Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Thanks for the support and encouragement KF and Zazu   

Update on the whole pension issue - we just heard back that my H's file has been expedited and we should see the money tap turn on this week or next. What a relief and just in time for Christmas - huzzah!

[Rain]

YEAH!!!!!!

Jingle money for the holidays. 

Finally.........

[Kizzie]

Yes, we are going to get our jingle on that's for darn sure! 

[Kizzie]

Well, no jingle infortunately - the pension folks are still dithering!!!!   Well, at least it didn't trigger another big EF.  We and friends have done all that we can to push the big machine into moving more quickly but it continues to plod along - so be it.  We do not have control beyond what we have already done so I'm (mostly) letting it go.  Argh though 

Despite the $$$$ hiccup, we had a lovely holiday  .  My son heads back to university tomorrow so that's a bit of a downer  but we squeezed a lot in in the two weeks he was here so lots of great memories to keep us warm in the deep dark of winter.

[schrödinger's cat]

Glad to hear it. And I hope the money issue gets cleared up soon so the waiting is over.

[Kizzie]

Tks Cat, I hope you feel a bit better now - the last post I read you were struggling a bit.  The whole struggling thing gets old doesn't it?  I've just had a period where I felt rested, happy and hopeful and when I look backward I see that it's one of the few times I have ever felt as at ease (despite no pension money STILL!). 

Looking back I realize that OOTF and OOTS have made an enormous difference for me, and that I am actually seeing recovery beginning to take root. When I look back to the first post I made at OOTF I was so very deeply confused and upset, last year I struggled with drinking and big panic attacks and here finally is what feels like solid ground. 

Since June (when my NPDM came for a visit) I have begun to feel, to believe that the NPDs in my life cannot pull the rug out from underneath me in real life, and the power of their ghosts is beginning to wane internally. Even the cold, gray, bleak depression I was feeling upon wakening or going to sleep has started to morph more into something akin to assertiveness and more of a sense of certainty about my rights and boundaries.  I think this is the abandonment depression Walker talks about beginning to turn outward into more of a healthy anger than hot anger. 

Anyway, I know I will continue to struggle, to have EFs, to dissociate, to be depressed and so on, but I suspect this will be less intensely and often than in the past, and that life will not be as much of a struggle as it has been. Huzzah! 

Thanks to all of you for being such an important part of my journey 

[wingnut]

What an upbeat and positive post - great to hear, Kizzie! Congrats on making positive strides.

[schrödinger's cat]

Yay!    And thanks again for starting this forum. It's made an enormous difference for me too.

[Whobuddy]

Looking back I realize that OOTF and OOTS have made an enormous difference for me, and that I am actually seeing recovery beginning to take root. When I look back to the first post I made at OOTF I was so very deeply confused and upset, last year I struggled with drinking and big panic attacks and here finally is what feels like solid ground. 

Since June (when my NPDM came for a visit) I have begun to feel, to believe that the NPDs in my life cannot pull the rug out from underneath me in real life, and the power of their ghosts is beginning to wane internally. Even the cold, gray, bleak depression I was feeling upon wakening or going to sleep has started to morph more into something akin to assertiveness and more of a sense of certainty about my rights and boundaries.  I think this is the abandonment depression Walker talks about beginning to turn outward into more of a healthy anger than hot anger. 

I think that being a part of OOTS puts a dent in the "power of the ghosts." As in: "Ha, you ghosts, I am not alone any more. There are lots of others who understand and care about me!"

[Kizzie]

Really well put WB!   

[schrödinger's cat]

Ghostbusters!

[keepfighting]

Looking back I realize that OOTF and OOTS have made an enormous difference for me, and that I am actually seeing recovery beginning to take root. When I look back to the first post I made at OOTF I was so very deeply confused and upset, last year I struggled with drinking and big panic attacks and here finally is what feels like solid ground. 

[...]

Anyway, I know I will continue to struggle, to have EFs, to dissociate, to be depressed and so on, but I suspect this will be less intensely and often than in the past, and that life will not be as much of a struggle as it has been. Huzzah! 

Thanks to all of you for being such an important part of my journey 

Glad you're doing well, Kizzie! I hope your money will arrive soon - soooo frustrating to have to wait for what is rightfully yours...

Your writing describes so accurately what OOTF and OOTS have taught me: To have realistic expectations of myself and my healing. When I started on OOTF, my main (subconscious) goal  was to make my CPTSD go away and now I realize that I was chasing a very romanticized and unrealistic dream: A place where I could be free of CPTSD and happy all the time. Through the discussions on OOTF and OOTS I have learned that my CPTSD will never go away but that I have the power to reduce the size of the piece of my life that is overshadowed by it. I stopped wanting the impossible and replaced it with the knowledge that though there will be EFs, meltdowns and dark days in my future, I will be able to survive them - and I don't have to face them alone any more, either. 

The whole struggling thing gets old doesn't it?
[...]
Anyway, I know I will continue to struggle, to have EFs, to dissociate, to be depressed and so on, but I suspect this will be less intensely and often than in the past, and that life will not be as much of a struggle as it has been. Huzzah! 

You may struggle - but in doing so you've also grown a lot of new 'muscles'  .

Best wishes! kf

[Kizzie]

KF - That's a great way of looking at recovery; that is, learning to reuse muscles or use some for the first time.   OMG, I am going to have such a "buff brain" lol.   

[Kizzie]

Jan 9th - So last night I went to the African drumming class that I was taking in the fall and what fun to be back!  I was the only beginner there, and everyone knew one another but they were so welcoming my Social Anxiety pinged but did not cause me to run from the room as it might have even 6 months ago.  Huzzah! 

The instructor gave me a big hug when I walked in (they are a hugging kind of group), the class gave me a round of applause at the end of class because I was able to keep up with the style of drumming we are learning (Black Mamba). and I ended up being given a drum to take home to practice on.  My H laughed when he saw me hauling it out to the car  He seems to get a real kick out of my hobby and said on the way home how nice it was to see me having so much fun.

Truth be told I am a little uneasy on some level, but I'm not beating myself up about that. I accept that I will be based on my past, but I am also aware that fun is healthy and nothing bad is going to happen. I want to have this experience, to have fun and what better group to try out some of these tiny nuggets of healthy thinking and feeling? They are friendly, welcoming, and encouraging so there is nor real danger and I can focus on the positive things it brings to my life.  Anyway, if I can manage to learn all the rhythms I can perform with the troupe - again, unthinkable not all that long ago, but within the realm of possibility now. 

Recovery is hard but so worth it 

[Whobuddy]

Kizzie, I am so happy for you!