Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Thanks for your kind words JDog.  

[Kizzie]

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote in my journal!   

Since my last post about having osteoarthritis I actually had a total knee replacement three weeks ago and am on the mend from that.  I'm still in pain but this time it will go away at least.  The whole experience has served as  a gauge of how I am doing in recovery and I am pleased. I did not have an EF leading up to, during hospitalization or since surgery and that's a big change.  Anything medical, especially something this painful and major would have caused all kinds of past trauma to resurface before.

It's not like I have sailed through this by any stretch though. I have cried and felt angry and sad and all the things that a painful recovery bring up, but it just doesn't feel like there is this whole extra layer of other (unresolved) trauma on top of it. I still felt vulnerable because I had to depend on others, but it seemed almost like a normal amount or reaction to the situation. I can sense my old feelings of abandonment, etc., but it is as though they are more in my past and part of me as a whole than separate and current if that makes sense.

Anyway, I am grateful to be through surgery and on the mend and far enough along in recovery that I didn't have all that extra pain to deal with.  It's so worth the time and effort it takes to heal from the past 

[Jdog]

Kizzie-

I am very glad that you have made such progress in recovery!  I mean that both in terms of the physical as wil as the psychological/emotional.  It's interesting to be able to notice how things that are inherently painful (like knee surgery) don't have to continue being connected to the entire litany of painful things which are stored deep within our "kitchen drain". 

Also - I am not sure if you have already had that big birthday or whether it is still a few days away, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!    

[Kizzie]

Thanks jdog    I turned 60 on the 2nd (and got new knee for my present lol).  Actually, the best present is making progress in recovery, definitely the best gift I ever gave myself   

[Jdog]

I hear you!  Recovery is the best gift, and despite all of the mud that gets on our shoes as we dredge truth from the messy sinkhole of the past, it is truly the gift that keeps on giving!

Hooray!

[Kizzie]

It really is isn't it Jdog?      Hooray indeed!   

[Kizzie]

Wow, I really need to keep up with this journal more as it has almost been a year and a half.  Here I am writing because I am about to go through having another knee replaced (which is the last time I posted here). I just found out this morning and felt like it might help to write something about how I am feeling.

It has been a tough time since May when our beloved dog of 15 years got quite sick. In the middle of that my H was deployed due to an out of control wild fire season here so I was on my own nursing our dog. Unfortunately he was too sick and old and we had to let him go.  My H was able to get home when we had him put to sleep at least, but left right after.  The grief was just so much harder for both of us being apart. It probably would have been "normal" grieving except for the abandonment issues that my H being away raised for me.  And on his side he was exhausted and didn't really have any time/energy to grieve.

My H was gone for the better part of two and a half months, working 10-12 hours a day so we did not even talk much. By the end of it we were both discouraged, depressed and stressed. We were just getting over the summer when first he got sick with an upper respiratory infection, then I got it.  It went on and one and on well into Oct and we were just starting to feel better emotionally and physically this past week. But, after a year and a half waiting, the phone rings and I'm having surgery Dec 4th.  Really!?!?

Our son was coming home for Christmas and we had lots of fun things planned so I am beyond bummed.  At the same time I am looking beyond the whole surgery thing (painful and long), to being able to walk again.  For that I am grateful and thankful, I just wish it had been in the new year so we could get our feet under us plus fully enjoy our son's visit.

The other positive thing about this is I feel like I am reacting in a more normal way than I would have in the past.  I immediately felt like I needed to come here and express my  irritation/anger. Not  all that many years ago I would be curled in a ball on the bed, trying to dissociate as quickly and for as long as I could.  Not happening - yay .   

I also talked to my son and cried throughout about my disappointment we wouldn't be having the holiday we planned and of course that I had to go through surgery again.  In the past I would have tried to be "brave" and minimize how I felt about it.  He was absolutely wonderful as was my H. 

So here's to recovery, it does happen and it really is worth all the hard work.   

Added - Just thought about the anesthetist's reaction last time when I had the first knee surgery (asked why I couldn't leave my childhood trauma in the past).  This time I will bring some materials about CPTSD for him (or whomever I see). Yah, educate the professionals, I like it. 

[Blueberry]

But, after a year and a half waiting, the phone rings and I'm having surgery Dec 4th.  Really!?!?

Our son was coming home for Christmas and we had lots of fun things planned so I am beyond bummed.  At the same time I am looking beyond the whole surgery thing (painful and long), to being able to walk again.  For that I am grateful and thankful, I just wish it had been in the new year so we could get our feet under us plus fully enjoy our son's visit.

Aw, Kitty. I'm sad for you about your son's visit but happy that you'll get a new knee.

The other positive thing about this is I feel like I am reacting in a more normal way than I would have in the past.  I immediately felt like I needed to come here and express my  irritation/anger. Not  all that many years ago I would be curled in a ball on the bed, trying to dissociate as quickly and for as long as I could.  Not happening - yay .   

I also talked to my son and cried throughout about my disappointment we wouldn't be having the holiday we planned and of course that I had to go through surgery again.  In the past I would have tried to be "brave" and minimize how I felt about it.  He was absolutely wonderful as was my H. 

So here's to recovery, it does happen and it really is worth all the hard work.   

[Three Roses]

You educate them professionals! You are a force to be reckoned with. :flex:  -i wish that was a real smiley -

[sanmagic7]

warrior woman to the fore, kizzie.  i picture you being wheeled into the operating room, one arm raised with righteous pages of information aimed at any who dare stay ignorant.  love it!

sorry the timing is off on this, tho.  that really sucks.  but so very glad you're able to be real, even with your son.  well done.  you've been thru a lot in the past year, and now have this to look forward to.  dang, life sure does like to throw curve balls sometimes.

by your side through your surgery.  i am glad that you're getting a new knee, tho.  not a bad christmas present in its own right, maybe.  best to you, dear kizzie.  sending a hug filled with love and quick recovery.

[Jdog]

Kizzie, it is amazing how life keeps challenging us and, on the other hand, how differently we respond with a bit of healing behind us.  You are a strong person, and so beloved by so many of us here on this site.  Sorry for the pain, suffering, and irritation you have been served.  And thank you for sharing with us so that we may also learn to bear our own challenges gracefully.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Kizzie!

It brings some hope to me that you're able to heal like this after lots of hardwork and effort. I don't know you as well as some of the older members of this site, but you seem to have earned lots of admiration here for what you've done. I'm looking forward to hear more about you.

[Kizzie]

Thanks everyone, it really means a lot to have your care and support - group hug!

[Jdog]

 Ahh- I feel the warmth of the hug!   

[Kizzie]

And to think I never liked hugs, even emoticon ones - so glad to be past those days!