Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Armee I thought a lot about what you went through and I know how terrible it was and is still so tk you for your support.      I appreciate you being honest about everything. I know I have to prepare if you can actually prepare for something like this.  There's that unpredictable layer of trauma in there that just makes everything more complicated.

That book you mentioned was one of the new ones I added to the list of top-rated books about trauma and the fact that it got such a high rating based on tons of reviews says something about being able to come out and speak our truth moreso these days.  Of course family who still think my M was the greatest won't get it but I don't actually feel the need to try and educate them. There are places I can say how I really feel thank heavens.

I know I felt relief when my F died, one less difficult person to deal with and I do think most of me will feel free from the N behaviour but regret and sadness over not having the loving M I wanted so badly. I've been fairly LC so things haven't been too bad and that has even allowed me to feel a little connected to her although I have been very very careful not to let it go too far or it will activate the N behaviours if she thinks I am letting my guard down. That's pretty sad isn't it?   

Tks for your honesty and support too Dolly.  I'm so sorry you didn't make it in time to see your M as I know that likely caused a myriad of feelings, some that our extra trauma layer 'blesses' us with. I at least know I am a compassionate person and I am treating my M with kindness, but I do worry about being perceived as a 'bad' person by family if I don't go to her funeral as I went through a lot of judgement growing up and just don't wanted to be branded again. I could get sick as Armee suggested and I may have to do that if I don't think my mental health can take it. I have not been in a good place for a year or so so I may have to protect myself we'll see.  I was similarly worried about my F's funeral but someone on our sister site OOTF suggested I just keep moving and that's what I did so I wasn't too inundated with sympathy.  It went OK although I got really ill with a bad cold right afterward - the body does keep score. 

[Bermuda]

Kizzie, I always want to say something but can never find the right words. I find this so difficult.

I relate to your feelings both of the relief you described and also of wanting to be compassionate. I can't imagine what I would do... Your health and well-being are literally everything. That needn't be downplayed.

[Armee]

 

You are a kind and loving person. You are being gracious in spite of the pain and suffering and gaslighting she has inflicted.

Bermuda is right, your health and well-being are very much what matters here. You get to protect that over anything else. Hang on. You matter so very much.

And it sounds like perhaps I should read that book.

[dollyvee]

I at least know I am a compassionate person and I am treating my M with kindness, but I do worry about being perceived as a 'bad' person by family if I don't go to her funeral as I went through a lot of judgement growing up and just don't wanted to be branded again.

Honestly, me rushing to my m's side and going through the drama with my family just showed me the "grip" that the idea of wanting that m I never had still had on me. For me, her dying was a good thing too because that grip was released and I could start processing that fact that I would never have that m I needed or wanted. It was freeing. I'm starting to see now that the grip was partly probably fear of her aggression. Sadly, I guess a lot of people don't understand it or will understand it. The only thing I can or could do was speak my truth, and a lot of people didn't get it at the time. I did start sharing what actually was going on with my aunt not expecting anything, just the truth, and she thought stuff was going on but could never prove it. Being inauthentic is one of the things I struggle with and feel the "niceties" of polite society can escape me at times, but I know it's coming from things like this where I had to accept a lot of fake and bad behaviour that wasn't good for me.

My t has been helping me with those feelings of thinking I'm being a difficult person when I'm standing up for myself and I get what you're saying about not wanting to be judged. Perhaps though, it's harder on you to feel like you're appeasing everyone than doing things for you that might incur judgement, and the memory of what it was like might be different this time knowing that you're doing it for you and having that space for you? Not that it's an easy road by any means but none of this is easy. Maybe it's retaumatizing on some level though.

"I've been fairly LC so things haven't been too bad and that has even allowed me to feel a little connected to her although I have been very very careful not to let it go too far or it will activate the N behaviours if she thinks I am letting my guard down. That's pretty sad isn't it?"

I don't think it's sad at all but can understand maybe why you feel so activated around narcs because a part of you is still connected to her. The mother wound is huge and it's affect on us is lifelong I think. I feel like other people haven't lived my life and they don't get to judge my life just like I try not to judge them for theirs. The only interactions that matter are the ones between me and that person who it happened with though it's hard to stand up and be firm about what I'm doing at times.

Apologies for the ramble. This stuff is hard to go through but you've made it through with your heart in tact 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

her dying was a good thing too because that grip was released and I could start processing that fact that I would never have that m I needed or wanted. It was freeing.

I sense there will be some pain because I never did get that M I needed, wanted and deserved, but then it will be freeing, like that last wee bit of hope is gone and I can move on. That's the problem with abusive parents, there is this hope that springs eternal - is that how the saying goes?  Anyway, I gave most of it up but when I was suffering from anxiety and depression this last year I found myself saying I wanted my M a couple of times (which was really weird considering my age - 66), so it's still in there although not as overwhelming as it once was.  I try out feeling I am without parents completely to see how it will feel but of course I don't really know.

Moving on, I went to the first session of group therapy for CPTSD survivors yesterday.  There are 8 of us and it felt like I knew them all immediately. Even our therapist is a survivor so she totally gets it, just like Pete Walker (CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving).  It's one of the few times I've ever been in a F2F group where I felt like everyone was like me, usually I feel like I'm an outsider, different, don't belong. Not this group.  I think I may carry on after the 8 sessions with one-to-one therapy as she is a very caring and compassionate T and like I said, she gets it.

I also went for electroconvulsive therapy treatment on Friday - I do not like it but if it keeps me from drifting down into the darkness I'll keep up with it.  It's once a month now for 10 months and then I guess we'll reassess. 

Busy week!

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, Kizzie. Glad that you had such a good experience in group! I hope it continues to work well for you.

[Not Alone]

I'm so glad that your experience in the group was so positive.

[Kizzie]

Tks Not Alone and Cactus Flower 

[Kizzie]

I forgot to mention that the psychologist for the CPTSD group showed us some of the books she uses and one of them (of course) was Pete Walker's "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving".  It was kind of funny because it was literally falling apart.  A couple of others in the group had read or were reading it and they said the same thing as she and I found, that it is relatable (and a bit of tough read) because he himself is a survivor. 

[Kizzie]

One of the things I am anxious (already) about is having to deal with my NB when  my NM passes away. He makes my teeth ache within about 10 minutes of being around him because he makes everything really complicated and like my NM goes to extremes to use events like this to showcase what a loving and wonderful son/person he is. Gah and ick.

It's another reason I'm considering not going to the actual funeral but going instead in our own time to her grave to say goodbye.  I don't want to end up becoming a screaming banshee like I have when I was much younger.  I am a calmer adult now and do have time to work on this I guess as she was given 6-12 months.   

[Armee]

 

It's OK to grieve and mourn in a more personal way and to skip the funeral when it happens if that is what feels right to you.

I hope your contact with NB can be minimal through and after this process and that all your skills you've developed can help protect you from his behaviors. It will be a difficult year but if you focus on what you need I'm confident you'll be ok through it. Just keep going taking care of you.

[Kizzie]

So I was talking to my Outreach Worker from the inpatient program I was in. He checks in every once in a while with me to see how I'm doing.  Anyway I told him about my NM dying and that I was feeling such mixed feelings - compassion on the one hand and on the other I don't know, fear and relief?  He said I should just go say goodbye and let it go. 

That's the part about not understanding trauma that really hurts us as survivors I think.  I just explained how troubled and anxious I am feeling and he minimized it.  Honestly I've been feeling so triggered, not only by him but by the Day Treatment program I was in.  I say was because I could not take any more CBT and the quiet pushing to be more positive about everything.  I told them I was going to NS to help sort things out but really it was just so I didn't have to go through the whole educating them as to how I feel as a trauma survivor and why at age 66 I am still struggling.  Really, in the end it's like well if I had a broken leg and it was left untreated you wouldn't say get on with it to me and with a smile on your face would you? 

Ah well, I do have my CPTSD group and I know I can say everything I am feeling and they will all get it.  Unfortunately we're on a two week break due to Easter and the T needing to go away. We're going to start our OOTS Zoom trial next Friday and I hope we all feel comfortable in fairly short order so we can say the things we can't elsewhere.  I so need that right now.

[Not Alone]

He did minimize your feelings. I hear that you have many feelings about your mom dying; compassion, fear, relief and I'm sure many more. Your feelings are legitimate and important.

[Armee]

I found CBT to be pretty damaging for those exact reasons, Kizzke and I am sorry he didn't get it at all.

Just being near them can cause massive symptoms and that's not our fault. Our whole brain and body are screaming to stay away from this person despite what we want to do as compassionate humans. That is the whole thing right with things like disorganized attachment where you are both frightened and traumatized by your caregiver but also have the attachment need to try to get close. It sends the nervous system into chaos because there are contradicting impulses being activated all at once. It STILL feels like that. Fight flight freeze fawn all happening at once because we are nice and want to try to connect with someone damaging.

It is so difficult. You may still wish to go say goodbye but no joke it would take a toll. It still might be worth it in the long run for you. I remember for awhile I tried pretending my mom was a random stranger who had nobody and I was going to visit or take care of this poor soul who I had zero connection to or expectation of. I was trying to trick my nervous system. It did not work. Either way I'm not convinced you'll have regrets with decisions you make one way or the other. You may have grief, or maybe not. Maybe just relief and not much else.

Sending lots of strength to get through this difficult period. Soon you're free.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry that your outreach worker did not get it at all.