Kizzie's Journal

[Jdog]

Sounds like a self compassionate step to me!

[Kizzie]

I finished up 7 or 8 EMDR sessions about a month ago and while it did help shift me out of the feeling of hopelessness & powerlessness I was feeling because of Trump's incessant N behaviour over 2 years. It felt like the past was happening to me all over again and I was struggling.

I do seem to have shifted out of that thankfully and have gained back some of the emotional distance I had lost.  Unfortunately I also developed a lot of anxiety towards the last session, a clutching feeling around my heart and down my arm I used to have constantly in years past. I assumed it was the same old anxiety until it occurred to me I really should get checked out by my doctor. Sure enough my BP was really high and she sent me for lab work, an ECG and a mammogram. She also suggested I make every effort to de-stress and practice mindfulness. I did so and managed to bring my BP down and my anxiety has decreased significantly, but I am still struggling with insomnia. My labs came back fine as did the ECG so it's not a physical issue thankfully. Glad I went in.

This whole situation was both a wake-up call and a bit of a mystery.  The wake-up comes in keeping on top of my self-care. I do give myself credit for going back to therapy which was helpful, but it also inevitably stirs up trauma and as a result I need to ratchet down stress and rest more when I go.  Among other things I took a break from here, something I am good about encouraging others to do but don't often do myself  and that helped. 

The mystery is that while I did feel better about the whole Trump thing, I then developed constant anxiety.    Now that I know it is not a physical issue, it leads me to the conclusion that the EMDR must have stirred up more trauma than was associated with the issue I went for, much like it did when I went four years ago except it was not as extreme or debilitating. As a result I am somewhat cautious about EMDR as a therapeutic approach for Complex PTSD. I do see that it can be quite beneficial but with a lot of grounding, safety training and going slowly because tackling one layer is bound to irritate other areas where trauma is stored. As long as you know that going in and the T is prepared to work on those things with you, it can be a helpful approach imo. 

I'm now trying some Somatic Experiencing therapy as it focuses on shifting the trauma stored in the body. We'll see how it goes, hopefully it will help with the layers.

[Deep Blue]

Glad you got it checked out by the doc Kizzie.  It does seem to be a constant moral to the story doesn't it? Self care self care self care.

Sometimes our bodies are storing up anxiety and we don't even realize it.  I'm glad that it's not physical, but sorry that it was brought on by therapy.  I think somatic experiencing therapy sounds like a good plan. Take care 

[sanmagic7]

it's quite amazing how our bodies and minds store our trauma, memories, experiences, feelings, emotions, etc.  i know my body is full of these toxins and they cause a lot of physical problems.

yeah, lots of rest, stabilizing, containment are essential when doing emdr.  it can be a full-time job in and of itself.  i hope you get some relief with your somatic therapy, that it can loosen and shift things so as to be able to get rid of them.  you're a courageous woman, kizzie, never forget that.  love and a hug full of well wishes for this new adventure.

[Three Roses]

Kizzie 

I have a book by Peter Levine, "In An Unspoken Voice", that I've been meaning to read for a few months. It's sitting on my shelf. Honestly I think without looking at the physical part of this, I'm not going to recover any more than I already have. Thanks for posting!

[Jdog]

Kizzie-

Just echoing what others have said about being glad nothing physical is going on but sorry the EMDR loosened up more trauma.  It sounds as if you are taking good care of yourself, and that makes me happy.  Take care.

[Blueberry]

Kizzie, the first thing that strikes me here is that you're posting a whole thing about yourself I thought "Kizzie's Journal? Does Kizzie even have a Journal?" Obviously you do.

for getting physical check ups done. So happy for you that there is nothing physical.

I'm sorry EMDR loosened other stuff and hope that Somatic Experiencing will help.

on taking a break of more than a couple of days from most duties here. The forum survived, I survived

[Deep Blue]

Kizzie, the first thing that strikes me here is that you're posting a whole thing about yourself I thought "Kizzie's Journal? Does Kizzie even have a Journal?" Obviously you do.

[Kizzie]

LOL, yes I do actually have a journal, I just don't use it as much as I think would be helpful. It feels like N behaviour to me, this despite the fact that I believe in the benefits of journaling and confidently suggest it to others.   

This journal forum is different in that it is intended to be all about us, our inner selves, our struggles and victories and so on.  The other forums involve talking to other members of the community and I'm good with that (although that took a long while too - keeping my cards close to my chest was habitual because it helped with surviving as many of you know all too well).   Talking about me to me for me does feel N-like, but at least I recognize that and am starting to believe it's important to challenge that perception now

Anyway, not to go on about that I just laughed when I read your comment BB.

Tks for your support everyone, I am feeling so much better now knowing there isn't anything physical. Just like my last experience with EMDR the anxiety gradually reduced but it showed me once again I need to do some therapy that will help with releasing the stored trauma and the deep level, reptilian brain type responses I keep having. So, I am going to make an effort to write about the Somatic Experiencing here.   

[Kizzie]

So I came across this article on Twitter just now  that I'm posting here because I want to remember it when I re-read my journal (but I also hope anyone reading this will also find it useful). It totally resonated with my experience of anxiety .

We Can't Keep Treating Anxiety From Complex Trauma the Same Way We Treat Generalized Anxiety - https://themighty.com/2018/06/anxiety-from-complex-trauma/?utm_source=engagement_bar&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=twitter_share

Here's an excerpt which speaks to the reason I am doing some Somatic Experiencing now:

For those who have experienced trauma, anxiety comes from an automatic physiological response to what has actually, already happened. The brain and body have already lived through "worst case scenario" situations, know what it feels like and are *-bent on never going back there again. The fight/flight/ freeze response goes into overdrive. It's like living with a fire alarm that goes off at random intervals 24 hours a day. It is extremely difficult for the rational brain to be convinced "that won't happen," because it already knows that it has happened, and it was horrific.

Those living with generalized anxiety often live in fear of the future. Those with complex trauma fear the future because of the past.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, kizzie.  makes sense.   

[Deep Blue]

Thanks for sharing that. It makes a lot of sense to me 

[Three Roses]

Thanks! This hits home for me, too.

[Jdog]

Yes, that strikes a chord with me also.  Maybe this explains my constant tinnitus.  Overdrive and alarms going off.  Makes sense.  Thanks, Kizzie!

[Ellis]

Thanks for sharing this Kizzie. I found this quite validating and helpful to read.