[wingnut]

Kizzie: Do you ever delay opening her emails until your in a good place to read them? Can you mentally prepare? I think we're often programmed to auto open anything that lands in our mailbox. Sometimes when I get into email drama with my sister who is 1400 miles away, I'll let it sit for a couple days until I'm emotionally prepared and it tends to get less of a reaction from me.
I figure if it's REALLY important, they'll call me...

[Kizzie]

I have done that in the past when she was on a drama crusade and she actually does get the message pretty quick that she needs to dial it down. I do need to distance myself and disengage, I was getting a bit more caught up in it than I usually do.  I forget sometimes how good she is at sucking me in so tk you for the reminder     

[Kizzie]

So it's Mothers Day and my NPDM sends me an email with a picture of my cousin standing at my Father's grave and telling me how much she loves her "little Peanut" (her nickname).  Peanut is one of my M's "good daughters" (she has several - - I'm not in the club), and often tells me what they've done for her.  It really used to bother me but today I started to laugh  and asked my H what he thought.  He said what I had been thinking - "Oh yah, just had to tell you about one of her good daughters on Mother's day - typical."  I can't believe I ever thought of her behaviour as covert 

My reaction - "argh" and then "meh" - so I would have to say I am getting there in terms of recoveringl.  I am going out with my wonderful H and not letting this seep into my day - so there, take that!     

[wingnut]

That's huge, Kizzie - congrats - disempowering her and empowering yourself.
I wonder if your lack of re=action will eventually change her actions. Do you think she's sitting around wondering why she hasn't heard from you?? I hope so!
Good for you.
I hope you had a great Mother's Day.

[Jdog]

Big cheer for you, Kizzie!  What a nasty thing to send to a daughter on Mother's Day, but how self compassionate of you to be able to let it slide right off of you.  I'm glad your H is there for you and able to help you laugh at your Mother's attempts at tearing you down. 

Happy Mother's Day!

[BeHea1thy]

Kizzie, it seems that holidays are just excuses for some people to engage in their favorite war games. I'm so glad you're at a place where the missile missed the mark. Very sad for your NPDM, but very encouraging for you to recognize and disengage. That's what it's all about-declining the invitation.

So glad your H was able to support you and you made a decision to create the boundary so it wouldn't ruin the day. 

[Kizzie]

Thanks all, it was a great Mother's Day - we had lunch out at a beautiful place on the harbour and then had a long chat with our son (who is on the other coast) while sitting looking over the ocean at a beautiful range of snow topped mountains, boats of all sizes, a sea plane or two, all kinds of  birds, people flying kites and playing with their dogs and kids - in short, life as it should be for each and every one of us.   

[keepfighting]

So glad that you had a nice and relaxed mother's day! You deserve it!

I can't believe I ever thought of her behaviour as covert 

My reaction - "argh" and then "meh" - so I would have to say I am getting there in terms of recoveringl.

Couldn't help but laugh at your description - you're certainly getting there in recovery if you're able to see the rediculous side of her behaviour! 

I used to think that 'covert' was somehow better than 'overt' -  . Ah well.... live and learn...

[BeHea1thy]

Kizzie,

in short, life as it should be for each and every one of us.   

Amen!

So glad you were able to experience a little piece of heaven on earth. 

[Kizzie]

Tks KF and BH   

About two years ago when I coming out of the fog and was still living near my M, I invited her to go shopping. When I picked her up she came limping out to the car with her ankle all bandaged up. Apparently she had fallen but had not told me about it because she didn't want to worry me (read "I am pissed at you and want to make sure you know that I am and to make you feel guilty).  W did have a bit of a dust up about 10 days earlier about something, who knows what now and there was no way she was going to let that go without making me suffer for my sins. 

Anyway, I was determined not to let my NPDM spoil my day and remained resolutely cheerful on the drive to the stores.  My M is a shopaholic so when we pulled up bam, she was out of that car so fast and into the store in 2 seconds flat.  Hmmmmm and where did the limp go I wonder?  I had been diagnosed with CPTSD around then and my T had said I would one day see some humour in my NPDM's behaviour - I was completely skeptical. BUt seeing her zoom off into the store was so ridiculous I just had to laugh. And it felt really, really good, freeing even.   

[Kizzie]

May 21st - I have been out of sorts for a bit now and had a  moment yesterday morning about why this might be the case.  We just moved and while it was one of the least stressful moves we've gone through, it's still a move and that creates both new possibilities and disruptions. 

I realized I have been focused on the former (where we moved has much to offer), and pushing away the latter.  I have not been listening to my IC and she is irritable, unsettled and upset that my H who was retired for a year has now gone back to work and she is having to deal with that and living in a new place after adult me swore I would never move again. (Both my F and my H were military so I've moved my whole life.)

So I ended up having a talk with my IC which went something like - "Sorry Kyle, I hear you now and it's OK to be upset     I will stop telling you about all the good stuff and let you be cranky about the not-so-good things."

I also talked to my H last night about how I was feeling and slept well for the first time in a while  so lesson learned about being mindful and practicing self-care

[BeHea1thy]

Kizzie,

I'm really glad you allowed yourself time to be cranky and upset. Hope you are able to stay with it as long as you need to. I've kind of wondered about your thoughts on the move itself-the "never again" part and the following H after he "retired." So you do feel the way I thought you (or anyone) might.

Thanks for all your input here while going through this transition in your own life. It makes a huge difference.

Re: your Mom jumping out of the car to go into the store was a priceless description and brought some much needed humor to the situation. Glad you're at a point where you can appreciate the irony of it all.

  Stay with it and hang in there.

[Kizzie]

I know, isn't that story funny - I still laugh when I see her in my head zipping off with nary a limp in her step.

Tks for your thoughts about being cranky BeHealthy.     I was thinking that whole business of shutting out the negative bits and it's one of my criticisms of CBT and other approaches like it.  We can't just change how we feel by changing how we think, but in my effort to recover I have noticed the pendulum has swung the other way (towards trying to find the positives in all things rather than things to fear, be angry or sad about, dread .....).

So there I was doing my CBT and focusing on the positive aspects and my feelings about the negative aspects were still there, clamoring to be heard. And they did not budge, nope, not a bit until I let them surface and validated them. It's like people who tell those of us with CPTSD to just get over it and move on, because what  happened is in the past and it's time to move on, think positive.  Well sorry, we can't until we work through the trauma, that's just the way we human beings are built (or at least that's what I've come to believe and need to remember anyway).

Anyway, in allowing myself to feel that yup, there are some great parts and not so great aspects of moving and my H coming out of retirement, I feel more balanced. And that's how I suspect those who don't suffer from CPTSD tend to feel. That things are not always either all good or bad, but a blend of both. Here's to balance in all things   

[BeHea1thy]

Kizzie,

Yes, the CBT does focus on mostly positives and yes, those negatives still want their time. And you are so right about the balance. I've always cringed at the blithe assertion "there's good days and bad days." In reality for those of us experiencing life as mostly bad days, it seemed too offhand and cruel-especially waiting for good days that never seem to come or if they do, could be counted on one hand.

However, I've noticed that feeling the bad parts of my days gets me to being able to feel the good faster or longer. Like you, I have to feel it, see it and then can begin to notice other stuff around it.

P.S. before coming here I didn't have a clue about narcissism and it's toxic effects.  Now I'm more aware and able to think about my narcissistic FOO and D in a whole new light. 

[Kizzie]

The PD thing explains so much doesn't it?  And it validates for me that there really is a lot to be cranky (read angry and sad and depressed) about.

I do like CBT for noticing the positive things in my life I never had the time or energy to see before, and for rethinking some of my thinking/feeling that may be distorted because of the trauma, but at the same time I don't want to slip into denial that things are all good. Thankfully my IC continues to point that out no matter how much I try to ignore her.