Kizzie's Journal

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

Glad to hear you're feeling better 

dolly 

[Kizzie]

And I should have added I have here and all of you to stay healthy and recovering

[sanmagic7]

yep, we're here for you, kizzie.  thanks for letting us help.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Dear Kizzie,
Glad to hear you've got a support plan for coming home, and sending you love and hugs   
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Tks San    and Hope 

[Blueberry]

Welcome back Kizzie 

[Bach]

Stopped by to say Hi 

[Kizzie]

Tks BB and B 

[Kizzie]

So I have had two maintenance Electroconvulsive treatments since coming out of the full time treatment program and the first one knocked me for a loop I guess because it's been a while.  My muscles were really sore and I was nauseated through to about 4 PM (had it about 9 AM).  I asked for pain and nausea meds in my IV for the last one and it made things go much better thankfully.  I can only imagine what having them without anesthetic must have been like in days gone by - ouch!  No wonder it has such a bad rep.  Anyway, It does seem to help and it's only once a month.

I went for my assessment for the follow-on day treatment program yesterday.  It's very similar to the full time program except a smaller group (10 versus 20), and only three mornings from 9-12 per week for ten weeks.  Lots of CBT and group work on skills such as assertiveness, self-compassion, etc.  Not exactly for trauma, but designed for anxiety and depression. I guess like most mental health systems in most countries they must do the best they can with the limited resources they are given.

TBH part of me is considering not going and finding a trauma focused group if I can.  I do like the CBT and working on feeling comfortable in a group setting that the day treatment program will offer but the majority of the group subjects are limited in their utility for me (or so it feels).  As I told the Occupational Therapist I'm really looking  for some help in dealing with trauma related symptoms now like hypervigilance, a tendency to isolate from others because of mistrust, dissociation and avoidance, etc. That said, I know some of my depression and anxiety comes from aging and it is a seniors group so I would benefit from being with others my own age going through some things.

It doesn't start until March 13th so I have some time to think and make a decision.  I just wish we could fast forward to a time where there are groups for trauma survivors, young, middle aged and/or senior.  So much of our depression and anxiety ties directly into our trauma and then gets layered onto with other life circumstances.  Hard to separate each out but to treat the overall problem you have to deal with both (IMO). 

Ah well, at least we have these programs available here in Canada at no cost - love universal health!

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
I hope that you are able to make a decision that feels right for you.  It's good that you have some time before 13th March to consider your options. 

Just popped by to say 'hello' and send you a hug too, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Kizzie]

I can't remember whether or not I wrote about this but I left a bad review of the clinic where I had the ketamine treatment in the hopes that others will think twice about going there give the fact that the psychiatrist prescribed waaaaay too much medication  both Ativan and Gabapentin.  Both my GP and I went with it because he is a psychiatrist and it landed me in hospital so lesson learned.  If your gut is telling you something, listen to it.  Professionals are not all ethical as I found out and paid the price.

[Kizzie]

Tks so much Hope.  I love hugs (didn't always). Hug received and returned 

[Armee]

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. CBT can be a little helpful. But it really doesn't do anything for the beliefs and behaviors that were formed from trauma because those are all emotion based and for me at least I find when I am in my logical brain (ie not triggered) I don't believe those things bad about myself at all. But trauma triggered brain...the logical part is totally shutoff and no matter how much CBT I did or how much I believe those things when I am not triggered there is NO ACCESS to that part of the brain when I am triggered. EMDR seems to put me in the part of the brain that is active when I am triggered and then changes the beliefs and associations in the part of the brain that is active when triggered. So yeah...probably benefits to both...but I'd say you definitely want to include the trauma piece. CBT leaders seem to think their methods work on trauma. They do not, at least not when dissociation is a key player.

[Papa Coco]

Good luck Kizzie,

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles to find proper treatments and ethical practitioners. I'm sending hugs your way. Also prayers. 

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, it is good to hear from, you as you bravely move toward.