Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Tks WhoBuddy, it's great after such a bad year last year to be writing about positive things - finally! 

[Kizzie]

Jan 19th and my H's pension FINALLY came in, 8 looooong months after he retired.  OK maybe I'm stating that from a half empty glass perspective when it's a full glass kind of day  All the back pay is in, his pension will come regularly now and out medical and dental extended care plans will be reinstated.   

While I really did not like the big EF I had over this whole issue in Nov I did learn from it. I clearly saw just how much of my past overlays present day situations and eventually I was able to separate the two. That was then (my parents did not take care of me and there was nothing I could do about it), and this is now (the CF Pension dept is a big bureaucratic machine that is a bit broken and we will be writing the Ombudsman/Pension Dept/Veteran's Affairs so maybe this will not happen to anyone else).  In the end I was merely annoyed and frustrated as opposed to feeling like the world was conspiring against me - feels like a big step.

[schrödinger's cat]

Congratulations!    Thank goodness it's finally over.

[Kizzie]

Tks Cat, it is such a relief.

[Kizzie]

There is a very common trigger that I have – milder nowadays but still a trigger.  When someone does not get back to me fairly quickly about something that might be an issue, I read the silence as dangerous. For example, I had to cancel a therapy appointment the day before I was to go.  I left two messages and sent a text to my T but did not hear back from him for about 10 days or so.  I thought he was being punitive for cancelling the day before, playing head games or whatever.  My H pointed this out and the fact that I tend to do this when confronted with this type of situation; that is, I immediately assume the worst and think I am being punished for something. Hunh.  It turned out my T had been promoted and had had to move offices from one town to another and was simply really busy and caught up with all of that. 

Anyway, I pondered away on what my H had pointed out -- and *'s bells it's no wonder I  am uncomfortable when this type of thing happens. My NPDM used the silent treatment as a punishment or to signal that some big emotional drama was about to rain down upon me. Oftentimes I did not see it coming and wham!  Other times it was because I spoke up or did something that displeased her. Either way it was a signal that the floodgates to a period of punishment (abuse) were about to open and until I was back in her good graces I would be made to suffer.  Silences have meant I cannot pay attention to my life and instead must focus on imminent danger.  So, I have absolutely dreaded this type of silence, take it personally and assume the worst because that's what happened in the past; it was about me. I could safely assume the silence meant trouble coming my way, that I would end up being awash in shame and guilt, and would need to use my resources to ride out the storm. 

These days, however, the really intense EFs aren't happening as much in this type of situation and hooray for that  . When my T didn't call back I was uneasy, but thought "Well if he is being punitive he is not the T for me" (or anyone for that matter). It wasn't about me, it was about him, and that felts great, like I stepped back and put some distance between myself and him, and that if he was unsafe I would terminate therapy.   

Checking things out here and being LC/NC with PD FOO has helped me to step back and be much more grounded.  In the space that used to be filled with PD craziness (then and now), there is more energy to see and feel things as they are, not as they were.  I am beginning to see/feel that the threat level is not as high as it was when I was a child. In the past my safety and well-being definitely depended on my being able to read the environment and when silence did signal something awful, and to work my way out from under some sentence that my M handed down. Now I am beginning to check out what I am thinking/feeling ("How can I think/feel differently about this?), and trying to see whether and how the past is overlaying the present. And wow does it ever!  Just knowing that feels like a big step forward in recovery as I seem to have gone from more intense EFs to milder ones in this type of situation.

[Whobuddy]

There is a very common trigger that I have – milder nowadays but still a trigger.  When someone does not get back to me fairly quickly about something that might be an issue, I read the silence as dangerous...My H pointed this out and the fact that I tend to do this when confronted with this type of situation; that is, I immediately assume the worst and think I am being punished for something.   

In the past my safety and well-being definitely depended on my being able to read the environment and when silence did signal something awful, and to work my way out from under some sentence that my M handed down.

I can identify with this a great deal. At my work, if my boss wants to talk to me, I think the worst. Like being called into the principal's office as a child when you have done something wrong. I begin to shake all over. I have been at this job for 14 years and they seem to think highly of me so there is really no reality to the fear. But it is very real to me.

I still cringe when someone calls my name. I jump and startle. Not having my name called unless I was in trouble as a child. So many years later, this reflex still exists.

Also, you talk of  "reading the environment." I  had to learn to do that every morning to see if I would be attacked (mostly verbally) or just ignored and plan my day accordingly. Is this what they call hypervigilant? Do you still carry tension in your muscles like I do?

[keepfighting]

There is a very common trigger that I have – milder nowadays but still a trigger.  When someone does not get back to me fairly quickly about something that might be an issue, I read the silence as dangerous. For example, I had to cancel a therapy appointment the day before I was to go.  I left two messages and sent a text to my T but did not hear back from him for about 10 days or so.  I thought he was being punitive for cancelling the day before, playing head games or whatever.

Same trigger...

It speaks volumes of the kind of 'love' your parents gave you and the methods they used to control you.

Glad it turned out there was a perfectly innocent explanation - but even more glad that you wouldn't take that kind of cr@p from a t (or anyone else) any more. What a long way you've come already! 

[Kizzie]

My apologies for not responding sooner but I was caught up on work for a few days.

WhoBuddy - I do carry the tension in my muscles!  When I check in with my body something is always in clench mode - shoulders, jaw, even my feet lol.  So I check in more regularly now so that I make sure to unclench a few times a day at least.  I'm not sure if this will ever disappear or not. The hypervigilance is better as I do check out the environment more and am able to see that there isn't any danger (before I just assumed there was always danger around every corner. I still have a really big startle response when I am busy though, not so much when things aren't stressful which is a nice change - before it used to be constant. 

BHeart - I remember you writing about that and thinking how hard it must have been for you.     My first reaction was to feel much like you as in  "What did I do wrong?" and then I went into this new thought of "It doesn't matter, if this is punitive behaviour this T is not for me" which is where you ended up going. In the latest two instances I actually checked out right away with the people who hadn't answered me so that I did not have to wonder. urns out they hadn't responded for reasons that had nothing at all to do with me. So checking things out is not a bad strategy for the present (although it would have been in my FOO).

KeepFighting - you are so right about not taking crap from a T or anyone, it has been a long journey to get to this place but it means that finally the world is becoming a much safer place because I know I am looking out for myself. Huzzah! 

[Kizzie]

So yesterday was my gastroscopy and I am so pleased at how well it all went.  Normally I do dissociate to get through something difficult, but I stayed present before until the meds, and afterward -- OK a little fuzzy, but mostly there! 

My IC was not nearly as scared and hyper as she has been in situations like this and I didn't have to expend much effort to reassure her that it was OK. I didn't feel her wanting to sob before, during and after like she normally does when I have to have a medical procedure like this. And I did not collapse when I got home.  It all just felt normal, like integrated me went to the hospital, through the procdure and came home all as one me. Now where else could I write something like that and know everyone would get what I was saying lol!!   

So my take on the day is that in being present I was able to feel the care my H, surgeon and the nursing staff extended toward me, soak it up as it were - nice warm blanket, lots of info about what was going to happen, smiles and reassurance all around, and a snack and OJ after I came out.   Great care all around. Most of all I got to see that my IC seems to be less fearful and more trusting, thhat she is becoming more a part of me rather than a separate tightly coiled little ball of fear and pain. Huzzah 

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh wonderful! That's good to hear. From what I remember, you've done a ton of Inner Child work in the past weeks or months. So maybe that's paid off?

[Kizzie]

Tks Cat  I think the IC work really has helped if days like yesterday are anything to go by. 

I've also been trying to be compassionate with myself, check in with my body (Am I breathing shallowly? Where am I clenching?) and my environment (i.e., is there any real danger?), and all of that seems to be helping as well.  Oh yes, and staying clear of triggers has been huge.

[Anamiame]

 

What a great job you did!   

[Kizzie]

So my NPD M is getting herself worked up into a tizzie and while I am not having an EF I am feeling a lot of feelings about it (that's good right lol?!). She has cabin fever and wants attention to alleviate the boredom. Even though we just email she's amazing adept at hoovering when she wants to. I am irritated, angry and thoroughly tired of the whole attention seeking gambit  -- yay that I did not go off into an EF/dissociate, but boo to the reality of feeling these feelings. 

Anyway, I'm off to see what I can do to offset those feelings, build something fun or pleasant into my day for a bit of balance (but seriously, bleh, bah and argh!  )  Very mixed feelings right at this moment - glad that I know the games and how to manage her, but struggling to accept that the legacy of the trauma doesn't go away entirely and never will I suspect. 

[wingnut]

Kizzie: Do you ever delay opening her emails until your in a good place to read them? Can you mentally prepare? I think we're often programmed to auto open anything that lands in our mailbox. Sometimes when I get into email drama with my sister who is 1400 miles away, I'll let it sit for a couple days until I'm emotionally prepared and it tends to get less of a reaction from me.
I figure if it's REALLY important, they'll call me...

[Kizzie]

I have done that in the past when she was on a drama crusade and she actually does get the message pretty quick that she needs to dial it down. I do need to distance myself and disengage, I was getting a bit more caught up in it than I usually do.  I forget sometimes how good she is at sucking me in so tk you for the reminder