Kizzie's Journal

Kizzie · May 10, 2015, 06:22:42 PM

So it's Mothers Day and my NPDM sends me an email with a picture of my cousin standing at my Father's grave and telling me how much she loves her "little Peanut" (her nickname). Peanut is one of my M's "good daughters" (she has several - - I'm not in the club), and often tells me what they've done for her. It really used to bother me but today I started to laugh and asked my H what he thought. He said what I had been thinking - "Oh yah, just had to tell you about one of her good daughters on Mother's day - typical." I can't believe I ever thought of her behaviour as covert

My reaction - "argh" and then "meh" - so I would have to say I am getting there in terms of recoveringl. I am going out with my wonderful H and not letting this seep into my day - so there, take that!

wingnut · May 11, 2015, 01:17:17 AM

That's huge, Kizzie - congrats - disempowering her and empowering yourself.
I wonder if your lack of re=action will eventually change her actions. Do you think she's sitting around wondering why she hasn't heard from you?? I hope so!
Good for you.
I hope you had a great Mother's Day.

Jdog · May 11, 2015, 02:37:16 AM

Big cheer for you, Kizzie! What a nasty thing to send to a daughter on Mother's Day, but how self compassionate of you to be able to let it slide right off of you. I'm glad your H is there for you and able to help you laugh at your Mother's attempts at tearing you down.

Happy Mother's Day!

Kizzie · May 11, 2015, 06:53:33 PM

Thanks all, it was a great Mother's Day - we had lunch out at a beautiful place on the harbour and then had a long chat with our son (who is on the other coast) while sitting looking over the ocean at a beautiful range of snow topped mountains, boats of all sizes, a sea plane or two, all kinds of birds, people flying kites and playing with their dogs and kids - in short, life as it should be for each and every one of us.

keepfighting · May 14, 2015, 10:49:05 AM

So glad that you had a nice and relaxed mother's day! You deserve it!

Quote from: Kizzie on May 10, 2015, 06:22:42 PM
I can't believe I ever thought of her behaviour as covert

My reaction - "argh" and then "meh" - so I would have to say I am getting there in terms of recoveringl.

Couldn't help but laugh at your description - you're certainly getting there in recovery if you're able to see the rediculous side of her behaviour!

I used to think that 'covert' was somehow better than 'overt' -

. Ah well.... live and learn...

Kizzie · May 14, 2015, 04:31:59 PM

Tks KF and BH

About two years ago when I coming out of the fog and was still living near my M, I invited her to go shopping. When I picked her up she came limping out to the car with her ankle all bandaged up. Apparently she had fallen but had not told me about it because she didn't want to worry me (read "I am pissed at you and want to make sure you know that I am and to make you feel guilty). W did have a bit of a dust up about 10 days earlier about something, who knows what now and there was no way she was going to let that go without making me suffer for my sins.

Anyway, I was determined not to let my NPDM spoil my day and remained resolutely cheerful on the drive to the stores. My M is a shopaholic so when we pulled up bam, she was out of that car so fast and into the store in 2 seconds flat. Hmmmmm and where did the limp go I wonder? I had been diagnosed with CPTSD around then and my T had said I would one day see some humour in my NPDM's behaviour - I was completely skeptical. BUt seeing her zoom off into the store was so ridiculous I just had to laugh. And it felt really, really good, freeing even.

Kizzie · May 21, 2015, 05:22:16 PM

May 21st - I have been out of sorts for a bit now and had a

moment yesterday morning about why this might be the case. We just moved and while it was one of the least stressful moves we've gone through, it's still a move and that creates both new possibilities and disruptions.

I realized I have been focused on the former (where we moved has much to offer), and pushing away the latter. I have not been listening to my IC and she is irritable, unsettled and upset that my H who was retired for a year has now gone back to work and she is having to deal with that and living in a new place after adult me swore I would never move again. (Both my F and my H were military so I've moved my whole life.)

So I ended up having a talk with my IC which went something like - "Sorry Kyle, I hear you now and it's OK to be upset

I will stop telling you about all the good stuff and let you be cranky about the not-so-good things."

I also talked to my H last night about how I was feeling and slept well for the first time in a while so lesson learned about being mindful and practicing self-care

Kizzie · May 23, 2015, 05:32:09 PM

I know, isn't that story funny - I still laugh when I see her in my head zipping off with nary a limp in her step.

Tks for your thoughts about being cranky BeHealthy.

I was thinking that whole business of shutting out the negative bits and it's one of my criticisms of CBT and other approaches like it. We can't just change how we feel by changing how we think, but in my effort to recover I have noticed the pendulum has swung the other way (towards trying to find the positives in all things rather than things to fear, be angry or sad about, dread .....).

So there I was doing my CBT and focusing on the positive aspects and my feelings about the negative aspects were still there, clamoring to be heard. And they did not budge, nope, not a bit until I let them surface and validated them. It's like people who tell those of us with CPTSD to just get over it and move on, because what happened is in the past and it's time to move on, think positive. Well sorry, we can't until we work through the trauma, that's just the way we human beings are built (or at least that's what I've come to believe and need to remember anyway).

Anyway, in allowing myself to feel that yup, there are some great parts and not so great aspects of moving and my H coming out of retirement, I feel more balanced. And that's how I suspect those who don't suffer from CPTSD tend to feel. That things are not always either all good or bad, but a blend of both. Here's to balance in all things

Kizzie · May 26, 2015, 06:39:42 PM

The PD thing explains so much doesn't it? And it validates for me that there really is a lot to be cranky (read angry and sad and depressed) about.

I do like CBT for noticing the positive things in my life I never had the time or energy to see before, and for rethinking some of my thinking/feeling that may be distorted because of the trauma, but at the same time I don't want to slip into denial that things are all good. Thankfully my IC continues to point that out no matter how much I try to ignore her.

Kizzie · August 29, 2015, 06:07:14 PM

I just finished teaching a course and have to say it was such a good experience and has been the last two or three times. Quite a difference from two years ago when I had to take a leave of absence because my panic attacks/social anxiety/EFs were so bad I couldn't even teach online.

The thing that stands out now is that I feel so much more authentic, present and grounded in my teaching whereas before I felt like an imposter and was constantly anxious that someone would call me out, that I wasn't meeting the standard. Positive feedback from students and colleagues did not resonate while the merest hint of criticism (even constructive) would send me into an EF. And if I made a mistake or didn't give a 130%, EF time, shame.

I just feel so much more normal now, like this is how living and working is supposed to feel. There's a sense of flow I didn't have before (used to check and recheck everything I did/said), and I am not constantly worrying about how I'm doing, I'm just doing and enjoying it so much more. It's really quite lovely.

Lifecrafting · August 29, 2015, 06:54:51 PM

QuoteI just feel so much more normal now, like this is how living and working is supposed to feel. There's a sense of flow I didn't have before (used to check and recheck everything I did/said), and I am not constantly worrying about how I'm doing, I'm just doing and enjoying it so much more. It's really quite lovely.

Wow Kizzie, this must feel amazing...I'm so happy for you! Kudos to you and all the hard work you have put in to get to this lovely place.
You are awesome!

Dutch Uncle · August 30, 2015, 06:00:25 PM

Awesome

.

Kizzie · August 30, 2015, 08:23:14 PM

Thank you both

Kizzie · October 22, 2015, 06:18:22 PM

So in terms of having severe osteoarthritis, I realized this morning that I am in much the same place as I was when I found out that my M and B have NPD and that I have CPTSD. I am relieved that I know clearly what is going on and that there is help and support available, but I'm also so angry and sad that I have to deal with this lifelong physical issue and that it will continue to cause me pain.

Oddly, it's not the whole of me that is being dragged down by this. Not sure how to capture this in words exactly, but before when I would have a big issue like this to deal with it would consume me, sweeping me into an overwhelming EF. While I am deeply upset and struggling to accept the reality of my health issues, this time I have not been swept away. I think (hope) this is what becoming more integrated feels like.

Jdog · October 23, 2015, 02:28:52 AM

Kizzie-

I am so very sorry that you are in pain and that the pain is not the kind that is expected to subside over time. It takes real courage to be able to accept such a thing and to learn how to navigate the ups and downs of a chronic condition. My spouse suffers from lupus, and I see firsthand how disabling severe conditions are.

In terms of realizing that your whole self is not disabled by the diagnosis - Hooray! It sounds like you are really practicing the skills needed to put the physical pain and limitations into a perspective which allows you to separate today's issues from things of the past. That is a true victory.

Take care of yourself.