Kizzie's Journal

[owl25]

I hope you and your H are doing better, Kizzie.

[Kizzie]

We still have more ahead of us but there is a faint light at the end of the tunnel.  Looks like my H will be cleared to come home for overnight passes starting next week and that will raise both our spirits immeasurably I'm sure. The whole living in an institution thing is getting really old for both of us.  There are lots of great staff, but also some who aren't and that's hard when you're trapped and vulnerable as we all know here. Lots of microaggressions from unhappy personal support workers which is like "death by a thousand cuts" - like being around a passive aggressive boss, a parent with covert NPD, that kind of thing. It accumulates and wears you down.

I've filed two formal complaints but the reality is these types of facilities are understaffed and PSWs are underpaid so not sure how much will change. These PSWs are on evening/overnight/weekends and when they're unhappy and not overly well supervised that tends to trickle out to patients.

Fortunately my H is doing well and manages most things on his own as well as is clear headed enough to speak up for himself now.  I worry about those who can't; reminds me of being a kid with little or no power/credibility/protection. It helps me to see and feel so clearly why/how we developed CPTSD/RTR. 

[Sceal]

Sending you some good thoughts, Kizzie. I hope the overnight passes will happen soon.

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
I hope your H's overnight passes are going ok.  I realise I'm writing this a month after you mentioned these, and I really hope he's recuperating ok. 

Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Tks Hope and Sceal!   I guess I need to update my journal because my H has been discharged and is home now.  It's been a bit of a whirlwind getting equipment and modifying the house so haven't been posting much again (my excuse  ).

It such a relief to have him out of the rehab centre as COVID rates in the city are really high like many places.   

[Blueberry]

 

All what you write are good reasons for not posting on here imho

[Kizzie]

You're a sweetie pie BB 

[dollyvee]

Hoping things are more settled for you Kizzie 

[marta1234]

Sending you much love Kizzie  Happy that you're home, and as Blueberry said, a completely good reason for some time away here. 

[Not Alone]

 

[Kizzie]

So having L home and having to care for him 24/7 proved just as stressful if not more so than driving into the city every day and dealing with medical, rehab and support staff.  Just like when we brought T home and all of a sudden there weren't any doctors or nurses around, it was all on us. My alarm system was on 24/7 and that's exhausting because of all the adrenaline and other chemicals/hormones pumping through my system.  Nothing left.

L's steady improvement has helped but the thing that has become so clear to me is just how frightened I am about being abandoned and being all alone. L was struggling, our son was struggling with his own issues and I was struggling.  Not a good time and I've never felt so alone and having to struggle on because it was up to me. 

Neither L nor T seemed to notice or care that I was having such a hard time and that shot me right back to growing up in my family when I was only valuable/noticed by what I could give them.  This felt much the same.  Also, L is difficult when he is ill and didn't seem to appreciate much of what I was doing to help him and it was a lot.

I'm glad it all came to a head a week or so ago.  I fell apart and told him all that I was feeling and that he must try harder.  I yelled, I cried, I was brutally honest about how I was doing and how I had reached my limit. 

he heard me and although I feel wary I'm so releived.  He abandoned me emotionally because of his stroke but also because of his baggage from his family and I was afraid I would have to live with that for whatever time I have left on this planet or leave. 

I now know how terrified and afraid young me must have felt when my parents abandoned me. The difference is he heard me, he is trying to behave differently and that never happened in my family.  Terribly sad and I have a lot of healing to do.  Feeling those feelings again scares me beyond words but I think (hope) looking at it square on will help me to stop running,  dissociating, etc.  I want and deserve a better life. 

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, being a caregiver 24/7 is exhausting. To feel the weight of your husband's physical and emotional needs and T's needs and that they didn't see you sounds really painful. I hear that you have been frightened about being abandoned and being alone. The abandonment as a child, it hurts to the core. 

[Kizzie]

Tks Notalone     I've always felt this abandonment depression as Pete Walker refers to it (http://www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm), just not as clearly and intensely as this before.  My H's stroke brought it to the surface in spades and now I do see it and feel it. Fortunately I am in therapy as I mentioned and I am able to talk about it there and with my H and S, and will continue to do so here. 

I understand why when we're abused/neglected (abandoned), especially as children we adopt certain behaviours like dissociation, identifying with our abusers, denial, trauma responses (flight, fight, flee, fawn), etc., to survive those feelings and why it's so hard to face that abandonment/rejection/threat to our lives physically and/or psychologically. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you for the link Kizzie. I've read PW's book before but it's amazing how much you forget. This is a good tie together of a lot of things I have been experiencing lately.

I'm glad you brought up your feelings to your H and they were heard and validated.  You deserve to be heard.

[Blueberry]

  to you Kizzie and to Little you as well, if it doesn't overwhelm her anyway.