Kizzie's Journal

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MoonBeam

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #105 on: August 15, 2019, 05:42:49 PM »
Oh Kizzie, I hear you. That is a long time to have to hold discomfort and work/career issues can be so unsettling and disruptive.  I'm sorry that H's pain and anxiety about it has been turned on you. It's extra challenging when someone who may usually be one of our rocks (so-to-speak) isn't any more and it sounds like you've been handling it for a while now.

I'm so glad to hear you were able to identify so much of what is going on for both of you and really express that how it is playing out is NOT okay. I hope he can continue to hear you and you can continue to find ways to recreate safety and ease in your relationship.

I'm glad you posted. Want you to know I'm standing with you and thinking of you, wishing you peace and resolution. 

:hug:

MB

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sanmagic7

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #106 on: August 15, 2019, 05:48:09 PM »
thanks for sharing, kizzie.  i know this isn't an automatic thing for you to do, to write here, but i give you a lot of credit for getting some of the crapola out, and letting us show you some support. 

outlying situations can certainly take their toll on a relationship.  i do hope you follow up and you and your hub can get some counseling.  it sounds like it may just be a  'stop and breathe' kind of session that would help get you both back on track, re-focus on priorities, and aid the two of you to becoming even closer when it comes to discussing such issues.  i'm really glad for the both of you that he decided he'd go.  i think it'll be a positive experience all around.

with you all the way on this, sweetie.  sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and clarity.   :hug:

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Tee

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #107 on: August 15, 2019, 06:02:44 PM »
 :hug: here with you it's a struggle for sure.  I hope the two of you will find a good T that will help work the communication and emotional struggles that both are currently facing.  Standing here with you offering a supportive hug. :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #108 on: August 15, 2019, 08:23:34 PM »
thanks for sharing, kizzie.  i know this isn't an automatic thing for you to do, to write here, but i give you a lot of credit for getting some of the crapola out, and letting us show you some support. 

 :yeahthat:

Good on you for your clear words to your h, Kizzie, and I'm glad he seems to be taking it seriously.  :bighug: :bighug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #109 on: August 16, 2019, 12:00:31 AM »
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time Kizzie. It's great that you were able to talk with your H though, and you two can move forward. I really hope you feel better soon, and can bring down some of those stress reactions. Take care! :)

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Three Roses

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #110 on: August 16, 2019, 04:08:30 AM »
Nothing more to add, but I'm standing with you in this.  :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #111 on: August 16, 2019, 05:10:24 AM »
 :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #112 on: August 16, 2019, 04:55:28 PM »
 I am beginning to feel better b/c my H and I are talking and that has helped as has sharing here so tks everyone,.

I have to say I haven't felt that shaky in a long time. It has been a very real, up close and awful reminder of how trauma affected me at very deep levels both physically and psychologically back in my childhood and has carried through to my sixties. I was a kid again and at the mercy of my parents who were supposed to love me, but I did not seem to matter and was powerless to do anything to change things, just endure, survive, exist - all with a smile on my face.  :'(

As an adult I'm not in the same position, I do have power and a voice and my H loves me, but it felt the same. The feelings were horrible and it has been a very painful, frightening reminder of how much child me suffered and the compassion, care, kindness and connection I need, .... that we all need  :grouphug:.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #113 on: August 16, 2019, 05:23:08 PM »
 :hug:

i hate that we have to have those reminders.  sometimes, they help me get out of continuing denial about how much i suffered, so i suppose they can be beneficial in one sense.  still, i wish none of us would have them sneak up on us.  we've suffered enough.

so glad you and your H are talking more lately.  that's great, and can go a long way toward becoming closer as a couple.  love and hugs   :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #114 on: August 16, 2019, 05:37:29 PM »
As an adult I'm not in the same position, I do have power and a voice and my H loves me, but it felt the same. The feelings were horrible and it has been a very painful, frightening reminder of how much child me suffered and the compassion, care, kindness and connection I need, .... that we all need  :grouphug:.
The feelings are horrible. Glad you were able to use your voice. Supporting you.

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Jdog

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #115 on: August 16, 2019, 07:42:45 PM »
Kizzie-

I am so sorry you are having to cope with both Hís distress and your own,  past and present.  I very much understand what it is like living with an angry person.  I admire the way in which you arenít working with the situation at home, getting H to see how you feel, working with him to be able to uncover his own feelings.

You once again lead by example.  Thank you for sharing this very hard situation.  Sending love and compassion as things calm down and begin to heal. :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #116 on: August 17, 2019, 08:19:31 PM »
Our house just sold yesterday so that is both a relief and a worry because now we really must make a decision about what my H is going to do career-wise. I am trying to reassure younger me by continuing to connect and talk things out but I can't lie, part of me, younger me -- is afraid and I get that.

I hadn't realized a lot of the fear may come from being so incredibly triggered by Trump's NPD behaviour over the past 2-3 yrs (i.e., primed nervous system or at least still recovering after going back to therapy to deal with it).  That whole feeling of nothing I do or say matters, I don't matter, I am invisible, powerless ..... that's what this felt a lot like except instead of dissociating I went into full blown panic - the shaky feeling I mentioned, like my self was coming apart and in real danger vs the depression and dissociation I experienced b/c of being so triggered by Trump's N behav. 

I don't care about Trump, but I love my H and do not want to lose him. It's a very real present day fear layered on top by past trauma - the old double whammy if you will. The amount of energy and inner resources that takes is phenomenal but unless you have a good grasp of trauma people don't see/understand what people like us are go through to keep our heads above water so to speak.

Anyway, my H doesn't have NPD so I am trying to reassure myself and especially younger me but all the fear chemicals, traumatic memories and feelings are so hard to calm as I know you all know only too well.

Tks again everyone  :grouphug:       

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Three Roses

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #117 on: August 17, 2019, 08:31:00 PM »
 :hug: will be thinking of you...

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Blueberry

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #118 on: August 17, 2019, 09:27:12 PM »
:hug: will be thinking of you...

 :yeahthat:  :grouphug:

You seem to have a lot of clarity about your emotions and why you're triggered. I do know that intellectual clarity doesn't calm our feelings/triggers down but it is a step along the way.

You do matter! Of course you're not invisible on here! But even for your H you aren't. Remember the tea incident when your H was sick? Your thoughts and feelings were pretty clear to him once you started showing them and talking about them. You set your limit. You're moving forwards atm  :cheer:

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Jdog

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Re: Kizzie's Journal
« Reply #119 on: Today at 12:00:41 AM »
Sending love and support :hug: