Kizzie's Journal

Started by Kizzie, October 26, 2014, 02:30:49 AM

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Kizzie

Tks A, J and B  :hug: So glad to have that med out of my system and see/feel I am much more regulated than that led me to believe. Phew.


BeeKeeper

I think it's really great to realize you are "better" than you thought.  :applause:

Jazzy

Quote from: BeeKeeper on June 28, 2021, 07:06:35 PM
I think it's really great to realize you are "better" than you thought.  :applause:

:yeahthat:

Kizzie

I am so glad that I am actually doing better than my reaction to Ambien led me to believe.  At the same time I am mindful that there is still an abyss I am frightened of that has to do with being along/abandoned/rejected so I will continue to work on that myself, with my T and here.  Once it's out there and I'm talking about it it seems to defuel the fears/pain I have little by little.   

I remember when I first realized that due to NPD my parents & B would never change and I had to let go of the hope/wish that I could get through to them, that they would be the family I wished for and deserved. So painful to see that awful truth, but the upside was I felt free in many ways to stop trying and to look after myself instead of expending all my energy trying, trying trying. Even the sadness/grief  has decreased over time.

Tks again everyone for your support and care  :grouphug: (me hugging you again  :) )

Kizzie

Another thing that has risen to the surface over the past year or two is struggling with getting older, not only the physical changes but a sense of diminishment I feel, some of which comes from within via my CPTSD, and some through negative ageism out in the world.  My H has been going through it also since retiring and then having a stroke. 

I haven't talked about it here but I guess like anything in our lives, as survivors we're going to be affected by issues that relate to things like age and need a lens to view them through that incorporates our CPTSD/RTR.

This morning I came across the quote below from Sonia Connolly whose site Sundown Healing Arts I love.  It's called "Nestle into Uncertainty" and is about dealing with our uncertain times but I took her message to frame the uncertainty of aging against. It left me with a new way of considering things; that is, my feelings had been quite negative about growing older. I had never thought of  allowing myself to grieve that, but also to "nestle" into it, to be open to changing and adapting and good things. 

Anyway, a nice way to start this day  :thumbup:

Our favorite assumption is that our lives will continue to be the same in the future as they have been in the past. We might need to grieve the loss of certainty and stability as we adapt to a more open and flowing framework of assumptions. It makes sense to want things to stay the same so our old habits and patterns continue to carry us through our days. Navigating change takes more work and mindfulness.

We can remember that uncertainty holds good outcomes as well as bad ones. With compassion for our trauma-weary selves, we can learn to nestle into uncertainty like a hammock, finding support in its flexible weave.

Not Alone

That is a beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing it. I printed it to glue into my journal.

BeeKeeper

Thanks for writing about this Kizzie. I've felt the same, diminishment and grief for a year now. Also the incremental loss of "visibility." Aging seems to call for much more focus on decisions, legacy, self-care, all the while balancing and juggling the sense of safety in our changing world. You talk about grieving the possibility of a functional family, one that is caring, welcoming and supporting. This is the hardest- I still feel "cheated."  Not sure if you have too. I'd like to off load that.

I like this:

QuoteWe can remember that uncertainty holds good outcomes as well as bad ones.

Thanks.

Jazzy

Thank you for your wise and positive words, Kizzie. What you've said about giving up unrealistic expectations of family is very impactful to me.  :thumbup:

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with things like aging. This is quite understandable, and I love how you found encouragement, then shared it with the rest of us here. :)

<3 Jazzy

Jazzy

Quote from: notaloneThat is a beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing it. I printed it to glue into my journal.

I really like how you took actions based on your feelings. I have learned many great things from your examples. Thank you, Notalone!

<3 Jazzy

Armadillo

 :hug:

I am sorry that you are feeling diminished, and H, too. You feel so wise strong and powerful (good power, I mean, like a protector/warrior) here. It must be really painful feeling.

Kizzie

One small gain I've made on this path to recovery is that I do know enough about my CPTSD to ask myself is that me projecting or am I really encountering ageism? Sometimes it's coming from my fear of not being valued, of being cast aside as an old woman who has nothing left to give or worse yet, losing  visibility as you are finding BK.   :disappear:  Other times it does come from others/society, often in subtle ways that are now quite glaring to me. 

Either way it does feed into the whole abandonment/rejection issue for me and dare I say anger at being cheated out of a more joyous life right up and into my 60's.

Hopefully that latter bit will change and younger adults will learn about relational trauma and CPTSD/RTR much earlier on than a lot of us here. (We're doing our bit here so good on us :applause: )   Plus there's the whole ACEs movement which is raising awareness and looking at what can be done for children and youth so I'm somewhat optimistic.



Kizzie

It's been a long while since I posted in my journal but I guess I need to talk about the things that are causing me to struggle so much or they will overtake me worse than they already have.

I have lost so much faith in the idea that I will ever recover from CPTSD, learn to live with it, integrate it, whatever. I started having anxiety attacks when I tried a few new medications recently. When my anxiety ramped up taking those meds I had the thought that professionals don't really know what they're doing and there is no-one and nowhere to turn for real help. The meds wore off but the thoughts stayed.

I had been reading a new book by two Cdn psychiatrists titled "Damaged".  In it one author talks about a patient he's been working with for 20 yrs who is still suicidal and whom our health care system has failed in so many ways over the years (the book is about the need for a revolution in mental health care). It led me to think if this man was still struggling after lengthy therapy, where is the hope for me?  And it made me lose faith in health care and finding the compassionate and knowledgeable treatment I have been trying to find for so long for myself.  There are so many books and web sites now and yet I find myself doing worse. 

Recently my doctor said she is losing faith in humanity and that stuck with me too. I'm losing hope after four years of Trump (his NPD as a leader and the damage it did),  a Premier running the province where I live who is an N, two years of COVID and anti-vaxxers keeping the pandemic going, and more recently in Canada  the "Freedom" convoy that took over our capitol city Ottawa. 

The last situation was like the straw that broke the camel's back I think. It shot me back to being held hostage, of being trapped by N parents and there was nothing I could do.  It has taken three weeks for the police to finally start moving the trucks and 'protesters' out of Ottawa and in that time, I felt again the powerlessness and fear I did when I was younger, when Trump got in office, when the Premier here denied COVID and would not take the needed protective measures until forced to do so. It all gave rise to such a deep feeling of powerlessness and despair in me, a belief I guess that bullies win and there is nothing I or anyone else can do.

I don't feel like I've come to terms with the beliefs and feelings I was gifted from N abuse.  It rises up and makes me feel unsafe in the world and with people.  I want to feel safe, but I don't. I want to feel I have power in the world but I don't.  I want to feel like I can recover from CPTSD but I'm not certain any more.  I'm waking up daily now having panic attacks. I am tired and scared and I don't quite know what to do. 

paul72

Hi Kizzie
I was watching this Ottawa action.. but I just turned it off after reading your post... it's not doing me any good right now either.
I am sorry you're discouraged... and I wish I could give the kind of thoughtful advice and encouragement to you that you give to everyone here :)
But I hear you and I offer you my support and love. It's not much but it's all I have right now.
And my thanks as well.. you've already made a difference in my life :)  :hug:
I hope you find what is needed to ease your panic attacks and fear.
Thank you for sharing

Bach

Quote from: Kizzie on February 19, 2022, 04:28:37 PM
I don't feel like I've come to terms with the beliefs and feelings I was gifted from N abuse.  It rises up and makes me feel unsafe in the world and with people.  I want to feel safe, but I don't. I want to feel I have power in the world but I don't.  I want to feel like I can recover from CPTSD but I'm not certain any more.

I heavily relate to this, Kizzie.  I feel this way a lot.  It's particularly hard when there are things that are external to use and completely beyond our power to do anything about except struggle to manage our reactions to.  Wishing you strength and fortitude for that struggle, and the hope that your helpless feeling eases soon.  :hug:

Armee

I'm sending you as much comfort and hope as I can muster right now. I know we are all on the roller coaster. I can't offer any certainty that it'll ever end. But I do know there are days or weeks when the despair feels like it'll last but it does usually settle into something more comfortable. I live for those days where things feel good, as a compass pointing toward what direction I am travelling so I can know that there actually is a better way of feeling and that sometimes it is within reach.

In my book, when we ourselves are suffering, it is ok to tune out the outside world and focus on the good. I don't even read the news anymore at the moment. I know that menu of good is too small right now for you and others. You are a caretaker and that is exhausting. Your son is in healthcare and that is fraught with worry and disgust at people's behaviors. Your N parents are still alive and even tho you are LC their presence in the world still casts a shadow on your life.

But then there are good good people out there. You are one of them.  You have and have built a huge good circle for yourself and others. I wish that alone were enough to erase the bad. It's not. But the bad doesn't win here in the safe and loving places you have created. It sucks that it doesn't erase the pain or heal the injury, and it sucks that medical professionals don't know how to heal this. It sucks that society tolerates child abuse and offers no help to children and adults who have been traumatized.

Just be patient with yourself as you manage this period of panic attacks, OK? They are scary and difficult and it's not fair that they are there and it isn't your fault they are there. I hope relief comes soon for you.  :hug: