Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

I have not written anything here or posted much on the forum for quite a while as have just been trying to keep my head above water since my H had a stroke at the end of Aug.  I recognize though that part of self-care is expressing some of what I've been going through and dealing with it outwardly versus keeping it all inside - can't suggest others do so if I don't myself   

It has been truly awful for my H and I. I've heard people say something like this turns your life upside down in an instant and it's absolutely true.  It's a PTSD making moment in time, followed by CPTSD triggering afterwards in some respects as we try to navigate our way through recovery during COVID.

There is such vulnerability when you are trapped in a situation that makes you so dependent on others for health and well being .... just like when I was a kid.  I've really struggled to stay regulated in the face of less than professional care at times (most of the staff are great), and to deal with all the stresses and strains having my H in care brings with it.  I have screamed alone in my house and driving, punched my pillow, cried buckets and have considered drinking but that never helped so so far I haven't.  I am overeating though, my go to strategy when I want to numb/comfort. I was going to the hospital and rehab centre every single day but knew I couldn't keep that up so am taking a day off every week now, and not staying quite as long as I was. It helps.

It's brought trauma from my H's past to the surface too and he is struggling.  The other day he told me he keeps hearing his FOO's voices in his head telling him it was only a small stroke, that he's not doing enough to recover     He has always been a confident, grounded person so that was a bit of a shock to hear. Ghosts from the past seem to take up more real estate when we are vulnerable.   

I have to head off but guess the one thing I can say that has helped the most throughout is taking control where I can and letting go where I can't.  Hard to do of course but when I keep it in mind it helps (as does trying to practice more self-care).  Hopefully writing a bit more here will also help release some of the anger/grief/sadness and trauma. 

[Bach]

Thank you for the update, Kizzie.  I've been wondering how you and your H were doing.  Hugs and good wishes to both of you.

[woodsgnome]

All I can say -- 

All I can say again -- 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Kizzie I just wanted to send you my best wishes and to say how strong I think you're being in coping and sharing too.

[Not Alone]

Hi Kizzie. I'm proud of you for not drinking, for allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling and for taking care of yourself the best that you can. 

[marta1234]

  sending you much love Kizzie 

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
Thinking of  you and your husband.  I would also like to send you a hug 
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Tks so much everyone 

I remember a day when I would not have said anything to anyone about this, especially not about the CPTSD bits.  It's just so wonderful to have this tribe I must say and to be able to express what I couldn't growing up and long into adulthood. 

I hope against hope we are helping to give voice to relational trauma so that younger generations won't go through what so many of us did.  No more silence, no more going it alone and one day no more relational trauma (I can always hope on the last one  )

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

 

[Snookiebookie2]

I hope against hope we are helping to give voice to relational trauma so that younger generations won't go through what so many of us did. 

Kizzie you DO give a voice to those with trauma.  This platform is valuable to so many of us.  And I see you on other platforms raising awareness too.

Thank you for all you do x

Sending you hugs 

[marta1234]

  thank you Kizzie for your hard work, I'm always grateful for your fight for relational trauma awareness (if I can say so) 

[Kizzie]

Off to visit my H but first, BIG group hug     Tks everyone 

[Hope67]

 

[Sceal]