Kizzie's Journal

Kizzie · August 04, 2023, 03:12:51 PM

I agree in the sense that there won't be anyone left to blindside me like my NM does. I am estranged from my NB and most of the flying monkey family left so I can relax finally. There will be other difficult life events to be sure, but the Big N ones, gone. Halleluyah! I wonder if my hypervigilance will settle? Interesting thought.

natureluvr · August 04, 2023, 10:52:25 PM

I talked to my T about this and told her I am shifting from thinking I will eventually get rid of the symptoms to managing them better. I believed there would come a day when it would all be gone, but I see now that it won't.

This is a good insight. I think it is more realistic. I do still have hope that the triggers will at least become less severe.

Kizzie · November 23, 2023, 04:11:26 PM

My M passed away this morning in her sleep and peaceful according to my B. I just feel sad and a bit relieved at the moment. I don't know how I will feel as the realization sets in but hopefully I won't devolve into EFs.

Armee · November 23, 2023, 04:24:30 PM

I'm sorry for your layer of losses and grief, Kizzie, in all their complexities. We're here with you through whatever shows up.

Kizzie · November 23, 2023, 05:12:49 PM

Tks so much Armee, it really does help that I am not alone with this, that I don't need/want to stuff it down as I would have in the past, and that I can say what I need to and you will all get it.

NarcKiddo · November 23, 2023, 06:36:15 PM

I can only imagine the conflicting mass of emotions as this door is finally closed. You have had some time to prepare yourself, inasmuch as anyone can prepare themselves for this, so I hope you do not struggle too much with whatever emotions surface. As Armee said, we're here for you.

Hope67 · November 23, 2023, 06:45:28 PM

Dear Kizzie,
My sincere condolences on your loss, and thinking of you.

Hope

Kizzie · November 23, 2023, 08:40:30 PM

Tks NarcKiddo and Hope. So far so good as I was able to prepare myself. I broke down when I first learned she was terminal and then when she went in hospice but I was expecting the phone call any day and it's been over a month. I don't really have many conflicting emotions as I think I went through a lot of that leading up to today. I hope so anyway.

Blueberry · November 23, 2023, 09:00:29 PM

Thinking of you Kizzie

woodsgnome · November 23, 2023, 10:41:22 PM

Along this journey, to be able to find your way through to your own peace with awareness and grace has been impressive. Thank you for sharing, with raw frankness, the intensity of what you've gone through.

May you continue to find your way forward.

Bach · November 24, 2023, 12:31:36 AM

Kizzie, the best to you as you navigate this complicated emotional territory. Sending love and warm thoughts

Kizzie · November 24, 2023, 07:33:43 PM

Tks BB, Woodsgnome and Bach.

Papa Coco · November 25, 2023, 01:54:03 AM

Kizzie,

Sending you love and warmth. The world will feel a little different now. I'm glad you have so many friends here to be there for you while it all sinks in.

Kizzie · November 25, 2023, 05:05:52 PM

Tks Papa

StartingHealing · November 27, 2023, 03:31:34 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on August 04, 2023, 03:12:51 PMI agree in the sense that there won't be anyone left to blindside me like my NM does. I am estranged from my NB and most of the flying monkey family left so I can relax finally. There will be other difficult life events to be sure, but the Big N ones, gone. Halleluyah! I wonder if my hypervigilance will settle? Interesting thought.

I think that it will. I know that mine did once I got out of the marital residence. Found a rental, and moved. From the 20th to the 25th. The idea that the former spouse could do a drive-by (yes she has gotten even worse in her behavior. Not that I am in direct observation of it. the info comes 2cd hand) or do something like set the structure on fire or throws poisoned meat over the back fence (the alley was wide open to anyone that wants to go down it) to kill my doggo. The new location has gated access to the alleys.

Now, I'm incognito from the former spouse. Yes, she knows that I moved but she doesn't know where. I intentionally moved further into the metro area. Renting keeps my name off any publicly available real estate records. and here shortly I'll have new email addresses, and then a new mobile # and carrier.

I'm not saying that it's completely gone. But the down regulation has been significant enough that I can definitely tell the difference. I'm hopefully expecting that as I get into the groove of the new location, and finish setting up the space as I intend to, that my hypervigilance will drop even more.

I wish you all the best.