Dealing with Abandonment from Relationship

[Ronin]

Hey all, it's been a while since I posted. My life has been...uummm...interesting since my last post.

I've been working really hard on my issues, but have gotten stuck. It's probably not surprising that everything seems to come down to abandonment which is really just a lack of self-love and self-esteem. I know that it will take time to build those.

What I'm trying to figure out is how to deal with the loneliness, pain, and anxiety that I feel in the meantime. I've been sitting with the emotions for several days now. They seem to be getting worse rather than better.

I know that in "normal" situations, the suggests are things like "go out and meet new people," "go for a walk," or "keep yourself busy." Meeting new people when I feel like this is hard, well harder than normal. Because I feel abandoned (even though I created my situation in my last relationship), I feel lower than normal. It's hard to see any good in myself. If I try to focus on the other person rather than myself, all that goes through my head are things like "I'm annoying them." "They don't actually want to talk to me." etc.

I've been making some huge changes in my life, perhaps too many at once. I've cut out my most toxic relationship, which was part of the demise of my romantic one. I have stopped self-medicating. I have started working on my issues. My former romantic partner said that she might be interested in reconciling, but needs time to decide. Of course, I take this as abandonment.

Well, that was quite a ramble. My emotions are all over the place right now. If anyone has any suggestions for quick, temporary relief when I get like this, I would truly appreciate them.

[Dutch Uncle]

Quick and/or temporary relief? I'm sorry, but I don't think I can give you that.
But perhaps I'm wrong.

Because I feel abandoned (even though I created my situation in my last relationship), I feel lower than normal.

I probably missed your story, but how exactly did you cause this 'abandonment' yourself? Seems a bit of an oxymoron: "creating ones own abandonment". But I could be wrong.

My former romantic partner said that she might be interested in reconciling, but needs time to decide.

To be frank:      from the side of your ex-GF. She's keeping you hooked. You just have to keep waiting boy, than perhaps everything will be OK.
NOT !
How about you decide if you want to reconcile? And if you do, do you want to start reconciling now, or wait for her? You're not completely out of options here. And you probably have a lot more options than the two I suggested you have.

Of course, I take this as abandonment.

Emotionally I understand very well, and I certainly can and do relate. Probably (but I'm also just recovering from similar things, so what do I know) it's triggering feelings, emotions, and gives you EF's to the original abandonment. Be that her leaving you, you kicking her out,  or even previous abandonments, or a mix of all of them.
Logically speaking this can't be abandonment. She's already gone. Somebody who is already gone, or already has abandoned you, cannot abandon you by not coming back. That's probably not much comfort at the moment, but it's important to get to know the difference between the two, IMHO.

I hope this helped a bit. Breaking up is always so hard to do, and I think I'm the worst break-up survivor there is. Anything above I never really practiced myself.
Well, not previously. In my current break-ups with my FOO I'm learning and learning to practice this. But it's still hard.

[Three Roses]

You do sound really informed, and I think you have the answers already within you.

I'm happy for you that you've stopped medicating. For relief, perhaps you could do some deep-breathing, or yoga, or visualization? Or maybe Journaling? These are things that help me. It's tempting to run from our overwhelming feelings, but feeling them and looking at them is key.

Nice to meet you, and good hunting

[Ronin]

Dutch:

I didn't think so, but thought that I'd ask. 

Well, you definitely missed this part of the story. For the last six months of my R with her, I maintained a friendship with another ex. Nothing but friends mind you, but still not cool. She asked repeatedly that end the friendship. I didn't because the other ex "made me feel safe because she could not hurt me" and I needed someone to talk to as I started to work through my FOO issues and CPTSD. The most recent ex was, however, in a position to hurt me, and did numerous times. After over a month of nothing but fighting, and I mean nothing. I ended the R, but kept the friendship with the other woman.

Two months of NC, and I missed my current ex terribly. I kept the friendship. The friend wanted a romantic R with me, but I didn't. Been there, done that. I reached out to the current ex and we talked about getting back together. Lots of ILY, but I don't trust you talks. The door was closed, but not slammed or locked. Part of the deal was that I had to cease all contact with the friend. I did.

So, that's why I say that I feel abandoned, but caused it myself. In the end, I got exactly what I was trying to avoid. I'm now alone and vulnerable.

I've already decided that I want to reconcile and I'm doing things to work towards that. I've been in therapy for the CPTSD for two months now (I know that is just a scratch on the surface), I'm learning all that I can about what happened to me, what I caused, and what I need to change. I'm starting to live my life for myself. I've gone NC with the members of my FOO that are problems. There is more that I can do, and I'm working on that. I've adopted the idea that if she decides not to come along, that's her choice. But, I won't wait forever and have put an internal deadline on how long I'm willing to wait for her return.

It's this time that I'm leaving her to make her choice that is causing me to feel abandoned because of her NC with me.

I completely get what you're saying about her not being able to abandon me since we aren't together though. I strongly suspect that the root of this goes back to my mother and my desire to have her validation. I'm doing the same thing with my ex. I want her to validate all of the changes that I've been making. Since she (take your pick on which she, it applies to both) isn't giving me the validation I have been triggered. While I'm proud of myself for my changes, I haven't learned to completely self-validate yet.

[Ronin]

Nice to meet you too!

Yeah, I think that I just don't like the answers and I'm looking for a quick fix where one doesn't exist. I'm so used to self-medicating that actually facing all of this hard, very hard.

I practice "square breathing" quite a bit. I also spend a lot of time talking to and hugging my inner child hoping to make him feel safe. My inner critic isn't quite as noisy as he used to be. Man, my outer critic yelling right now though.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Ronin, thanks for sharing the story how this came about.
Yes, I understand much better why you feel you have created this abandonment you experience.

I think it's great you have set an internal deadline on the time you allow yourself for this reconciliation to happen (or start happening). 

Take care, and I hope and wish this will have the progress you wish for.
In the meanwhile: Keep on keeping on. 

Dutch.

[Ronin]

There has been an "interesting" development this morning. She called and asked me about a business proposition.

We both make jewelry, and she thinks that she is going to be able to sell hers at the place where the new guy in her life (she swears that she's just friends and hasn't decided what to do about me) works.

Part of me feels like she's using me. But, since I'd be making money too, am I actually being used? Part of me feels like she's just stringing me along to make sure that I'm still under her control. Part of me is hopeful (I'm trying really hard to keep that in check).

I'm awash with confusion and anxiety now.

[Dutch Uncle]

Base your decision on the business part of it only. And make sure you have a business talk with the new guy as well. It's his place after all. If all this has to go via her, it will leave you vulnerable. Maybe she just wants to be friends with her, but want about him?
You'll never find out, so make the business a solid business.

[Ronin]

Thank you again for the response.

Yeah, I need to make sure that it works all the way around. But, it isn't his place, he's just an employee there.

Anyway, I agree, she may just want to be friends, he may want more. I'll never know.

I did find a way to calm myself today though. I remembered that is all out of my control. But, what really helped me was that I was allowing my anxiety to control my thoughts and that I was borrowing trouble.

Essentially, I was ignoring what she was telling me, that they are just friends, and imposing my own filters on her words. Trust is hard for me, she knows that. In fact, per her, it's our respective trust issues that are now keeping us apart. I guess that one of us needs to start trusting.  Since I cannot control her, I guess it will have to be me.

[Three Roses]

What an awesome way to see it!