Meeting tomorrow

[Three Roses]

I have a problem and I'd like some feedback please.

I attend a 12 step, Al Anon meeting on Tuesdays (it's for codependency). The last 4 times I've gone, I have been openly disrespected by one of the other attendees. It's mild, but I end up feeling like an outsider.

My dilemma is that I'm not sure whether to say something directly to her, or go to the leader. Or, should I count this as an opportunity to just show grace to someone? I am a lot like her; I speak without thinking, I'm too direct, I'm opinionated. I'm seeing myself in the mirror and not liking being on the receiving end.

Thoughts? Thanks all.

[Dee]

Perhaps I have better advice than I actually practice.  I would say to practice assertiveness and go directly to her.  You have the right to have your opinion given the same respect and consideration that other people's opinions are given and the right to express feelings.

It reality I would struggle to say anything at all and feel really bad.  However, I know from all of my work on assertiveness what I think you should do.  I also think people have more respect and are less embarrassed if you go directly to them.

[Three Roses]

Thanks, Dee

[Dutch Uncle]

My dilemma is that I'm not sure whether to say something directly to her, or go to the leader. Or, should I count this as an opportunity to just show grace to someone? I am a lot like her; I speak without thinking, I'm too direct, I'm opinionated. I'm seeing myself in the mirror and not liking being on the receiving end.

Thoughts? Thanks all.

Quite possibly you have already given her grace enough. It's bothering you, so I think you do best to address it. To her directly or via the leader? What feels best for you. Possibly both. Let the leader know that you will speak up for yourself next time. The leader doesn't have to do anything beforehand, but may be able to better 'deal' with it once she has started bugging you again, and you address a specific situation. It will not come out of the blue for the leader in that case. IMHO it's better to address it when a certain behavior actually occurs than addressing it more generally. But perhaps in the moment you are too triggered?
The fact you see her as a mirror of you: I can relate. But I have come to the opinion that for me to change my own behavior, it actually helps to point the same behavior out at others. How am I going to learn to stop doing something when I let others do it to me?

Good luck!

[Three Roses]

Thanks, Dutch Uncle

[sweetsixty]

Three  Roses you sound a lot like me too lol. Like you I am outspoken, direct, opinionated and have often been told by friends I'm a strangle anomaly as I can give direct advice but struggle when it's given back. I struggle being assertive too but here is what I might attempt.

Try to think of her compassionately and of yourself compassionately, and just say that although you truly appreciate her input, you found her last remark quite difficult to deal with and could she explain a little more about what she means?

This is 2 pronged, it says you are listening to her and you value her input (so being compassionate to her). It puts the spotlight back on her so everyone is now waiting for her to be nicer!

If she isn't then she looks really bad and the leader may even notice this too. I learnt a long time ago that if you make it about them they will react defensively but if you make it about you they can't.

This comes from assertiveness too  as in 'you keep shouting at me' as opposed to 'your shouting is making me uncomfortable'. They can't argue with how YOU feel, that's your judgement.

[Three Roses]

Thanks, sweetsixty

[Three Roses]

It went well! I decided not to say anything unless it happened again. Today's reading was on detachment - I've got my stuff, you've got your stuff, and how to not let your stuff affect my stuff. Talk about timely reminders.

Thanks, everyone

[sweetsixty]

 

[healingjourney]

I'm all for practicing assertiveness. I find often what I think is a big deal is something imagined, unintentional, and not difficult to bring up. It's my inner dialogue of fighting making it a bigger deal to bring up and fear of the unknown. Just my 2 cents! But I agree it's so hard managing potential conflicts. Good luck and keep us posted!

[Three Roses]

Thanks, Healing journey   I do make things a buffer deal than necessary.

[Danaus plexippus]

At my last group T I kept impulsively talking over people. I thought they were done, but they weren't. I wound up apologizing excessively and felt like a idiot. I think I was stuck in an EF. That was the day I fell and injured my spinal cord. I'm starting to get the feeling back in my fingers but I still have to be careful not to move my head to fast or to far or I'll experience sharp stabbing pain that goes shooting down my neck all the way to my fingertips. What a job it must be for a T or a group facilitator to maintain order over a room full or neurologically diverse participants.

[Wife#2]

Three Roses - how did it go? What did you decide was YOUR best course of action? How did you feel about that afterward?

hoping it went well and that you now feel better going to these meetings.

[Three Roses]

Danaus - I hope you are feeling better.

Wife 2 - last week went well, all she did was shush me when I was trying to talk. I'll say something to her tomorrow if I feel the need. She's very hyper, I know she doesn't mean it, and I have a tendency to make things bigger in my head.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. If feels good to be heard. 

[Three Roses]

Had a meeting again today, and was able to discuss this issue with the group leader. I felt heard and validated. Thanks for all your support!