Kizzie's Journal

Snowdrop · August 16, 2019, 05:10:24 AM

Kizzie · August 16, 2019, 04:55:28 PM

I am beginning to feel better b/c my H and I are talking and that has helped as has sharing here so tks everyone,.

I have to say I haven't felt that shaky in a long time. It has been a very real, up close and awful reminder of how trauma affected me at very deep levels both physically and psychologically back in my childhood and has carried through to my sixties. I was a kid again and at the mercy of my parents who were supposed to love me, but I did not seem to matter and was powerless to do anything to change things, just endure, survive, exist - all with a smile on my face.

As an adult I'm not in the same position, I do have power and a voice and my H loves me, but it felt the same. The feelings were horrible and it has been a very painful, frightening reminder of how much child me suffered and the compassion, care, kindness and connection I need, .... that we all need

.

sanmagic7 · August 16, 2019, 05:23:08 PM

i hate that we have to have those reminders. sometimes, they help me get out of continuing denial about how much i suffered, so i suppose they can be beneficial in one sense. still, i wish none of us would have them sneak up on us. we've suffered enough.

so glad you and your H are talking more lately. that's great, and can go a long way toward becoming closer as a couple. love and hugs

Not Alone · August 16, 2019, 05:37:29 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on August 16, 2019, 04:55:28 PM
As an adult I'm not in the same position, I do have power and a voice and my H loves me, but it felt the same. The feelings were horrible and it has been a very painful, frightening reminder of how much child me suffered and the compassion, care, kindness and connection I need, .... that we all need .

The feelings are horrible. Glad you were able to use your voice. Supporting you.

Jdog · August 16, 2019, 07:42:45 PM

Kizzie-

I am so sorry you are having to cope with both H's distress and your own, past and present. I very much understand what it is like living with an angry person. I admire the way in which you aren't working with the situation at home, getting H to see how you feel, working with him to be able to uncover his own feelings.

You once again lead by example. Thank you for sharing this very hard situation. Sending love and compassion as things calm down and begin to heal.

Kizzie · August 17, 2019, 08:19:31 PM

Our house just sold yesterday so that is both a relief and a worry because now we really must make a decision about what my H is going to do career-wise. I am trying to reassure younger me by continuing to connect and talk things out but I can't lie, part of me, younger me -- is afraid and I get that.

I hadn't realized a lot of the fear may come from being so incredibly triggered by Trump's NPD behaviour over the past 2-3 yrs (i.e., primed nervous system or at least still recovering after going back to therapy to deal with it). That whole feeling of nothing I do or say matters, I don't matter, I am invisible, powerless ..... that's what this felt a lot like except instead of dissociating I went into full blown panic - the shaky feeling I mentioned, like my self was coming apart and in real danger vs the depression and dissociation I experienced b/c of being so triggered by Trump's N behav.

I don't care about Trump, but I love my H and do not want to lose him. It's a very real present day fear layered on top by past trauma - the old double whammy if you will. The amount of energy and inner resources that takes is phenomenal but unless you have a good grasp of trauma people don't see/understand what people like us are go through to keep our heads above water so to speak.

Anyway, my H doesn't have NPD so I am trying to reassure myself and especially younger me but all the fear chemicals, traumatic memories and feelings are so hard to calm as I know you all know only too well.

Tks again everyone

Three Roses · August 17, 2019, 08:31:00 PM

will be thinking of you...

Blueberry · August 17, 2019, 09:27:12 PM

Quote from: Three Roses on August 17, 2019, 08:31:00 PM
will be thinking of you...

You seem to have a lot of clarity about your emotions and why you're triggered. I do know that intellectual clarity doesn't calm our feelings/triggers down but it is a step along the way.

You do matter! Of course you're not invisible on here! But even for your H you aren't. Remember the tea incident when your H was sick? Your thoughts and feelings were pretty clear to him once you started showing them and talking about them. You set your limit. You're moving forwards atm

Jdog · August 18, 2019, 12:00:41 AM

Sending love and support

Kizzie · August 18, 2019, 04:20:41 PM

You're so right about intellectual clarity not being the same thing as emotional clarity BB

My mind knows one thing, my body another and my heart is between the two if that makes sense.

My H is struggling with a lot right now and it has triggered me so I'm struggling too - usually it's not the two of us in a bad place at the same time. We went another round about where to move and what to do yesterday (when I say "round" I'm referring to a clash of wills, not anything emotionally/ physically abusive). In the end we could not connect and as much as I wanted to I did not drink, instead I dissociated when I could not take it any more. I keep trying to reassure younger me that he is going through a lot and not himself and will come out of it at some point, but man oh man she is having a hard time.

Blueberry · August 18, 2019, 04:23:14 PM

for Adult you and younger you.

for not drinking but I'm sorry things are so tough you dissociated.

Three Roses · August 18, 2019, 04:46:28 PM

Dear Kizzie, I'm so sorry to hear what a rough time you're having. And, my heart goes out to your H as well. Moving is SO stressful - selling a home and relocating is a very hard thing to do, even if it's a positive move.

My Young Me is going to spend some time running and laughing on the beach of the Healing Porch. She might like to color a little bit, too. Your Younger You is invited to join us if she wants. She likes campfires and s'mores so we'll be down on the beach at dusk.

Not Alone · August 18, 2019, 05:36:56 PM

For not drinking. Sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Selling a house, deciding where to live, relationships---all really stressful.

to all of you.

Tee · August 19, 2019, 01:06:42 PM

Kizzie · August 19, 2019, 06:15:25 PM

Happy to say we have finally managed to get back on solid ground after the emotional road blocks (past trauma) and can deal with present stress of selling, moving & retiring together. My H is tenacious which made him an excellent army officer and helped him survive his own family trauma but OMG it can be incredibly difficult when it comes to dealing with our life issues. At least with him I know it is temporary & eventually we will reconnect emotionally unlike my family but it takes a toll.

Anyway, he finally let go of the fight & freeze responses he was having and is connecting with me again. I could almost see something click in him and then he shifted back into himself, it's much like what happens when I come out of being triggered. Yesterday I made sure I emphasized how much I loved him and knew he was struggling and that we could work through everything, we always have.

Just wanted to say thanks again for your support and encouragement