Kizzie's Journal

[sanmagic7]

we're with you, too, kizzie, as you go thru this.    hopefully, that online forum will give you the guidance you need.  best to you with the GP and getting all this straightened out.  sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and answers.

[Papa Coco]

Thinking of you always, Kizzie. Sincerely hoping you can get your BP down, and get your SSRIs reduced safely.

I wish I could more than just send words, but know that the words we send to you have our friendship in them. You're not alone.

[Kizzie]

Tks San and PC, it helps to have well wishes.   

[Armee]

Sending hugs and wishes for a safely slow withdrawal, Kizzie. I don't blame you for being fearful of the next few months and even though lots of well wishers like to have us think positive thoughts I find it far more helpful to have realistic expectations. Then when it gets hard you can remind yourself "it's OK. I expected this. I knew it would be hard, and I can get through this."

In anticipation of a difficult few months is there any more support you can line up for yourself or for caretaking your DH so you can just take the time you need?

[Kizzie]

Actually Armee, my H has agreed to see a therapist which is BIG because he's ex Army and his family were not big on expressing emotions.  But, he had a stroke in 2020 and knows how hard it was for me because I didn't have a lot of support so he has agreed to therapy while I go through this so he has some help. 

I am also getting a fair bit of guidance from the "Surviving Antidepressants" web site - so glad I joined.  It's a lot like here where you find out so many others have the same thoughts, feelings, symptoms, fears, needs, etc.  It helps me to not feel so alone with this, just like OOTS helps me to know I'm not alone with my CPTSD.

We've both told the organizations we volunteer with we won't be available for a month or two.  We're both retired so work isn't an issue thankfully.

Hopefully too I will be able to give the Ketamine a try and it will help me deal with the anxiety and withdrawal. Still have to get my BP down for that though.  I am talking with my GP today and no doubt when she see's my readings will increase the medication for BP as it's still too high to go. 

[Armee]

That IS big. Good job to both of you protecting your selves for this stretch.

[Kizzie]

It really is essential to get as much support for ourselves isn't it?  It's times like these that remind me how much I tried to get through life on my own.  That's a CPTSD legacy for sure. 

[Kizzie]

Lately I find myself wishing fervently for the ability to dissociate again.  I can't anymore and I find it painful and difficult to live in my skin without the ability to "go away".   Here I am medicated to the hilt trying to get off Zoloft, having constant anxiety for months now and I wish I could go back and not feel any of this.  But I guess I did feel it in so many ways and it took away big chunks of living and so many people. 

I am not feeling hopeful or positive lately, I just want to reach a place where I feel happier, when the anxiety is only occasional, and where I don't have the desire/need to "go away" to escape this life.   

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them Kizzie. We're all here for you as you experience this.

[Blueberry]

  Kizzie. Standing with you as you go through this and sending hope.

[Armee]

Dissociation can be a blessing at times. Though that would be a backward step to dissociate uncontrollably and going backwards sucks...but I remember hearing that when kids first start using Dissociation it's an intentional strategy to disconnect and the problem is when it becomes automatic, frequent, and uncontrolled. So maybe there is a role for Dissociation used judiciously and in a controlled way. Maybe you could relearn it just a little to take the edge off while you adjust to feeling things? Dissociation through things like getting lost in a TV show? I dunno. I haven't made I to the stage of feeling things yet. Some limbo land between Dissociation and feeling. I wish for some relief for you, Kizzie.

[paul72]

Sending support and wishing you some much needed relief, Kizzie.
I think Armee might be onto something there about controlled dissociation... it sounds like an intriguing possibility,
However it works, we are all here for you and sending the absolute best wishes we can!

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

I second what Armee says. Even if you can't properly dissociate anymore, maybe you could zone out a bit in whatever way - TV, reading, crosswords or whatever else. In one of my previous inpatient stays finding what worked for you was skill-building for people with cptsd and bpd. There was a special group for it.

Hoping for relief for you anyway.

[Kizzie]

I had a session with the therapist at the ketamine clinic this morning and I was telling her about getting hit in Jan with 24/7 anxiety and that I could not dissociate anymore and she wondered if in part the anxiety may be due to my not having the ability to go away from (dissociate) or shield myself from the things that still frighten me, even adult me.  That may have some legs although I also still think my body stopped tolerating SSRIs and I need to wean off of them. Maybe a bit of both though.

I told her if she's partly correct, I hope the Ketamine assisted therapy will help me to build in tolerance of /healthy shields against anxiety and fear while at the same time I'm tapering off the SSRI. 

WRT the Ketamine clinic my GP wants one more week of BP readings then she will clear me to try the therapy.  There are a couple of hoops after that on their end but if all goes well I should be giving it a try end Sep.

Wouldn't that be great if it went according to how I hope it will?   

I do watch TV to zone out and fortunately that still works - wish there were better shows on.  Hopefuly Sep will be better.