Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

October 25th and the first day of my journal. 

It's a good day to start as I've had an fairly good EF which started yesterday and rolled on over into today.  I want to capture here what I  wrote in a post in another forum:

Yesterday morning at 6 AM our time, Ottawa called to tell my H that his file had made it to the pensions office (he retired from the Cdn Army in Jun and we have been chasing his file from level to level), and that it would take another 2 months to process.  Are you f****** kidding us?!  Wham, right into a huge angry EF, not at my H (although there was some of that), but at the big bureaucratic machine that is the CF and which doesn't always respond to individuals as it should.  My H, always a positive kind of guy said something to the effect of "Well at least we know when we'll have our money." Undoubtedly he could not see my face in the dark.

So we have been without income for 4 full months and it will be another 2 before we see anything.  Lovely. And tied to that is our medical and dental plan so anything not covered by the province will be on our hook until the plan kicks back in and it can be reimburse. I shot back into all the emotions I felt in my FOO over the ongoing unfairness they doled out and having to suck it up because I didn't have a choice when I was younger,  and when I was older and did speak up how much punishment that rained down on me.

The CF has a "Depart with Dignity" program when any member retires and I have to say as an organization this whole pension business completely misses the mark - we are not the only ones who had long delays and that just should NOT be the case. Although it's not meant to be this not having the money we are owed and being told we'll have to wait another 2 months is not fair and feels like punishment I can do nothing about except suck it up.

Anyway, about the EF - I thought it would be good since I am in the throes of an angry EF to talk about it here.  After my H told me (and there has been a lot of this kind of thing with the CF in the last 5 years in particular - bureaucratic nonsense that has ramifications for us),  I had a whoosh kind of feeling, a detachment/ fogginess and deep anger.  I felt like I couldn't think straight and I was just immersed in these awful feelings of being at someone else's mercy for my well-being, and such a deep frustration and anger that there was little that I could do  (I did come up with a few things today but could not even think then).

And there was no soothing I wanted to try even though I knew I was flashing back, I just wanted to dissociate.  So I took a sleeping pill and went back to bed.  I only got up to take another sleeping pill last night (plus my daily meds) and went back to sleep until this morning.  I woke up still feeling foggy and angry which is unusual as normally a day's worth of dissociating clears the clag of anger so to speak.  So I talked with my H and told him what I thought we need to do - to get in touch with his last Commander and ask him to talk to Ottawa about expediting the file (he is reluctant because he was an officer and for him this is akin to complaining but he relented when I asked what he would do if it was one of his soldiers in this situation and he admitted he would go to bat for them).  As for me, I decided to write a friend about what was going on and post here.

So what I need to do is "lift and separate" as the old Playtex bra commercial went lol.  Lift up the blanket of old stuff and separate it from the situation today.  Neither were fair but they are not really linked in any way other than my feeling powerless and anger when I am in a situation that is unfair and over which I have little control.

So my H and I have figured out what we will do about today's situation and I have a few thoughts about what I may myself do (contact the military ombudsman so this stops happening to retiring members), and as for the past I am thinking of writing an unsent letter to my FOO about all the unfairness I endured at their hands and how it felt not to have a voice or choice.    Hopefully, all together this will move me out of the EF.  I feel somewhat better already so tks for reading the rant!

I rarely if ever have talked about EFs to anyone and I'm so glad I did.  Next time I hope to catch it before I end up dissociating for an entire day but at least it didn't go on and on like they can, and I did try and do something today when I woke up still angry.  Yay me!

[keepfighting]

 

I am so sorry you and your h are treated so unjustly! Where's the dignity in any of this?

I like your idea of writing to the ombudsman. It's a strong, positive action to take and hopefully will help that others won't have to suffer the same injustice as you are facing now.

As for the need to dissociate to deal with this EF: 

Sometimes it's all there's left to do to be able to deal with things. There's no shame in it - sometimes losing a day to dissociation is what it takes to regroup and gather some strength (body and mind) to be able to deal with life again. For me, the gain is not in never dissociating any more, but in the lowering the frequency of having to use dissociation as a last resort.

You're a trooper, Kizzie - even in a situation like this you think of ways to help others. That's awesome! 

[Kizzie]

Tks all, it sure feels like a betrayal at worst and a gap in the process at least - in any event the system needs a good kick in the butt so no-one goes through this in the future.

I like the idea of positive action too Keep Fighting, so often in my FOO it was all about retaliation, punishment, anger, even rage when any conflict arose.  In this case least there are avenues for fixing a system that has a bit of a broken part at least.  Wish it were so with PDs!

[Kizzie]

Tks everyone for your suggestions and support     BeHealthy, we do have provincial medical coverage here, it's our extended coverage that isn't rolling yet so we have to pay for medications, certain services (psychologist or psychiatrist, physiotherapy, dental) and then submit a claim for reimbursement when the plan kicks in.  So we will get a percentage back but it can be a lot out of pocket.  Fortunately we have had the resources but after five months we're having to tap into some we don't want to and more to the point shouldn't have to.  We do have someone at my H's last HQ advocating for us now so hopefully that will expedite the slowing moving machine that is the CF pension office. I am seeing a T at our local community health centre so that is covered and tk goodness for that, private ones are really expensive.

It really did feel like a betrayal, but I've used the "lift and separate" or Playtex bra technique and separated out what belongs in the past and the present so it is not sending me into an EF at least, I just have some annoyance and consternation which is understandable and a "normal" reaction imo. 

I must admit I really hate being EF'd like that (hah, using EF as a verb now lol). I did not see it coming and it flattened me so it makes getting on with some IC work so I am aware of my triggers all that much more important.

Onward!

[Badmemories]

Kizzy,
I don't know about Canada, but in USA when we have problems like that We call on or e-Mail our local congressman. Even IF congress IS in session, every Congressman has a secretary and an Office in their district.  They seem to have some kind of pull... even IF it is a good OLE BOY thing! 

May the good Lord take care of Your needs!
Keep on Keeping on! 

[Kizzie]

Thanks BadMemories, I am going to get ahold of our military ombudsman's office and start the ball rolling there.   We had word yesterday from my H's last HQ that they are are trying to get my H's file expedited at the CF Pension office so fingers crossed it will not drag on for another 2 months as they originally told us.

Love those hugs!  Backatcha   

[Kizzie]

So tomorrow I see my T for the third time and it is not without some trepidation because I know we will be doing more IC work and frankly it scares me.  I can intellectualize about IC work until the cows come home, but getting in there and feeling it - GAK!

Anyway, in thinking about tomorrow's appointment I suddenly realized that the big angry EF I had about 10 days ago was two days after my second appt with him.  Why I did not see that it contributed to that EF (and he had warned me that there might be some fallout) I have no idea, but I missed it.  No wonder the EF came on so quickly and strongly and that all I wanted to do was dissociate, my IC was closer to the surface. I knew that the past was layering over the present in that EF (yay, progress!), but was more than a little concerned about why it was so intense (i.e., I don't want to be knocked to my knees like that, so "suddenly" and seemingly without warning).

A little epiphany but an important one and I shall try to be more aware of IC triggers after this next appointment given she's peeking out from behind the wall more.

[schrödinger's cat]

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[somnambulist]

I hope things went well Kizzie, positive thoughts your way!

[Kizzie]

Tks for the TLC!  Actually therapy went much better than expected, but support is always good 

I told my T about my angry EF and instead of IC work this session we did some CBT, mindfulness and mediation.  Phew, I was not looking forward to jostling my IC again, especially with work being so busy right now.  I am really pleased that T did not push but is instead helping me to build skills that will help with grounding/soothing myself. I think this skill building is essential as I am starting to feel the feelings I have stuffed and run from for so long. 

Underneath the anger and fear is a cold grayness which I think is the abandonment depression Walker talks about  - scares me so much as I feel like if I acknowledge it it will drag me under and that this is what I've been running from (going under).  Cat recently reminded me (and tks so much for doing so Cat),  that these EFs can actually represent recovery rather than being in that same old place of being overwhelmed by feelings and ghosts from the past. Walker talks a lot about this, about holding steady through the EFs as they will become less intense, and fewer and fewer.  I hope he's right. It's one thing reading that and another going through them, that's for sure.

On the pension side of things (the trigger for my EF), my H's last HQ has gone to bat for us and our file will be expedited - huzzah!!! Once the $$ are flowing we will look at getting in touch with either Veteran's Affairs or the military ombudsman or both. 

[schrödinger's cat]

   Glad to hear your file will be processed faster. Phew.

[Kizzie]

Small epiphanies which add up 

It's interesting that in not being on here as much, when I do pop in and read a bit I find I am having little epiphanies more often than not.

A couple of posts yesterday helped me to see clearly that much of my Social Anxiety comes from having been trained to be a prop in other people's plays, to respond to their needs and to submerge my self and my needs.  In the past when I was around others I would begin to fade, to become opaque and to act as though I was in a play of sorts n which the script is everyone else's except mine.  So, there's part of the reason for feeling like an imposter - oftentimes I was acting! (The other half of course has to do with overly high standards, perfectionism and not giving myself credit.) 

Anyway, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to act rather than to be which goes a lon g way toward explaining the "function in public, collapse in private" reaction I have had on so many occasions in the past, social events in particular.  I did not actually want to isolate myself from others and yet to be social was to lose my self, me - the proverbial rock and a hard place. 

I think the clarity in reading posts also had to do with having a conversation about Kate Gosselin of all things (Kate Plus 8 reality show).  I watched a show the other night and could not figure out why she triggered me (everything is so perfect) which I was telling my ever-so-patient H about, and then I realized, "The kids are props to her"  just like I was in my PD FOO.  My M was a stealth N and while everything looked fine on the outside, it was most definitely not fine for my B and I - we were merely actors in her play as Kate's kids are in hers. 

The new medication I am on  -- Celexa -- has really helped to damp that whole fading thing and because of that I am being much more authentic these days.  Now that I have some real clarity on this aspect of my SA I will also try to be more invested in being the author of my life.

No more fading!
   

[Kizzie]

Nov 18 PS - I actually bought crayons for my IC yesterday and am going to practice letting her be her authentic self.

[zazu]

Good for you, Kizzie! It's great you're having those epiphanies and I bet your inner child will be happy with the crayons.   

[keepfighting]

Hi, Kizzie,

glad you and your inner child are doing so well. 

Keep on spoiling the both of you.

Cheers! kf