being lied to

Started by Smoke, June 29, 2016, 12:53:47 PM

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Smoke

Hi everyone!

I've just come out of a 2yo relationship with a person who was very special to me.
We had an open relationship although we never talked about us in form of "lovers/partners", we always told everyone that we were friends because the focus on our relationship was our strong friendship.
We would see each other almost everyday and do almost everything together, we even made plans about sharing a two bedroom flat.

Throughout our relationship I've sometimes been suspicious of him and feeling like he was lying to me or betraying me.
Eventually I got over those thoughts and we worked through it.

Now I recently found out that my suspicions was right, he is a compulsive liar and have been lying to me about almost everything.
From small everyday things like sports he used to do to really traumatic events in his life that he have been talking about repeatedly and even crying about.
It turns out he made everything up just to make me feel a certain way which makes me feel so used.

I'd like to read stories that are similar to mine or talk to people who have gone through the same things but it's hard to find any information.
This guy has already apologized to my friends whom he sometimes spend time with since he has no other friends and they don't really care since they don't know him that well.
In my case I knew I had to distance myself from him lest my codependence would get the better of me.

It's hard for me to get angry about this as I have so much in my life that I should be angry about anyway but.. I just can't deal with that emotion because I'd just get frustrated.
Instead I think a lot about how horrible it must be to be him and feel like you have to lie and create a new persona in order to fit in with someone.
But on the other hand I feel like what he did is not ok and that I am not a person he can use like that.

I just really need to talk to someone about this who understands what it's like to feel betrayed yet again.
I have already chosen to not speak or visit him anymore but I know that I will eventually bump in to him since we live in a small town and he still hangs out with my friends.

Sometimes I get so anxious that I don't feel like living anymore.
I've made contact with the psychiatric hospital in my area but help seems so far away.
Right now I feel pretty ok but this morning was horrible.

If you wonder about him I know for sure that he has severe ADHD and have been taking prescription pills for it.
He was about to go down to a smaller dose since he felt so good without his pills (with doctors approval) but after the break up he is back to being irrational and impulsive.
I told him that only therapy can help him but I doubt that he will go to therapy, I think he'll just try and create a new life where he can cling to the illusion of himself that he created with me since he has no clue of who he really is.

Dutch Uncle

#1
Hi Smoke  :wave:  and welcome to Out of the Storm.   :hug:

Quote from: Smoke on June 29, 2016, 12:53:47 PM
Now I recently found out that my suspicions was right, he is a compulsive liar and have been lying to me about almost everything.
From small everyday things like sports he used to do to really traumatic events in his life that he have been talking about repeatedly and even crying about.
It turns out he made everything up just to make me feel a certain way which makes me feel so used.

I'd like to read stories that are similar to mine or talk to people who have gone through the same things but it's hard to find any information.
Being lied to regularly and deliberately is sometimes also referred to as Gaslighting. It's horrible, I can relate.

QuoteIt's hard for me to get angry about this as I have so much in my life that I should be angry about anyway but.. I just can't deal with that emotion because I'd just get frustrated.
Instead I think a lot about how horrible it must be to be him and feel like you have to lie and create a new persona in order to fit in with someone.
[...]
If you wonder about him I know for sure that he has severe ADHD and have been taking prescription pills for it.
He was about to go down to a smaller dose since he felt so good without his pills (with doctors approval) but after the break up he is back to being irrational and impulsive.
I told him that only therapy can help him but I doubt that he will go to therapy, I think he'll just try and create a new life where he can cling to the illusion of himself that he created with me since he has no clue of who he really is.
I can relate to this as well. However, He does what he does. For whatever reason. It really doesn't matter.
Do remind yourself at times he just told you a bunch of lies, for years on end. You don't have to de-entangle the web he has spun. You can't even. You don't know what's true or not, and he'll as easily lie to you again and again. Frankly I'm not wondering about him at all. But I can so relate that you do. You've said it earlier: "It turns out he made everything up just to make me feel a certain way". That's exactly what types like him do.
And they are masters in doing so.  :no:

QuoteI just really need to talk to someone about this who understands what it's like to feel betrayed yet again.
I've made contact with the psychiatric hospital in my area but help seems so far away.
Right now I feel pretty ok but this morning was horrible.
I'm glad you found us, joined and shared your experience.  :thumbup: as well for reaching out to professional help. I hope, wish and trust you'll find this site and community will be a place of understanding and support. Many of us have been the target of emotional manipulators and other kinds of abuse.
You are not alone in this.

Welcome again,
:hug:
Dutch Uncle

Smoke

Thank you so much Dutch Uncle for your answer!
It feels good that you understand what I'm talking about.

Maybe I should tell you that I have been a member here since before but forgot my password and was unable to have another one sent to my email. My name was Bimsy back then.

I know about gaslighting but didn't think of it that way, when I saw the movie "Gaslights" I thought that gaslighting is only something that someone does to confuse you so that you don't question them.
This person actively lied to get sympathy and his body language and emotions seemed consistent with the things he told me even though he was a pretty bad liar at times.
But I guess it can all be a part of the smoke and mirrors that is gaslighting.. I think I'll read a bit more about it again to see what I feel.
It's always hard to understand how someone can act this way but that is probably because I am comparing him to normal people and not emphatically damaged people.

Contessa

I don't like the lying either. Big no no.

Would love to watch that movie :)

Dutch Uncle

An earlier (1940) version is online on YouTube. It's badly cropped, and I haven't watched it my self.
Gaslight 1940

From the wikipedia entry on the 1944 version:
"Encouraged by the success of the play and the British 1940 film, MGM bought the remake rights, but with a clause insisting that all existing prints of the first film be destroyed,[3] even to the point of trying to destroy the negative.[4][5] Evidently that order was not honored to the letter, since the 1940 Gaslight is still safely available for both theatrical and TV exhibition."

The Youtube entries on the 1944 version are all either fake or link to obscure sites (presumably. I haven't tried).

Contessa

Thanks Dutch Uncle  :)

Silly MGM

Dutch Uncle

I guess the good part of it is the copyright police don't care about the 1940 version. They may even not hold the copyright anymore since they destroyed the masters?

Let me know if you watch it and liked it. I may have a look than as well.

Danaus plexippus

It was on PBS REEL 13, presumably uncut. Excellent movie! Very suspenseful, a timeless classic.

Contessa

Just watched it Dutch Uncle. Very good movie! And very  of its time. Would love to see an updated version for present time be made.

I recently saw a movie called 'The Gift' (2015). It was written, directed and starred Joel Edgerton, a well known Australian actor. The main characters Robyn, Simon and Gordo all related well with me in some way in regard to my CPTSD. The script is not melodramatic, quite subtle as far as movies go.

*Trigger Warning* - involves themes surrounding bullying, stalking, physical violence, sexual assault... check out the imdb profile. Very good movie also. Recommend it, but not if easily triggered. Can be quite confronting.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4178092/

Three Roses


Dutch Uncle