poison drip' of the narcissist and deal with it.

It can also be helpful to reframe Narcissists around you as ridiculous in your mind, as that's what they really are!  See them for the strange, silly, bizarre personalities they are. Don't take it personal that they can't treat you right-- they're the ones that have it all twisted. They've never been able to treat anyone right, and that's not your fault.

Another big one for me is to remind myself that Narcissists use a Double Bind to mess with you. A Double Bind is: "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type of situation or logic. So I will ask myself-- even if I did exactly what this person keeps pressuring me to do, is it likely that they'd all of a sudden be warm and kind and show me acceptance? And if they did, would it be genuine? Obviously the answer to this is: NO! ....which means that there's NO WAY YOU COULD EVER MAKE THEM HAPPY, so why drive yourself crazy with trying to?   

For example: If you don't lose the weight, you'll be shamed for it-- even if subtly. If you lose the weight, you're still not likely to be accepted or acknowledged for it. And if you were, it would likely be a hollow praise. So why allow yourself to be caught up in it? There was never a way that you were going to come out okay in this dynamic. It's inherently unfair.

I hope that helps a bit. Dealing with Narcs can be tricky stuff. They use that charm and charisma so well, it can seem like they're right all of the time. But they're not. Obviously, distance is best. But if you can't have distance, hopefully some of these ideas will be useful. Best of luck 

[Sesame]

I just wanted to thank the last two posters for their helpful input.

sanmagic7 - We have come up with a plan together and he is more or less the shield between me and her. Generally, I have very little interaction with her. She only genuinely wants to talk to her son anyway, and I am fine with that. It's only when he is away on a business trip that she insists on talking to me once a week. Usually these talks are fairly positive, but she often can't resist rubbing in the fact that I am alone and sometimes says other harmful things. However, if that's all I have to deal with a few times a year, I am quite comfortable.

The only issue with H seeing her separately is that it will not just be her visiting; FIL will be there, too. And I actually get along really well with him. I get along well with the whole family. It's just her that's like that. So it's not as easy or simple.

I have done so in the past. Actually, most of the time it was genuine, but I remember getting into lots of fights because of my spending time alone, even if it was for a good reason. However, perhaps now it's easier with H on my side.

SweetFreedom - It's very interesting you should mention this toxic shame as my MIL was treated as never good enough by her own mother. She says all the time how she never wanted to make her own children feel that way, but it's okay towards their spouses, I guess.

Step 2 is something that took me a long time to realise. I had to move to the other side of the world before I could shut down that voice in my head that kept asking, `What will MIL think?' or even shouting, `MIL would never approve of that!' It was as if she was there all the time, watching and judging.

Step 3 is very helpful. I'll definitely check them out.

MIL is definitely the type of person who uses double bind. I learnt a while ago nothing I ever did would ever please her, so why bother?

Thank you for giving me so much information that will no doubt help me in dealing with my MIL! I appreciate you taking the time to get it all down!