Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Tks you both so much for your support and thoughts, I am back to having a really tough time.  The whole CBT thing (which I do find helpful for some things but not the emotional wounds we have), the minimization plus dealing with the loss of my M has my nervous system in chaos as you say Armee.   

I don't quite know what to do except to try and talk about it here and in my CPTSD therapy group.  Unfortunately I will have to put our trial Zoom group on hold until I am back in a better place because I just can't manage it right now. It has helped in the past to take away as much stress as possible.

I hate being a survivor with CPTSD sometimes (often), I really do.

[Kizzie]

Tks BB, your post just came in.  No he sure didn't get it did he?! I do think people think they are being helpful when they say things like that or sometimes because they are being lazy and don't want to deal with you but I so wish we had more professionals who get it.

[Mandox]

I'm sorry to read about your struggles and that things are difficult, Kizzie.  I so appreciate this forum, so thank you.  My M has been dead 5 years now, and I am only just recently starting to have a better relationship with her.  Remembering things I admired about her as a woman, and some positive things she did as a mother, because there were some.  Even though people are no longer present, they remain with us and I still have the same old battles going on in my head about the if onlys, the whys, the what the Fs! It is in some way a relief not to have the difficult F2F stuff, but at the same time there's no longer any chance for redemption which is a source of deep sadness.  As if there ever was.  Now, we need to put ourselves first, every time, whatever the situation.   I'm sure you will find the way to do what is right for you.  Wishing you courage at this difficult time.

[Armee]

I'm very glad you are taking as much stress away as you can right now. Keep wiping things off.

[Blueberry]

I second Armee.

Good for you for taking care of you Kizzie! 

[Phoebes]

Hi Kizzie, I just wanted to I read the last few pages of your journal to "catch up" with what's been going on with you. I'm so happy to hear you have a CPTSD group you can connect with and relate to. They are so lucky to have you there!

I truly empathize with your stage of relationship with your NM and NB. I'm not quite there yet myself but I know our time will come, and I worry about it. I think I'm starting to understand that whatever course of actions we choose, we will possibly be judged by the unconscious, unaware and highly codependent and narcissistic ones we are so surely surrounded by in our types of families. I'm more and more having high sensitivity to and low tolerance for people like your T who minimized and dismissed you. That is so just all about ThEM, which is very inept for a therapist! FFS.

I think it's great you're taking care of yourself and not taking on too much. The  thought occurs to me that here you are the most empathic person, who many of us would consider the most supportive and understanding person we know. Your intuition and dedication here has been literally a lifesaver to so many of us. And then it's highly possible that in your day today you are surrounded by people who just simply don't get you. Even and especially family.Who are not capable of seeing you as you are. It's very sad to me that we all want those relationships so badly in the core of our being, are so devastatingly hurt by the lack of it, and yet when we reach out in even the slightest manner our longing for connection is snapped shut by these unaware people. Especially those who advertise themselves as the helpers.

[Blueberry]

I truly empathize with your stage of relationship with your NM and NB. I'm not quite there yet myself but I know our time will come, and I worry about it. I think I'm starting to understand that whatever course of actions we choose, we will possibly be judged by the unconscious, unaware and highly codependent and narcissistic ones we are so surely surrounded by in our types of families. I'm more and more having high sensitivity to and low tolerance for people like your T who minimized and dismissed you. That is so just all about ThEM, which is very inept for a therapist!

What you write about your M and B is helping me understand the reactions in my own FOO, Kizzie. Though like Phoebes things aren't that far along yet. But it will come and I'm dreading it.

[Kizzie]

I was just re-reading an article about N parents and it helped me to understand why I don't want to go visit my NM who has terminal cancer before she dies.  She is a covert or stealth N who has made it her quest to be perceived as the good, best really mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend.... and she has fooled a lot of people. I am so afraid of going to see her and having this erasure of abuse as described below happen to me.  I know it happened, but it is so terribly painful that others do not.

This form of secondary gaslighting and invalidation is incredibly painful, especially when it comes from the very professionals, friends and family members who are meant to help support the survivor on their healing journey. Not only does secondary gaslighting from other people further isolate the survivor, it actually hinders the healing process. I cant tell you the number of times a survivor has reached out to me to tell me the painful effects of being invalidated by a friend, a family member, a spiritual leader or even a therapist who dispensed ill-informed, sometimes even victim-blaming ideas.

This also contributes to a global Gaslighting Effect in which speaking out about abuse by covert manipulators is met with some form of backlash, victim-blaming, and victim-shaming by enablers of abusers and abusers themselves.Survivor Ariel Leve explains that this form of secondary gaslighting in incredibly traumatic to the survivor. As she says, "It wasn't just that my reality was canceled, but that my perception of reality was overwritten...it wasn't the loudest and scariest explosions that caused the most damage. It wasn't the physical violence or the verbal abuse or the lack of boundaries and inappropriate behavior. What did the real damage was the denial that these incidents ever occurred...the erasure of the abuse was worse than the abuse."

• Arabi, S. (2018) How Society Gaslights Survivors of Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths (A Guide for Therapists, Law Enforcement and Loved Ones)

[Blueberry]

Thank you for including this in your Journal. I think I'm going to copy it into my own so I can add thoughts there instead of derailing your journal.

It is very painful and once again I'm sorry you're going through all of this atm Kizzie. 

[Kizzie]

Tks BB, hugs are always good.  Backatcha     

[sanmagic7]

 

[Kizzie]

Tks you and one for you San 

[natureluvr]

Tks everyone, I hope it proves to be helpful.  The psychologist running it is a survivor too which gives me hope that she understands the nuance of CPTSD and will help us to get at the core of our wounds and try out some authentic relationship building with one another.

On another note, this week brought some news I'm not quite sure how to deal with.  My NM received news that her cancer has returned and because of her age (93) and general health it is not treatable so she will be referred for palliative treatment.  I feel compassion for her and at the same time fear of what this will bring in terms of triggers for me.  E.g., I've already had a note from a cousin talking about treasuring my remaining time and that my M is such a wonderful person.  My M worked hard to portray that so I dread the whole funeral and am considering not going when the time comes (6 months to a year).  My mental health is not the best and I'm really afraid that would not help matters. 

Life as a survivor is so fraught isn't it?  And it's been my experience non-survivors don't understand why we feel/react the way we do which makes things even more difficult. At least I can talk openly and honestly to all of you and maybe by then I will have some peers IRL from the group.

I know this is from February, but I just read this, and wanted to say that I can identify with what you are going through.  I understand being reluctant to go to your mom's funeral in the future, and wondering what to do, and wondering how other people will react if you do not go, and what you might say if you do go.  I, too, was the truth teller (scapegoat) in my family, and was not appreciated at all for it, and labeled the crazy one because of it.  The denial is rampant.  At any rate, I can empathize with how you are feeling about this. 

[Kizzie]

Tks so much Natureluvr, it's always both a relief and hard to hear when someone has experienced what you have. I was the 'overly sensitive one' and like you, not at all appreciated for being the truth teller.  Once I learned they suffered from NPD I realized there was no point telling the truth as I saw it because as you say the denial was rampant and it didn't make any difference.  It didn't even make me feel better because of that cast iron NPD shell they each had surrounding them. I never made a dent and that just made me feel worse so I detached from them. That was what helped the most.

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, i didn't attend either of my parents' funerals for one reason or another.  i heard thru the grapevine how much flak people were throwing my way for not attending.  i withstood and survived it.  i have no doubt you will, too.  we have to take care of ourselves first, you know that well.  others will say or do whatever, and you'll probably get talked about no matter what you decide.  i hope you decide on what's best for you.  love and hugs