Intense Therapy Experience - Need Help Breaking It Down

[movementforthebetter]

I had a session with my T today, and the previous week (4 days ago). I've had some sudden and surprisingly positive progress between those sessions, so we went over that. I am getting to my core wounds now. I am feeling more like me from 10 years ago.

This session we also did a dissociative scale evaluation to see where I fell before starting EMDR soon. Mostly low to zero except for a few areas that were mid-range to high. I talked about recent info regarding memories I have repressed, and a situation with a person in which I felt and behaved totally irrationally and out of control with someone who manipulated me. We discussed my current relationship with myself as it is transitioning to self respect and compassion, and current and past friendships and how they are changing.

Grief, love, anger, sadness, shame, hope, on and on. The emotions kept coming and by the end of the hour I think I had felt every one. I left, crossed the street, and had to sit down. I was shaking and I was shaken to the core. Honestly the only other time I have felt similar to this was with the person that manipulated me. It was scary, overwhelming, adrenaline-filled and I felt like I was losing control. I didn't. I felt afraid that I have a PD, that I was going crazy and thatI'd just been to the moon and back, if that makes sense. I sat with myself until I felt confident in walking again.

What was that? Have any of you experienced anything like it? I'm glad my T proposed 2 more sessions prior to EMDR. Clearly not ready yet. Thanks to anyone who replies.

[movementforthebetter]

Adding some clarification. The person who manipulated me was years ago, not recent. I was out of control in regards to this person, and I was aware of it but couldn't stop myself.

Sometimes over the past year I have wondered if I might have bipolar. Like maybe that was some kind of episode? Or maybe a panic attack without my usual symptoms. I tried self-soothing but was in too much of a state.Going to email my T with what I wrote here.

I walked around for a bit after and still felt out of it. Caught the bus home, wrote my post, and went to the grocery store to pick up a couple things. While there I realized it was the perfect place to practice grounding with my 5 senses. I smelled fruit, observed colours, listened to the sound of my footsteps, held a package, and bought some chocolate to taste. I am feeling more level now. Grounding was not an immediate reaction and it was a slow process today, but I am hoping with practice it will become one.

[woodsgnome]

Yes, I've experienced episodes like that, in varying proportions. I've only recently felt safer to accept them as part of the healing process, as a positive in the healing journey.

As you described the aftereffects, it seems like perhaps the intense emotions touched a nerve that led to feeling overwhelmed. You did mention it was similar to how things were around the original manipulation, so I suppose it could even have been on the order of an emotional flashback or trigger. The circumstances weren't the same, but the emotional storm was.

I guess what else struck me about your experience is that you could recognize and feel the emotions as they came up. My own hardest times have involved getting past the numb stage, where I recognize there are emotions but can't (or resist) allow myself to fully feel them. There's still a resolve of holding on, especially with another person--the T-- present (dissociative, perhaps; plus fear that the emotions would worsen if I let them in). That you appeared on the edge of overwhelm may actually, then, be an alright (albeit rough) development, as if the emotions are ready to aid in healing. Kudos also on the grounding you practiced after.

Some of this might be related to building a trust level with your T? That's also been a major stumbling block for me but, like you, I seem to be getting better, finally. Reaching that trust level might also contribute to allowing those emotions in. Only this time, you may be ready to accept them as part of the process to where they won't, strange as it seems now, overwhelm so bad as they work through.

[movementforthebetter]

Yes, I've experienced episodes like that, in varying proportions...

As you described the aftereffects, it seems like perhaps the intense emotions touched a nerve that led to feeling overwhelmed. You did mention it was similar to how things were around the original manipulation, so I suppose it could even have been on the order of an emotional flashback or trigger. The circumstances weren't the same, but the emotional storm was.

...There's still a resolve of holding on, especially with another person--the T-- present (dissociative, perhaps; plus fear that the emotions would worsen if I let them in). That you appeared on the edge of overwhelm may actually, then, be an alright (albeit rough) development, as if the emotions are ready to aid in healing. Kudos also on the grounding you practiced after.

Some of this might be related to building a trust level with your T? That's also been a major stumbling block for me but, like you, I seem to be getting better, finally. Reaching that trust level might also contribute to allowing those emotions in. Only this time, you may be ready to accept them as part of the process to where they won't, strange as it seems now, overwhelm so bad as they work through.

Thanks for your reply, woodsgnome. Your insights are helpful. While I am relieved I'm not alone, I'm sorry that you've gone through it too, as it sure is a rollercoaster.

I might be unusual in that I lean way more towards overwhelm than dissociation most of the time. I have been consciously denying my feelings and experiences for years. I have repressed memories but do know that the events happened. One of my biggest blocks in healing is being afraid of my most intense emotions. I feel everything pretty keenly. And I am very afraid of being overwhelmed and losing control because of all the times I was powerless to stop what was being done to me in the past.

Now I do have some coping tools and am starting to use them, so I am reclaiming my power bit by bit. Grounding helped because I knew that even if I didn't feel clear-headed after, at least I tried something instead of giving in to my emotions. I remembered it considerably later but I hope in time it might become second nature.

I do trust my therapist. We talked about abandonment in my closest relationships and how deep down I find it hard to truly trust anyone because of my past. I might have been triggered by that. Then in the aftermath I was even projecting that stuff on her, seceretly thinking I was too crazy for even her to cope with and too draining/annoying a person for anyone to want to be around. Deep down I think everyone will see that I don't deserve love, care, or support and that they will all leave. That's a big deal for me to realize that I had that still inside me.

Thank you again, woodsgnome.

[woodsgnome]

You wrote that you were afraid of hitting on repressed memories as well as the fear "...of being overwhelmed and losing control." Same here, and I seem inclined to both dissociate (especially around a witness such as my T) and let overwhelm dictate my tensing up by not allowing the full grief to take me to where it's pointing, IF I allow it; like another huge door to open with unknown stuff behind it. Even if it's good stuff, I'm afraid to open it.

Lots of my past 'aftereffects' with therapy were a result of this resistance and tension, it seems; but I also had deep trust issues with therapists I had. With trust in my current T, that resistance seems less necessary. But here's the real kicker of the moment--apparently my so many months period of therapy is being assessed by the health agency overseeing the T.

My T assures me that her assessment is the key, scheduled me for future appointments, and points out that the agency people are just doing their routine paper-pushing, and I will be approved for the next quarter (including emdr). But now I'm on pins and needles as my trust level now has to consider unseen bureaucrats who aren't on top of the situation like my T is; so I end up trusting the unseen party to trust the one I know. It likely will be okay, as she's told me, but...well, you know--it's soooo hard to be in that scenario when all I remember is the many times that trust collapsed on me. I've searched for years to find the right T, one who finally seems capable of nudging me towards the thriving state instead of the just-muddling-through path I've been on forever.

Sorry to interject my own woe-is-me tale in this; guess it's part of the release valve process and, like all those emotions that ride so close to the surface, can turn around and even become a positive notion despite how awkward and helpless it feels. Meanwhile, I hope your next sessions are conducive to the steps you need to be on, and that you find further progress with the work on the coping skills you've already demonstrated.   

[movementforthebetter]

By all means, keep sharing if you feel compelled to. I am finding iy helpful to read your perspective and experiences. I too am extremely wary of beaurocracy and I think I would not take your situation well. It's good that your T is reassuring.

I also specifically chose my T because of her secializing in cptsd and emdr, as well as her focus on thriving, rather than just surviving. Sounds like we may have some similarities.

Actually, when I think about it, I was still holding back with my T even though I felt all those emotions. I often feel like once I uncork there'll be no way to stick the cork back in! Am I maybe missing the point, that I have to actually let it all out completely? It really seems too scary to do that, but I'm not sure if that's really what I think or if maybe it' my Inner Critic or even my M's idea.

I don't know if I want to find out, but do wonder what would happen if I didn't filter anything for a while. Would it be destructive? Liberating? Both? Neither?

I have chronic physical tension that I am sure is stress and repressed emotion related. My medication has made jaw-clenching worse so now I almost always feel it. I have yoga and a night guard for my teeth. Both help somewhat. It's funny how I have all these negative symptoms from my traumas and still my biggest fear is that I will drive people away. Talk about self-abandonment. I guess a lot more inner child work is needed to reassure me that I am now safe and worthy of healing and whatever experience it comes in.

[woodsgnome]

You wrote: "...Am I maybe missing the point, that I have to actually let it all out completely? It really seems too scary to do that..." No one has to do anything, other than be what seems to move them; once one realizes that yes, there is nothing wrong with me, now, any expectations of doing it right or is it perfect seems to diminish. The focus can shift a bit when the shoulds and have-tos are gotten past. Unfortunately, that's easy to say, harder to accomplish, but it might be a key to discovering a new way forward, too.

There seems to be a lot of learning and even more un-learning involved in clearing a space around the fear. So instead of going through the fear, perhaps it's working with the fear? Kind of allowing the fear to just be, as it tends to show up all on its own anyway. Maybe fear is even a friend in some strange disguise. Whatever it is, it's there, and could it be an invitation allowing deeper access to grief in order to move past it? Maybe there is no absolute point to reach?

Holding onto the fear of what secrets might pop out were I to fully open the doors of memory has been my battle, too. But slowly I've concluded I have to grieve, and letting go (un-learning) my resistance seems an invitation to let the learned pattern loosen its tight grip. My own greatest fear is that if I reach the deepest grief levels and worst memories, I would have tears enough to create a good-sized ocean. So it's a choice of hazards, I guess, a risk that's like a mystery ride to an unknown destination. And thus scary.

One comfort worth realizing is that no matter what comes up, anything remembered is not happening now, in this moment; it's only being recalled. Unfortunately there are debilitating aftershocks of mental and physical anguish associated with the memories (I have several serious health issues related to this as well). They can be vague or vivid, painful or just annoying; and it's all, again, scary. No one would willingly volunteer for that sort of unease, and it takes lots of internal fortitude to undertake even the first steps towards any meaningful recovery.

In my own journey with this, I've reached a point where I feel I'd rather choose the temporary pain of what comes up and accept the notion that in doing so I'm actually pro-active by allowing  some, or lots (and potentially lots more), of release and healing in order to move with the grief into a better state of being and feeling about life. But I need help; and that's where a good T can be a key to help facilitate what is a fragile and delicate unfolding. I've actually been close to the type of letting go I'm describing several times, but backed off, held back, in part because I didn't have the trust level with a T as we discussed earlier in this thread.

You observed that "I don't know if I want to find out, but do wonder what would happen if I didn't filter anything for a while. Would it be destructive? Liberating? Both? Neither?" Seems like It's all mystery, all the time, without solid answers as to outcome. Sounds strange at first, but maybe one has to relax into the process more than overthink the worst-case scenarios.

You also mentioned that "a lot more inner child work is needed to reassure me that I am now safe and worthy of healing and whatever experience it comes in." Same here. But something I've come to also realize is that the inner child work, like the rest of recovery, is ongoing; there may never be an obvious end point. It does, like the quote below, involve a descent into darkness to find the light.

"Forget your perfect offering," sings Leonard Cohen. "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

[movementforthebetter]

I keep coming here to respond and expand but am finding language inadequate right now. A lot of what you say resonates with me.

My T replied that it was great that I did the grounding and that I stayed with the feelings and stayed safe. She said it was a totally normal experience within trauma work, that our session had activated something deep. It's not a symptom of being overwhelmed, it's a symptom that I am making progress.

I woke up full of "grief energy", which I don't have quite the right words to describe. I wrote it out but just accidentally deleted it. Basically I think it's similar to anger, but has a compelling need to ACT NOW. I think my writing about it and examining it is the same as what you are saying about working with the fear rather than trying to avoid it.

I was talking to my inner children last night before bed. Slept better than I had in a while without medication, but still not a full night. Never a full night. Anyway, I think one of them opened a window so there was this space for fresh air, light, and energy this morning. And it did stir up some darkness, but not an overwhelming or frightening kind.

[woodsgnome]

Loved your therapist's response as you reported:  "It's not a symptom of being overwhelmed, it's a symptom that I am making progress." 

You noted that "...one of them opened a window so there was this space for fresh air, light, and energy this morning. And it did stir up some darkness, but not an overwhelming or frightening kind." Stepping past the darkness phobia seems like the key--while it'e easy to assume and get trapped into thinking that darkness=bad/evil, it can actually lead to an opening into new light.

It's the grief process unfolding, I guess. And grief includes the anger sensation you referred to, the act now compulsion. It also seems to have layers, and the deeper one goes, the closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't fully realize until recently how important it seems to have a trusted T as part of the process; as a guide/witness/safety net.

Sometimes I felt okay with my progress, but it seemed to need my T's careful nudge to try pushing through the fear obstacles. I was understanding more at a mental level, but my emotional sense lacked feeling--the fear held me back each time. Like you, I'm not there yet, where it all feels safe. And I don't have a solid clue as to what getting there really involves--that elusive end point. But I feel better about the process and warily ready to continue.

Thanks for sharing your observations; I've found them encouraging.   

[SweetFreedom]

Movementforthebetter,

I'm curious, do you identify as the "flight" trauma type? Your comment about feeling overwhelm instead of numbness kind of implies that to me.

After reading your original post, and scanning the subsequent posts, it makes me think that experience was a Somatic (body intelligence) Release. It was your body's way of expressing to you what it had been through so you could integrate it. I would hope your therapist warned you beforehand that these kinds of releases can happen.

I subscribe to the idea that there is no such thing as "mind + body", but that' it's all one nervous system, the "bodymind". Sometimes our nervous system releases stuff via memories, or emotions, of sensations, or any combination of these experiences. At least, that's how it's been for me. I suspect that an Emotional Flashback is actually the body trying to communicate a 'stuck' state in the nervous system that it doesnt entirely know how to release, or perhaps when it might be inappropriate to feel that way, so it gives us these EF's at inappropriate times. We get triggers for no reason, or for situations that don't call for such a drastic response in the body.

I've found that my EF's and any releases I have after doing healing work tend to have the same 'feeling', 'vibe', and 'emotion' as the states I originally felt when I was traumatized, which makes complete sense. For example, if I'm healing an abandonment fear, I may have a feeling of being totally lonely even in the midst of a bunch of people after a session. And yes, I often shake, and feel rattled & overstimulated afterward. "Rung like a bell" comes to mind, lol. This is what animals do when they experience trauma-- they shake it out of their body, and then they are done with it. Best thing I've found to do is go ground out in nature, be extra gentle with myself for a little while, and breathe through it. Music helps. Movement helps (I love to walk or hike).

Usually after a little time like this, I feel great and much more centered and at peace, which is how I know it's working. Stuff like EMDR and EFT are intense, and can have this kind of effect, but I think it's a small price to pay to have a "fast track" to healing from these therapies. Hopefully your Therapist is encouraging you to trust yourself, trust your own body's intelligence, and trust the process even though its uncomfortable at times.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks SweetFreedom, that does make sense. I appreciate your perspective. My T didn't say much about what could happen outside therapy but she is responsive to email and always validates, explores, and normalizes anything I report that comes up between sessions. I think she doesn't want to influence the process. Just encourages me to observe.

I'm probably flight/fawn or flight/freeze. I do have elements of fight in me as well and certain situations really bring it out. But readingbthrough again, flight makes thenmost sense with the patterns in my life.

I've gone through several emdr sessions now and can hardly believe the progressions in realizations and integration. Therapy coupled with this forum has been an incredible journey so far. And it's only been a couple months. Each session is usually less scary although I had a target around abandonment open for a week and that was a very hard week where I felt suspicious of everyone but also utterly alone. I agree that the after effects seem to manifest in similar ways to what came up during therapy or the original trauma if I didn't fully feel it at the time. I have been allowing myself to feel it all and reminding myself that I am feeling the past and these reactions do not reflect my present reality or future possibilities.

I tend to go for long walks every day, myself. I live near a park with both a small forest and some water so I have good natural grounding opportunities. I also started bringing a grounding stone with me to therapy. It helped last week.

I have been documenting my experiences in my recovery journal if you are curious, but naturally it may be triggering to read. I have a change in my schedule this week, too, an hour and a half session once this week, rather than two one hour sessions, to see if that works better.

"Rung like a bell" is great! Funny and apt.