Holy Cow

[gongfy]

After years and years of therapy, self help groups, and self help books - I finally have a name for "it."  "It" is the compulsive states of shame and spirals of self abuse that I now understand to be emotional flashbacks.  While I have long suspected that I have some form of PTSD - as a result of a severely dysfunctional and chaotic childhood, characterized by years of emotional abuse, neglect, and parentification (6 brothers and sisters - five younger than me) by my substance abusing and mentally ill parents; I didn't know about Complex PTSD - until today.  Maybe I just wasn't ready.  This middle aged grandmother is tired of holding it all in.  I am grateful I found this site.

[Danaus plexippus]

Well, you've come to the right place.

Lean on Me
By Bill Withers
Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride
If I have faith you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show
You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me (call me)
If you need a friend (call me) call me uh huh(call me) if you need a friend (call me)
If you ever need a friend (call me)
Call me (call me) call me (call me) call me
(Call me) call me (call me) if you need a friend
(Call me) call me (call me) call me (call me) call me (call me) call me (call me)

[Kizzie]

Welcome Gongfy, you are most definitely in the right place - no need to hold it in here, that's for sure.  We do recommend baby steps  -- while it can be a relief to find out you have CPTSD, it can also be overwhelming for some. There's lots to read so have a look around and if you have any questions, please ask away. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome! 

I can relate - I'm 59 and just now finding answers and validation. Like kizzie says, no need to hold it in! You've finally found a group that will understand.

[gongfy]

Thanks everyone.  Coincidentally, I am also beginning Lifespan Integration Therapy.  Has anyone here had any experience with this?

[Danaus plexippus]

No, sounds interesting. Tell me more.

[gongfy]

I have just started this - so I don't have much to relate.  This blurb briefly explains it:

Lifespan Integration relies on the innate ability of the body-mind to heal itself. LI is body-based, and combines active imagination, the juxtaposition of ego states in time, and a visual time line of memories to facilitate neural integration and rapid healing. During the integrating phase of the protocol, the client 'views' a memory image for each year of his or her life. The Lifespan Integration technique causes memories to surface spontaneously, and because of how memories are held neurologically, each memory which surfaces is related to the emotional theme or issue being targeted. The resulting panoramic view of the client's life gives the client new insights about lifelong patterns resultant from the past trauma.

It basically builds on brain research and the idea that trauma based memories are stored in the amygdala, frequently in feelings that are beyond the ability of the person who has experienced trauma to verbalize - especially when the trauma began very early.  The therapy is designed to "integrate" those feelings so that they can consciously be dealt with in a verbal way and are less apt to become triggers.  We will see how it goes.  It is fairly new - and there isn't a tremendous amount of research beyond it, but it does appear to be a promising practice.  I am definitely willing to give it a try.

[Three Roses]

That sounds promising!

[Danaus plexippus]

Please keep us informed. Is anyone else here doing this? I'm just getting used to the idea of Neurofeedback.

[Kizzie]

That does sound really interesting Gongfy, please keep us posted as it certainly sounds like it could have some legs.  One of the biggest epiphanies for me has been understanding why trauma memories from childhood are so powerful and so difficult to process.  I've written about this before but the first time my Inner Child came out in therapy I was utterly shocked by her feelings - raw, primal, primitive - not something that can be explained in words very well to be sure!  It was then I realized what kind of fear was driving me. It's definitely not a rational part of the brain that those childhood trauma feelings reside in. 

I recently did some Neurofeedback to try and get more of my brain involved in processing the trauma so I don't just end up in an amygdala hijacking (EF) when triggered.  It does seem to have helped so I hope this works for you.