Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry Armee, it should NOT be this way (i.e., that many, perhaps most of us, cannot afford to get well). 

We need a great big LOUD international  coalition to shout out this message to health providers/insurers and governments around the world.  Health should not be split into physical and mental, it is all one and treatment should not be split, siloed like it is. It's just cheaper for govts/insurers and easier for health providers to believe the split is legit which perpetuates the underlying belief that we are the cause of our own misery and if we just pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps we'd be fine.

It's also good for the pharm companies because we simply stay on meds that only partly help for years, decades, even lifetimes.  If I hadn't developed an intolerance to SSRIs I would have simply stayed on it to the end of my life, not realizing there were better options out there.  The new option, Ketamine, is not covered by many insurers and it's not cheap so one way or another we pay a lot to try and get well.   It infuriates me frankly.  It's like vampires feeding off our pain and misery. 

[sanmagic7]

indeed!  (don't get me started!)

(my bootstraps broke a very long time ago!)

another part of the meds industry are the side effects that often happen, and of course there have been more meds created to treat these, which had been caused by medication in the first place.  like we're hamsters running the wheel.  no wonder we're so tired!  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

Off for my second Ketamine treatment - fingers (and toes) crossed it goes MUCH better than the last session! I will be having a lower dose and the head psych whom I like very much will talking with me ahead of the session and afterwards in the reflection session. 

I had the therapy session two days ago and it was excellent although I fell apart about 3 hours after it, crying and my anxiety went way up.  I talked to the pysch the next day and he said to use 400 mgs if/when this happens.  Apparently it takes the edge off the reaction, but still lets you experience the emotions you need to for the Ketamine to do its work. 

OK 

[Armee]

Thinking of you today, Kizzie. 

[Papa Coco]

Kizzie,

I'm excited to hear that this lower dosage, and the pscyhe being with you before and after, is working better than your first experience.

My Ketamine Infusions don't have a psychiatrist involved. They're just the infusion. After listening to the podcast that Dolly shared yesterday, I can see real value in doing IFS and talk therapy in the same sitting as the infusion. Also, in this podcast, Dr. Grant said that the lower the doses are much better for processing our PTSD with the Ketamine.

I can't wait to hear from you how today goes!!!!!

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

I hope it goes well. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now but I'm sure you can get through it. Sounds very positive that you have a t that you can trust to listen to you and help you integrate those experiences as well. Maybe the ketamine is working away in the background.

dolly 

[Kizzie]

It went quite well really as evidenced by by a perfectly normal BP reading before hand  (in the 120/80 range), to only a slight raised reading afterward which is normal for Ketamine (i.e. to raise BP somewhat). Huzzah!   

I actually enjoyed the psychedelic trip part of the treatment and was a little sad as the Ketamine wore off about 2/3rds of the way through.  So next session I am going to ask for a slight increase from to see how that goes and a top up if the medicine wears off 2/3rds of the way through. 

Maybe I need not worry about having a lower dose though

. Also, in this podcast, Dr. Grant said that the lower the doses are much better for processing our PTSD with the Ketamine.

Well now that is interesting!  I did have an hour long chat with the head psych and a colleague and told them IMO they have to approach CPTSD survivor differently - slower intro to the whole process, break therapy and Ketamine into two days as they have done for me, start with a lower dose if the client is anxious and/or has never been on a psychedelic trip before.  The psych trip was completely scary to me and I didn't want to go back.   

I'm also thinking of taking in my own music as the music they (the clinic) use is designed to elicit a range of emotion's and frankly I can live without anything from the darker side having lived with anxiety and depression since Jan.  I was reading about Ketamine music tracks on Reddit last night and there seem to be a lot of uplifting tracks which is exactly what I want. 

It's a lot to think about!

[paul72]

That's fantastic Kizzie!!!

[sanmagic7]

so glad for you, kizzie, that you had a better experience this time.  hopefully, this will continue.  rooting for you all the way!  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

    

[dollyvee]

. Also, in this podcast, Dr. Grant said that the lower the doses are much better for processing our PTSD with the Ketamine.

Well now that is interesting!  I did have an hour long chat with the head psych and a colleague and told them IMO they have to approach CPTSD survivor differently - slower intro to the whole process, break therapy and Ketamine into two days as they have done for me, start with a lower dose if the client is anxious and/or has never been on a psychedelic trip before.  The psych trip was completely scary to me and I didn't want to go back.   

I've been reading more into psilocybin and trying to understand why I sometimes get increased irritability. What is interesting and might related to what you said here, is that it acts on our ego dissolution.

"Lower levels of hippocampal glutamate were associated with positively experienced ego dissolution. This finding provides support for the theory that ego dissolution is caused by a temporary loss of access to autobiographical memory, as the hippocampus plays a key role in memory."

I think a lot of people with (all of us?) cPTSD are hypervigilant and I wonder if that hypervigilance extends to how we see ourselves and the world ie I need to be like this in order to function and feel safe in the world. It's also interesting that it's related to memory another facet which a lot of people with cPTSD are very hypervigilant about (conscious or unconscious).

https://www.reddit.com/r/microdosing/comments/vnllsm/research_citizen_science_the_afterglow_flow_state/

Glad it went much better for you this time 

[Kizzie]

OMG Dolly, I love that you do deep dives into the neurobiological (hope that's the correct term) side of things, but honestly it's beyond me.  The head psych got a bit carried away the other day with a deep dive into Ketamine and emotion/brain and I did not understand what he was talking about and was too embarrassed to ask.  Sitting here I realize, hey it's not my field so of course I might not understand and can ask for a simpler version, something at my level of comprehension.  I will do that if there is another conversation that leads off into high level discussion like that one did.

What I do know/believe is that we (relational trauma survivors) are likely (very, quite) different in terms of our pathways and tolerances so it's imperative clinicians/researchers understand what is Complex PTSD and don't just rely on research from PTSD survivors or the general population.  I'm glad I did speak up about this to the psych and his colleague and equally glad they seemed interested in what I had to say.

[Kizzie]

I have been totally avoiding a huge topic that has been causing me a great deal of pain and anguish, and has added so much to the anxiety and depression I am dealing with presently.

I don't want to write too much but I will say it's about our son.  I thought he had gone No Contact with us and did not know why.  He hadn't emailed, texted or called or responded to anything we've sent for a long while except when Hurricane Fiona hit Halifax and we asked by text if he was OK.

Yesterday I emailed to ask again what was going on and he responded and said he loved me/us and had just been caught up in his own life and had some things of his own going on.  I know there is more to it (issues with me/us) because of a few things he said when all this started months ago, but I'll leave that for now if he's not ready to talk. I just keep telling him I have this legacy of CPTSD, that I love him and am sorry if that spilled over onto him and that I will do my level best to repair things. 

I also told him yesterday that I believe it's really important we don't go No/Low Contact because it perpetuates the intergenerational cycle and I so want to leave this planet knowing I have done everything I can to break that cycle for him and future generations.  I want him and the family he will have at some stage to be happy and healthy as can be.

That's all I want to write about this for now but I know all of you know the deep, deep despair, fear, and sense of abandonment I have been struggling with. 

I hate having CPTSD, I truly do.

[sanmagic7]

ditto, kizzie.  this beast has eroded, derailed, and demolished so many good people, some of whom are still fighting for their lives and sanity.  having gone NC w/ my own D1 (cuz of her abuse to me) i understand that feeling of loss and despair when it comes to our kids.  so very sorry you're having this issue - i wouldn't wish it on anyone.  i do hope you and your son can find some resolution so you don't have to continue on in such a heartbreaking situation.  love and a hug filled w/ hope

[Kizzie]

Tks San, we're supposed to talk by phone tonight and I so hope it goes well.