Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Tks for this San, it does help to know others didn't attend their parent's funerals and survived the flak. It's a no win situation, hard if you go, hard if you don't.  I just have to do what is best for me. 

[sanmagic7]

amen, kizzie   

[Kizzie]

So I've been putting off the decision about whether to go and see my NM or not but now I am getting cornered a bit and will have to address the issue sooner rather than later. 

I have been NC with my NB for a long time but recently he went in the hospital and it sounded like it was for his heart.  My NM did not know why he had had surgery (typical N's, my NM did not ask him and he didn't tell her). Good grief, really?  Anyway I suggested she ask him a direct question because it sounded like it could be serious. 

Long story short it was an abdominal hernia.  Her asking him opened the door to him emailing an long, extensive email to me though about ALL his medical issues. Very typical of him to just overwhelm others with info. I did tell him in an reply email I was glad it wasn't a cardiac issue and then made the fatal error of asking him about my NM's prognosis since I has not asked her directly (so awkward) nor the palliative nurse who is the point of contact for her care (putting it off I admit). 

I should have known better.

He then asked the palliative care nurse in an email about the prognosis (because apparently he had not asked her either even though he deals with her on a regular basis), in case I went to visit her. Now she wants to know when I'm coming - sooner rather than later is best while my NM is able to 'enjoy' my visit, and so she can prepare my NM for the visit. WTAFudge?  I know she is doing her best for my NM and assumes we have a good relationship but now I may have to tell her I don't or just not address it with her at all because that is an actual choice. I know I will need to deal with my NB though because there are arrangements, lawyers, etc.

This kind of thing happens every time I have any contact with my NB about anything which is why I have stayed NC.  Everything gets complicated, he takes things far beyond his purview and I end up triggered and angry. Even my H was majorly po'd. So now I have try and calm my triggered self, regulate my anger so it is "clean" and respectful but direct and firm. First I have figure out what I want to do.

Any thoughts/support would be most welcome. And a hug or two, those are always good. 

 

[Hope67]

Dear Kizzie,
I just read what you wrote, and I wanted to first give you a very big hug 

You welcomed any thoughts on what you wrote - I would say that it's good that you've got the opportunity to communicate via E-mail to the supportive nurse, because you could literally say something quite neutral - e.g. "I am letting you know that I won't be visiting for personal reasons" (if you decide that) or you can say more if you want to.

I have to go right now - Kizzie - sorry - I started this message and then can't think properly to finish what I wanted to say.  Really sorry.

But sending you a hug 

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Hugs. I guess you could just tell the nurse you have things going on and ask how much notice she ideally needs for a visit. Then you either give notice, or you don't.

[Sprinkles]

My sympathies to you Kizzie, for being made to feel obligated to endure the dysfunction of NB and NM.



It's understandable why you are putting it off. Perhaps put it off until something happens where you have to be involved.


I hope you can focus on self-care as you decide on how to proceed. 

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, first    so sorry you're having to go thru this.  what a rock and a hard place you're between.  i think i agree w/ the idea of telling the nurse you won't be visiting for personal reasons.  i think many people have heard that before and understand the implication. 

as far as NB, i hope you can back out of that as soon as possible, get done whatever has to be done and be able to bow out.  this N crapola can turn us into mush if he stay w/in its orbit too long.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

  to you Kizzie

I also agree with telling the nurse you won't be visiting for personal reasons and put off NB until you have to deal with him.

My thoughts are with you Kizzie.  I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. 

  best emoji for how I feel about my FOO. 

[natureluvr]

This kind of thing happens every time I have any contact with my NB about anything which is why I have stayed NC.  Everything gets complicated, he takes things far beyond his purview and I end up triggered and angry. Even my H was majorly po'd. So now I have try and calm my triggered self, regulate my anger so it is "clean" and respectful but direct and firm. First I have figure out what I want to do.

I'm sorry to hear you have got caught up in this mess.  I'm struggling to comprehend things today, but from what it sounds like, you just asking what your NM's prognosis is may have set up an assumption that you will go see your mom. (not sure if "she" is the nurse, or your NM). If this happened to me, I would also feel angry, and stressed.  It's not fair to you.

I'm sending you hugs and positive thoughts.   

[Armee]

 

Kizzie,

First I just want to assure you that palliative care doctors are very well aware that family relationships are not always good. That doctor will not be judging you.

Second, the doctor is operating on the assumption you want to spend quality time with your mom. Since you do not want to do that you absolutely do not need to go now. You do not owe the doctor any explanation. If you want to, a simple statement  that the relationship is difficult will get across all she needs to know. The doctor is not judging you.

So please take a big deep breath and assess what you want to do right now. I don't think you need to feel backed into a corner, yet. It sounds like your brother is well enough to continue dealing with logistics. In the meantime, right now just worry about what you want from these last months.

By the way by the time the palliative care doctor got involved with my mom it was a 6 month time frame. She ended up going within a month and quickly. This process is full of uncertainty.

If you are on the fence, you could go for just 1 day. Fly in, say hi, fly out. Or you can not go yet. This is all about what you want and need. 

Right here with you

[Kizzie]

Tks so much for the hugs everyone - hard to believe when I started the forum I did not even like emoji hugs.  And tks for the suggestions and support, much appreciated, truly.

I do know these things on some level but they are getting a bit submerged in the triggering by my NB sticking his nose in. I know I am not answerable to anyone but myself and that my well-being must take precedence. I just have to talk to myself and get out of the FOG and back to that calm place where I am more regulated emotionally. Part of that is asking for support here, something I never really did much before and now understand how important it is.

The other part is not being in contact with my NB because the more I am, the wider he opens that door and the more confusion and chaos there will be. I forget when I am mostly dealing with non-N people just how crazy making the behaviour of N's can be. I will wait until I have to deal with him though, of that I am certain.

I'm not sure about contacting the palliative care nurse just yet as I'm not sure about going/not going. I have to be calm and know what I truly want to do or not do as the case may be and that's a discussion I'm having with myself at the moment.  I do know I don't have to explain or justify anything, just simply state what I choose to or not even get in touch for that matter. 

Armee - Tks for reiterating what you've posted before to me, I do take what you say on board, I guess I just need a fair bit of reassurance at the moment.   

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, here's a big hug full of reassurance as you know, you come first, and what's best for you is the most important.  it's difficult to untangle ourselves again once we step back in.  you've got this.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

I'm sorry that's a very difficult situation. I reiterate what others have said on here that you have every right to tell the nurse that you're unsure of visiting as the relationship is difficult. I'm sure they've seen it all and you don't need to go into the details.

Sending you support,
Dolly 

[Papa Coco]

Big hug from me too. 

Kizzie, From my heart to yours, I'm sad this is happening to you right now. I have been where you are now so I am not unaware of how it feels to be in your shoes right now. Empathy connects us. I have also been with friends who are where you are now. It seems like I know more families with narcissism in them then those without. When a narcissistic mom is passing, family chaos seems to be unavoidable. You say you logically know what's happening here but you're still feeling the EF from the long-running icky chaos that is your NM and NB. That sounds like what I go through too. Knowing how it works helps us keep our shields up, but it doesn't eliminate the BS that we go through. It seems like there's no avoiding the EF for most of us when NM is passing, even though we know what's really happening.

I went to my mom's funeral in 2009, but was publicly humiliated and treated so badly by my Narcissister and her flying monkeys that I never went to my dad's funeral. He died 12 years ago with me out of his life at 100%. No part of me feels bad about that. After 12 years I still don't regret not being in his life during his final year. The danger that surrounded him was too severe. No guilt. I did what I was forced to do to keep myself safe.

It's often obvious to me that nurses are more aware of the patient's emotional situation that doctors are. Nurses deal with bad families every single day, especially at end of life scenarios. I would imagine that after a few days of caring for your NM, the nurse might be acutely aware of the narcissism, and is probably not judging you at all. Doctors are often singularly focused on the physical protocols of a person who's passing. "Time to call the relatives!" But nurses are often more aware of the emotions and human side of the event. A nurse might say "Maybe not all the relatives are up for being abused one last time."

So, as you go through this unavoidable fiasco in your family I hope that these virtual hug emojis you're receiving from all the friends you've made on this forum helps give some comfort to balance out the inevitable crapola that you're stuck dealing with via the narcissistic side of the family.

You're a beautiful human being with a heart that is always in the right place. The people here on this forum know that and that's why we want to hug you so much right now.

Oh heck: Here's another one: 

[Armee]

 

Being dragged in and under by the narc shenanigans is so exhausting. Sending you a little bubble shield to ward it off for a few more days.