Kizzie's Journal

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #165 on: February 11, 2021, 05:09:16 PM »
We both like hugs now BB, tk you.   :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #166 on: February 16, 2021, 05:08:47 PM »
Looking at my abandonment depression square on and talking about it with L and T has been difficult but at the same time it feels like I am getting more used to it. It has always been there but now it's out on the open within me and w/L and T.  Since I fell apart we've all been trying to be more present for each other and more caring which has helped so much.  My family never heard me or cared but L and T do and want to work together to make things better for ourselves. 

I feel like I should have let this abandonment depression come up to the surface much earlier but recovery doesn't seem to work that way, at least not for me. The amount of stress it took to reveal it and then the stark reality of how alone, worthless, unsafe I feel is good reason to have gone slowly. 

Both L and T have revealed more about their own struggles so we're all trying to be more honest and lean on each other for comfort and support.  We each had a tendency to go off in our corners when something was bothering us, to shut down instead of reaching out honestly and openly.  Part of this for me was because I didn't want to face some really painful things. Hopefully this will change, we need each other. 

I am also going to continue working with C on this - so glad to have her for support and guidance as it's really tough to face this.  I don't think it goes away per se but I hope I can make peace with it, integrate it and use the energy I dedicated to running from/suppressing it for more life affirming, joyful things in my life.   
« Last Edit: February 16, 2021, 05:15:28 PM by Kizzie »

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Blueberry

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #167 on: February 16, 2021, 09:50:25 PM »
Hey Kizzie,
That really sounds like a whole ton of progress just in the space of a week.  :thumbup: Also - wow - you've looked at and I imagine re-felt so much pain and come out the other side.

I'm really glad your FOC is taking your needs and the fact that you fell apart seriously and that you are all trying to support each other now.

I know it's difficult but it's important to go at the pace you need, so yes, go slowly. Iirc, you had to tell your h months ago to carry some of his own burden and not dump on you. Something like that. So I see that as like a little intro into the topic before you or he or your son were at a stage capable of doing the steps you are now.

 :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

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notalone

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #168 on: February 17, 2021, 02:15:11 PM »
Kizzie, I want to support you in what you are going through. My mind keeps going blank this morning, so I'll just say that for now.

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #169 on: February 17, 2021, 05:43:28 PM »
Tk you both  :hug:   :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #170 on: February 19, 2021, 05:24:02 PM »
Talking with C in therapy is helping me to understand I need to take things slowly and after seeing/feeling the bottom I understand why that is. No wonder I ran all those decades, very tough stuff to 'know' about. 

One thing that surprised me is that she suggested dissociating isn't something to rip away, rather to let go of slowly too so that there is something to replace it. Otherwise. we are seeing/feeling all that pain in too big a dose. 

Now that most of the stress of L's stroke is gone I can take this process more slowly. Going through all that ripped away a lot of my defenses and I understand how important titrating is. 

Our goal or plan is to allow myself to 'notice' the pain, fear, abandonment depression emotionally and in my body and slowly regulate and integrate it.


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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #171 on: February 26, 2021, 05:30:22 PM »
So lovely that talking to L about what I was feeling has led to a release of so much fear and anger. The last 2-3 mornings I have woken up not in that gray place of depression and feeling weighed down, afraid, hopeless.

I haven't felt this way in what seems a long time - seemed to start when Trump got into power and got worse with COVID and then L's stroke.  Now with Trump gone, having talked to L and connected, and knowing we will have the COVID vaccine in April I'm feeling lighter,  safer and happier - it's wonderful.  ;D   This is how people who don't have trauma weighing them down feel most of the time.

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Blueberry

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #172 on: February 26, 2021, 06:01:13 PM »
 :cheer:  :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #173 on: February 28, 2021, 04:54:50 PM »
Tks BB  :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #174 on: March 04, 2021, 11:45:35 AM »
Hi Kizzie,
Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #175 on: March 04, 2021, 03:57:44 PM »
Tks Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #176 on: March 06, 2021, 02:51:44 AM »
So glad you are feeling lighter, safer, and happier.  :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #177 on: March 06, 2021, 03:53:48 PM »
Tks Notalone, We still go through bumps (returns to old behavs) like yesterday which ended in a dust up because he wasn't seeing/accepting his behaviour toward me was covertly controlling/dominating.  He is going to go see a T so hopefully that will help. 

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Blueberry

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #178 on: March 06, 2021, 04:06:33 PM »
I hope so too Kizzie for you, and for your H too. But Idk him.  :hug:
But at least you seem to know what's going on? So you can hold him accountable to it to some degree and not take all his stuff on board.
It sounds a positive step that he's going to see a T  :)

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #179 on: March 06, 2021, 05:01:48 PM »
Session with C on Thurs was interesting.  We talked about my inner critic and shame - I didn't know what to make of the fact that I knew I had been really supportive of my H during his stroke but got angry not only at him for seeming not to appreciate that, but at myself.  Why would I be angry at myself when I knew I had done so much to help my H? 

We ended up on the thought that it's a defense mechanism I use to "beat everyone else to the punch".  That is, before anyone can shame/blame me (for not being a good enough wife, for being angry at this poor man who had a stroke), I do it to myself because it packs less of an emotional punch and I am in control of who does the blaming and shaming. 

Shaming myself helps me to become invisible so no-one else can shame/blame me.  And I did feel very vulnerable and exposed and then did retreat so I think this mind bending explanation has some legs.   :stars:

We ended off on the note "What we resist, persists" which has to do with letting that part of me come more into awareness and noticing it, being curious about it versus trying to challenge it, get rid of it, cast it out before I've emotionally come to terms that it/I was trying to protect myself, to survive the terror of being abused and unsafe as a kid.

It's a bit tricky because on the one hand it is the internalized voices of my parents,  but it is also a protective part of me so there needs to be recognition and acceptance of it, why it exists, the pain and terror of being shamed and abandoned it took to internalize it.     


« Last Edit: March 07, 2021, 04:23:43 PM by Kizzie »