Disappointing a Friend

[Danaus plexippus]

My good friend wants to visit Friday. I told him my place is a mess. He said I have a week to clean it up. I said I'd be at work all week except Wednesday when I’ll be at the WTC Environmental Health Care Clinic for the day. He just grinned.

Of course I can clean. I’m not physically paralyzed. I used to keep my apartment spotless, I cleaned the walls, I painted the ceilings, everything was organized. Then one day I came home from work to find a burglar ransacking my apartment. Everything was turned upside down, dumped out and scattered around. It made neatness seem futile. What’s the point of taking time out of my life to tidy up if someone can break in and destroy all my hard work?

Years passed and after the death of my husband it occurred to me that no matter how clean I got our apartment my dead husband was not coming back to life, so what’s the point of anything.

Three years later I woke up to sirens and my neighbors screaming bloody murder. I looked out the window to see the street lined with fire trucks. Just then a fireman stomped up the stairs shouting everybody out! The building is about to collapse! I sighed and said to myself “Well, I guess this will take care of my clutter.”

After I found a new apartment, I paid movers to go into my old apartment and box up whatever they thought was salvageable. As they were being paid by the hour, that was a big mistake. Seven years later I still have a living room full of boxes I haven’t even looked in. As I don’t have the money to replace my living room furniture anyway, I just leave it there.

The meds I’m on leave me so fatigued I just pile up mail on my kitchen table. There’s stuff there from years ago. I have nightmares about it, but when I get home from work I don’t want to touch it. I just shove out a space large enough to prepare and eat dinner. Stuff falls off the edge and gets shoved under the table. I’m so tired it hurts. Last night I didn’t even do the dishes.

When I bring this up in group T, I get told how brave I am to admit it, then we talk about the Collyer brothers (search if you dare). When I hired a professional organizer/cleaning lady, I went into such a powerful EF, I had to ask her to leave. I spent the rest of the day ugly crying and could not give a rational reason why.

Because of all the trauma attached to everything, I have made decisions I regret. When I clear a space, it looks empty to me and I feel an irresistible need to fill it up again as fast as possible with anything.

My shrink insists I connect with people. I never claimed to be an island unto myself. I used to be so hospitable; I would take time off work to get everything just right for company. I don’t have that option now because all my time off work goes to medical appointments. I’m overwhelmed and I can’t find my way out.

[Wife#2]

Oh, Danaus - I just hurt for you after reading that post! So much sadness. So much loneliness.

How good a friend is this?

I have only one friend that I allowed in my house during my depression. She was the only one who wouldn't judge me. She would, however, bring over a 6-pack, some cleaning supplies and some gloves. I'd turn on the stereo and our evening together would be spent 'handling' the two-years mail stack on the spare bed, the pizza-box-soda-can collection I seemed to be starting in the garage. Her only rules were that I had to put in more effort than her, the meal I prepared - or we prepared together - had to be home-made and that I did the bathrooms. But, she wouldn't leave until the place was clean. Then, we'd eat, do dishes and enjoy a cold beer looking over our efforts.

She always knew this was needed if I refused her request to come to my house. It might take her a week to have the time for that, but she'd be there. One time, when I had my 3-day vacation with the state, she and her mother had my keys and attacked my house. Even the bathrooms! So that, when I got home, I wouldn't sink back down so hard. They refused payment and only smiled and hugged me at my repeated thanks. It did help.

Is this something you think you could handle, with a really, really good friend?

[Danaus plexippus]

There's too much emotion involved. Friends have tried to help me. One frienemy had volunteered to mail all of a certain item to a collector she was trying to hover. When the collector went NC with her she called me over, dumped the items in my lap and berated me for burdening her with worthless crap.

When a dear friend of mine said she would love my husbands old slide rule (it was very nice. It looked like ivory and may have been, I don't know and it was in a full grain leather case.) I was afraid she was just being nice and insisted "Really?" She told me how her dearly departed father had given her a slide rule decades ago and how grieved she was to no longer have it. I took her at her word and gave her my husbands old slide rule. Unfortunately the venom of my frienemy still makes me doubt that anything I'm desperately holding onto is worth anything to anyone but me.       

[Wife#2]

Danaus - Frienemy to the side, your opinion is the only one that matters regarding your home. Period.

I'm grateful to this day that my aunt and uncle were collectors. Not hoarders, but they didn't throw everything away. Because of that, I have some foreign currency from countries they visited - that no longer exist! I also have a very nice old stamp collection. And my son is almost old enough to inherit that. Everything they had might seem silly or worthless to some people, but it was treasures to me and my siblings when we inherited them (they had no children to leave these things to).

Everything they had came with a story. Sometimes, it was a simple trip the two made together to the beach. Sometimes it was a trip to China. Sometimes it was just the same linen seen in a photograph of a party they hosted. It ALL had meaning of their time together. THAT is what made it special, not the quality of the linen or the variety of the stamps, or even the value of the foreign currency! We loved them for them, the things help us remember them and what they meant to us.

So, I can certainly understand if the 'stuff' of your married life are hard or flat out impossible to part with. I also can understand the emotional burden of unpacking or setting up or sorting through all of it. I do wish you had a friend like mine. One who didn't judge but just loved on you and held your hand or handed you tissues as their way of helping.

The only reason I'm trying to nudge towards doing something with it is that the tone of your original post sounded as if you're trying to work to that place where you're ready to handle it, even if you're not there yet. As someone online who doesn't know you at all, I'll just say that I understand the emotional pulls in both directions and I don't judge you at all for whatever you decide. Even if that decision is to deny your friend access to your place until you're ready to. Even if that isn't for years. You're safe to say that here. It's ok. You're allowed to feel not ready.

[papillon]

How good of a friend is this? If you trust him... maybe you do have him over? Show him your mess. Talk about it. Tell him what you told us. Sure it will be uncomfortable, but what's the worst that could happen? Best case scenario you're met with kindness and compassion by an incredible friend like Wife#2 mentioned. I think that's worth the risk.

Or maybe you ask him to meet you at a restaurant instead? No shame in that. Your home should be a safe place for you. If showing your home, with it's visible signs of your distress, is going to cause you even more distress... then meet him out somewhere. Eat and laugh together. Use that time together to strengthen you.

I googled the Collier brothers. Wow. So sad. I seriously doubt you're going to turn out like that.

I've been through something similar. Here's what helped me:

- Take it one box at a time. It's hard when you don't know what you might find.

- Start with something that feels neutral to you. I started with my sock drawer. I learned how to organize it the Kon Mari way... now I love using my sock drawer. It sounds silly, but it gave me an easy win to be able to work on the next thing.

- The moment you start feeling overwhelmed/panicked/emotional... walk away. Come back when you're calm, even if that's tomorrow or next week.

- Don't expect yourself to have a full resolution for each item the first time you go through it. I sorted into 3 boxes. 1) Keep, 2) Too triggering to deal with yet, and 3) Trash. Consider even just reducing your pile a "win". When you're ready, revisit boxes #1 and #2 and sort them again.

- Sort your papers similarly. Don't expect to also deal with them in that moment... but figure out what can be trashed and what you need to come back to.

- If it would help, ask your therapist if you can go through a box together so you can talk through what you're experiencing. Or ask a friend to go through your 'keep' pile of papers with you.

- Set a 15 timer once a week to work on it.. and let that be all you expect to do. If you go longer, great. If not, no big deal. Choose a time that you know will be relatively low-stress for you and do it when you're not already emotionally charged. If you skip a week, ok, fine, don't beat yourself up. Come back to it without a guilt trip.

- Think about why you're doing this. Are you ashamed? Shame isn't a very healthy motivator. Our spaces are meant to serve us, not the other way around... so try to focus on what good can come out of reclaiming your space. Think about hosting friends and renewing the life of your home.

Right now your home is another source of stress to you. Yes, it's "easier" to live with the junk than to deal with it. Because dealing with it IS hard. Don't let anyone make you think that you should be able to deal with it without difficulty. That's a fantasy in which you've never experienced any trauma or depression. But I'd be willing to bet that living with the junk, the constant visual reminder, is taking it's own toll on you.

For me cleaning out the physical junk (my own junk and what had been dumped on me by my family) was a healing metaphor for cleaning out the emotional baggage. There are some killer-strong emotions tied up in facing the junk. Each item, each box might set off a flashback or panic attack. I might not fully calm down for a couple days. But I got through it and so can you. I breathe easier in my home now because it's not another source of stress or shame.

[Danaus plexippus]

We have known each other for decades. He and my husband were good friends. He and I like each other as "friends." Sometimes he does heavy lifting for me, sometimes I cook for him. When He gets his four year old daughter, we go for walks in the park and photograph her feeding the ducks. After certain things happened in his life he moved back to his extended family household. His mother loves me and is always friendly when I come over. She has never seen how I live. Without specifying any nationality, let me just say her people are proverbially noted for their clean and tidiness. Although my friend has seen worse and told me so, I know he disapproves of how I live. He has PTSD too and If were to engage in "mindreading" I'd worry that my chaos is disturbing to him. 

[Danaus plexippus]

I tried the sock drawer. My socks kept falling over. How do you get them to stand up? Same for sweaters. I can get them to lay flat when I pile them one on top of another, but when I try to put them sideways according to the Kon Mari way they just slump down in the drawer. How does she do that?

[Danaus plexippus]

On Wednesday I intend to address the issue of my chronic fatigue, indecision, lack of motivation and the possibility of being taken off at least one of my meds with my P doc. If I could move like I'm alive again it would be worth going through discontinuation syndrome.

I have shown my group T photos of my clutter. She recommended the joy of de-cluttering book and many of your suggestions.

[papillon]

Hahaha! Marie Kondo is magical, that's how she does it. 

http://www.nwedible.com/marie-kondo-sock-folding-video/

I fold them the way this video shows... and make mine stand up by compressing them all together in the drawer. No magic involved.

I don't live in a climate where sweaters are part of my life, so... 

Good luck figuring out your med situation. 

[Danaus plexippus]

I'll give the sock fold a try, it looks interesting. At group therapy the T and the other members told me not to worry about my clutter. Our T said I will deal with it when I'm ready. One of the other members said "Your friend isn't the clean house poliece coming to arrest
you." Of course she's right. I'm just having an EF about this.

[Three Roses]

How did the visit to P go? 

[Danaus plexippus]

Excellent! Not only is he a teaching psychologist, he minored in neurology. He is not the P I tried to get but I don't know how I could have made out better. He understands my neurological disorder and why my neurologist put me on a psych med with muscle relaxing side effects. He understands why I want to get off Neurontin and supports my decision. My former shrink told me to increase the Neurontin and intended to increase the Sertraline even though I complained of difficulty waking up and staying awake. My new P acts like he's alive and human. My former shrink you can read about in my former posts. I won't repeat it here. That grove in my psyche is deep enough. I chose to take this other road. I am optimistic it will make all the difference. When I reported to group T everyone was supportive of the change in P and meds. It was a good day except for something I'm working out in my head at this time.

[Three Roses]

I'm terrified of going back into therapy.  It's irrational. Part of me wants to; but not a big enough part to override the fear of feeling. I'm shut down emotionally.

It's good to read about people having success and good experiences in therapy or with their doctors.

Glad it went well for you!

[papillon]

Hope your visit with your friend went well!

Sounds like the last thing you need is to pressure yourself about it right now! You'll know when it's time to deal with the clutter, and it very probably won't be an overnight change. So when that happens... baby steps are victories, celebrate them!

[Danaus plexippus]

I was badly injured on the way to T last week. See "Flashback City" for the graphic details. When I texted the friend that had invited himself over for dinner on Friday, he replied “Oh my goodness. I feel so bad for you.” and then he never showed up, perhaps out of consideration for my being all busted up, I don’t know. We are in the middle of a heat wave and I was looking forward to his help getting my air conditioners into the windows. If it wasn’t for all the meds I’m on now (since the fall) I would not have gotten to sleep at all lately. I’ll find someone else to help with the air conditioners tonight. All this ozone is really bad for my COPD. I did not go into the city for T today. I hope the weather and I will be better next Wednesday. I need to discuss my persistent fear of falling and crowds. I didn't go out to watch the fireworks out of fear of being trampled.