Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear this resonated for many of you   After four years of recovery work and still finding myself slipping back into the alarmed/anxious state now and then, I finally have accepted that by jove body work IS important and professionals like Peter Levine and Bessel Van der Kolk probably do know what they are talking about lol     Better late than never I suppose.

I don't go back for another SE session until next week so nothing to report on that front. 

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
I hope your next SE session goes well.    to you, if that's ok.
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Cyber    & well wishes are both appreciated Hope, tks! 

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie, I hope you have a good Christmas.  I hope it brings you things that you would like to have in your life.   
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Same to you Hope (and everyone)! 

[Jdog]

And likewise, from me to you, Kizzie!  You rock!

[Kizzie]

Tks JDog, right back at you 

[Hope67]

I agree with Jdog, You Rock, Kizzie.   
Hope 

[Kizzie]

I am having such a tough time.  My normally even keeled H has been steadily getting more difficult to live with for the last year or so due to his job which is very demanding & frustrating. He's tired, discouraged, angry and moody.   

We made the decision to move and take a job offer in another province, but that fell through and so we had to decide whether he should just retire outright and still move or keep on working.  That has not gone smoothly to say the least. Now he is facing retirement and he is not ready for that but the alternative is staying in a job that is taking a real toll on him and us. Rock and a hard place or so it feels to him right now and he is not taking it well at all.

He is not one to talk about his feelings easily and especially to admit when he is angry (gift from his family) so it comes out sideways at me.  I feel a bit like I am in a war zone that has set my trauma reactions firing on all burners. It's like I am trapped, unable to reach him no matter what I do or say.  Feels a lot like growing up when I could not reach my NPD parents and I recognize that my trauma has layered on top of a tough situation.  I reached my limit the other night.

I got drunk b/c I could not stand feeling the way I was, on my last nerve, angry, sick and afraid.  I just wanted to block things out again like I did five years ago when I fell apart. I told my H everything I was feeling, that while I understood he was going through some things I could not take his behaviour any more, that he has to talk to me and treat me with the respect and love I deserve. I told him this while I was drunk and then again the next day to make sure he understood it was not the alcohol talking. 

We have continued to talk since then and I feel like he is hearing me. He finally talked to me about all that he is feeling and that's a big step forward out of trying to keep a lid on it all. It takes a lot to get him to talk about things like this and I think he realizes the price is too high to keep on doing so, that he has to learn to get things out earlier on.  He's willing to get some therapy to help with doing so and I will hold him to it.

I don't write in my journal much any more but I knew this morning I needed to talk about this here and acknowledge how I feel about how he has been behaving. My stress reactions are WAY up -- feeling more sick and afraid than angry -- and I need to get them to come down so I am writing here in the hope that it will help.

[MoonBeam]

Oh Kizzie, I hear you. That is a long time to have to hold discomfort and work/career issues can be so unsettling and disruptive.  I'm sorry that H's pain and anxiety about it has been turned on you. It's extra challenging when someone who may usually be one of our rocks (so-to-speak) isn't any more and it sounds like you've been handling it for a while now.

I'm so glad to hear you were able to identify so much of what is going on for both of you and really express that how it is playing out is NOT okay. I hope he can continue to hear you and you can continue to find ways to recreate safety and ease in your relationship.

I'm glad you posted. Want you to know I'm standing with you and thinking of you, wishing you peace and resolution. 



MB

[sanmagic7]

thanks for sharing, kizzie.  i know this isn't an automatic thing for you to do, to write here, but i give you a lot of credit for getting some of the crapola out, and letting us show you some support. 

outlying situations can certainly take their toll on a relationship.  i do hope you follow up and you and your hub can get some counseling.  it sounds like it may just be a  'stop and breathe' kind of session that would help get you both back on track, re-focus on priorities, and aid the two of you to becoming even closer when it comes to discussing such issues.  i'm really glad for the both of you that he decided he'd go.  i think it'll be a positive experience all around.

with you all the way on this, sweetie.  sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and clarity.   

[Tee]

  here with you it's a struggle for sure.  I hope the two of you will find a good T that will help work the communication and emotional struggles that both are currently facing.  Standing here with you offering a supportive hug.

[Blueberry]

thanks for sharing, kizzie.  i know this isn't an automatic thing for you to do, to write here, but i give you a lot of credit for getting some of the crapola out, and letting us show you some support. 

Good on you for your clear words to your h, Kizzie, and I'm glad he seems to be taking it seriously. 

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time Kizzie. It's great that you were able to talk with your H though, and you two can move forward. I really hope you feel better soon, and can bring down some of those stress reactions. Take care!

[Three Roses]

Nothing more to add, but I'm standing with you in this.